My question is this: How do you find the strength- mental and physical- to maintain plan A changes in yourself when your WS rebuffs physical/emotional intimacy or connecting? Where do you find the resovle to maintain the changes within yourself when you feel all alone and dismissed? I need some application advice.

Sorry I have yet to post on other threads but right now I can only deal with this and I'm in no place emotionally or mentally to advise others.

ct,

The changes of Plan A are by you, for you and will make you a better person in the end. Change for the better is always good.

Now, how do you keep going when you get nothing in return from your spouse, well that is where I'm at right now and I don't have a clue and can't buy a clue.

I am taking it one day at a time though.

Best wishes,
Maybe2late

That is exactly where I am at! That is where all of my confusion is. I don't know what to say or do or how to act. My husband has no interest in being affectionate. We don't even touch each other! I just don't know what to do. He is so distant and uncooperative. I would love advice on this. I'm afraid to even try to touch him.

Sorry I couldn't help ct. I just wanted to post to you to let you know that you are not alone!

In plan A you make the CHANGES for you. Don't expect that the WS will return any appreciation, or acknowledgement. They most likely will not. You are not doing this for them. You are becoming the best person you can be (spiritually, physically and emotionally) and if he/she notices and wants to better know this person you are becoming then great and if not so what, you are better for having done it and the next person that enters your life will be ecstatic at what he/she finds.

Do it for you and no one else.

In Plan A, you have taken an inventory of all the ways you may have not been the best spouse (not that the decision to have an affair was your fault, or the affair...this is not what is meant), and you are acting as lovingly as you possibly can. Lovingly indifferent, meaning your actions are not based on any actions or reaction of your WS.

As Ark says, you are the Lighthouse which will draw your WS home. You are bright and shining regardless of how they are treating you, or not treating you.

I think it is important to remember that Plan A has an end, and it cannot be attained for a long time because eventually your taker will surface and you also run the possibility of losing all your love for your WS.

For me, I would try my best to keep the end results I am trying to achieve in mind. Always keep the reasons why you are doing this in mind.

Also, you must learn how to meet your own emotional needs, and for those not used to meeting their own EN's it is very hard at first.

If I had been a very good spouse, I would not do a Plan A at all, I would go directly to Plan B, but for most because of children, jobs, taking our spouse for granted, etc, there was a lot to leave desired. Plan A is about showing your WS a different you, perhaps the one they saw when you first married.

Showing them how marriage could be to again, if they end their affair.

Plan A is NOT about making changes FOR you..
It is a by product...

but you do plan A for the WS...

with NO expectations of results or return....

ARK

I've been at this for some time know. I'll give you my 2 cents on what keeps me going. This is in no particular order.

Don't take it personally. I know - sounds weird, cause it is personal. What I mean is that except maybe for revenge affairs, most WS's aren't doing this to you. They are doing it for themselves. This doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt you. It doesn't mean that they don't know that it hurts you. They are just in a mode where they come first and everything else comes second. When you spend time pondering how they could do this to you, it saps your energy.

Don't engage in the drama. Crying, pleading, ups, downs, making insignificant things the be all end all. It wears you down. When the conversations our activities move into soap opera land, step out.

Get real on your expectations. What I mean by this is adjust your expectations to where your at in recovery. If your WS has just ended a 2 year A three weeks ago, don't expect your M to blossom the next day. Said another way its a heck of a lot easier to keep going if your occassionally pleasantly surprised rather than constantly dissappointed.

Not every little thing is a clue, sign, or indication of some deeper thing. I see many people who twist and turn with every hand hold, peck on the cheek or ILY, they get or don't from a WS. Try to go a little bigger picture and make conclusions on a body of work over a meaningful time period rather than going up and down on each hours interaction.

Get clear on why your doing this. If your only reason for trying to recover your M is that you don't want to have to go into the dating scene again, well, your probably going to lose your energy pretty quick. If you think its because you and your WS could truly have a happy M and it would be whats best for both of you, its easier to keep going. What value are you getting from a recovered M that compensates you for the work you are doing

Get clear on what your definition of success is. If you keep redefining success, you will keep missing the target and get down.

Get clear on your timelines. Don't let time get you up and down. How much time do you have to work on this? Have real meaning to your time line, not just I won't put up with this for more than 3 months. That just puts pressure on you and saps your energy. Real meaning is set your goals out both with a recovered M and your goals with a D. At what critical point in the future do those goals conflict and how much lead time before that do you need to have a resolution? Work backwards from there.

Don't manipulate. Don't do things for the sole purpose of getting your WS to do something. There's a little subtlety hear. I'm not saying don't plan A or do a 180, etc. What I mean is don't buy your WS flowers just to get them to call you. Buy them flowers because you want to. Don't make changes to your self you don't agree with just to appease your WS. The more you try to manipulate, the more dissappointed you will be.

Anyway, just my 2 cents.

Your title..."Plan vs. Detached WS"

I'm like your other posters...Plan A is being authentic...your authentic self and changing for you. We don't stop our LBs to save our marriage...we stop our LBs because that's not who we really are and as a result, we can save our marriage and like ourselves a whole lot more.

Detached WS...uhm, what WS ISN'T detached?

Definition of an affair...

Entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.

This process is what detaches all WS's...from reality. Not from you...a great way to see where that fatal trail leads, is when you are giving to get...want in return from giving...you're headed down that same path, aren't you? Detaching from reality...because we love from our own choice to love...and as Weaver said, like we did at the beginning...before the resentment built, grimed over into entitlement and we enmeshed, lost respect...and dissolved our belief that we could only control ourselves.

Plan A can bring you back into your own light. And it can be where you get to know yourself, understand and control yourself so well, you'll be okay even if your marriage isn't, or doesn't make it. You'll know you educated, grew and acted on everything you learned to the best of your ability...you could walk away proud...or even better, have a thriving marriage in a year or two.

Your choice.

LA