Some of your know my story....many of you new guys don't. This is a brief recap and update that may help you get through the holidays.


Christmas 2004....
We were 6 months into my WH mid-life crisis. I had heard it all. "I don't have those kinds of feelings for you." "There is no passion between us." "In 5 years I cannot imagine being w/ you" "You got fat." The house isn't clean enough" "The house is too clean." "I care for you only because you are the mother of my children." "I'm not happy when I'm with you." "Our marriage was over years ago."...."She is just a friend"....Pretty much the entire WS script.

I was a wreck, emotionally and physically. Crying daily, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep and panic attacks. All the while we spent lots of quality time w/ OW and her family feeling like I was crazy because I had a feeling they were more then "just friends." Then God blessed me and I found MB.

I read and read and read. Posted and vented. Hired a PI learned about plan A and plan B. I did plan A a very...very long time. I missed an early opportunity for plan B. Then WH refused to leave. He was staying "because of the children".

Christmas 2005...
WH still at home but not commited to M. Refused to speak to me or acknowledge my existance most days. He bought Christmas presents that were from him only. He spent way too much it looked like he was trying to buy affection from the children. He got gifts for the kids to give me but nothing from him. He denied contact w/ OW. But would occassionally go missing. He told me "I don't love you, I'm here for the kids." It was a very lonely Christmas, not in crisis, just very sad and lonely for me.

I have a lawyer on retainer and have almost filed D papers 3 times. Each time I called Steve Harley and managed to hang on a while longer. I lived in plan A....not for WH but for me. I rediscovered myself, what I like, what makes me smile, what I don't like, I secured myself financially, started a new job. I found me. I found my confidence.I like the person I am now. No longer a martyr. No longer volunteering to be victim.

Last May WH finally moved out. I went to plan B about 2 weeks after he left. (not a very dark plan B) It worked...I was ready to move on without him...and WH realized he didn't want to live without me.

He has been struggling to see his way through the fog. I was seeing more and more of my H and less of WH.

Christmas 2006...
About a month ago FIL was diagnosed w/ reoccurrance of cancer. He had surgery and many complications. My FIL's health crisis seems to have shaken FWH out of his midlife crisis. He is suddenly the compassionate man who loves and is devoted to his family. I suggested FIL move in w/ us so we can care for him, who knows what his future holds. H stepped up to the plate he has learned everything necessary to care for his Dad and can perform these tasks as well as I can (I'm a nurse). IV antibiotics, IV nutrition, tube flushes, dressing changes, personal care.

Even though so much is going on H is happy, relaxed, he shares his day, he asks about mine, he shows his appreciation, he asks for my opinion. We have been Christmas shopping together, he is helping around the house. We are in sync, we are a team, we are on the same page. This past weekend H turned down an invitation to go party w/ some of his single friends (that he hasn't seen in months) instead he took me and the kids out to a nice dinner, then he and I went Christmas shopping. We were up until 1 AM playing w/ the toys we bought and wrapping gifts. It was fun. BTW the passion isn't gone....thats fun too!

So I am filled with hope, faith and joy this Christmas season. We are still very early in recovery but I am looking forward to the journey. I like the man I am on that journey with. He is kind and thoughtful and funny. I am so glad the mothership came to pick up the alien that was living in his body.

I know many of you are struggling through this season. Listen to the advice you are given, the wise ones have seen it all. Never forget...mimi is usually right.

edited to delete DOUBLE post...that was weird!

THIS IS WONDERFUL!!!

"All things are possible...."

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

CC, this is fantastic! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


You mentioned this way back in the summer of 2005 when you were "Confused" and that really stuck with me since this was the EXACT same thing my WW said.

mimi, has given you excellent advice and she was RIGHT!

It's been a long time for you and you really stayed with the plan so that is even more gratifying when these stories succeed. I know it is early, but your changes made during Plan A are paying off and your H is finally seeing what a catch you are.

Thanks CC for the hope.

this Christmas for me was your 05 Christmas. WW at home living day to day but not helping with our M.

Glad to read this about you. I have a big smile

God bless,
M2L

Absolutely wonderful!!! It is exactly how the Harley's describe it....to a T!!! God Bless CC!!!

MWIL

ChaCha,

So VERY happy for you. This gives alot of us the hope we are looking for.

Blessings to you and your family.

Cat

This is all such a surprise to me.It seems very surreal....the last few years have been very surreal! He was so convincing. We still have a long way to go and lots of issues to address and patterns to change.

I can remember looking at him while he was saying his fog babble and thinking to myself "Who is this guy?" I really think of WH and H as 2 separate individuals. I even had a weird dream where we duct taped the evil WH to the seat of the minivan! I guess that came from Orchid Plan A your H and reverse babble to WH.

The difference really showed in his eyes. As a WH his eyes looked dead, no light of recognition, no expression except for the occassional cold glare. H's blue eyes are gentle w/ a slight twinkle of mischief lurking just under the surface.

Its funny how I appreciate the little things that I use to take for granted. The other day H & I were talking about I don't even know what...he was eating a hershey bar and he broke a piece of and offered it to me. It was so simple but so genuine. Sharing would not have occurred to WH.

This has been a process for me. I have grown...thanks to the advice and enc of some of the wiseones...mimi, ark^^, melodylane,bobPure,Orchid and many others.

HTW, I hope your plan B is going well and that you are taking care of yourself and finding some peace. It sounds like your WW has been testing the waters.

M2L & catgirl, I'm not up to date on your situations. Keep posting there are many wonderful people here to help you through this. Listen carefully to the advice you get. It may the total opposite of what you would normally do but sometimes thats what it takes.

MWIL, I hope things are going well in your recovery and that you enjoy the holidays.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Can we get an update please?

I've missed you sooooooooo! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hi Rin!

Things are still going very well. We are us again! A team! We are on the same page....we are connected. In our early years it was kind of strange of how connected we were. We would often show up wearing similar things without planning. We would play pictionary draw 1 line and guess what it was. (people didn't like to play against us)

We have yet to deal w/ details of the affair....but suddendly its not SO important to me. He is there for me. He appreciates me and he shows it. I'm still kind of in disbelief but still enjoying it. I'm very focused on FIL (who is getting stronger everyday).

The relationship between FIL and H has improved so much. FIL is very appreciative, and impressed w/ H's efforts. I'm not sure who is getting more out of it FIL or H...its a wonderful thing to watch. I think in the end my kids will benefit from it the most because H will be an even better father.

BTW I'm very glad your H is going back to days. Its hard to be on the same page when you are sleeping different shifts!

Wow, Cha Cha,

I was reading your sig line and noticed that your sitch followed similarly to mine. I'm happy to see that the fight is working for the two of you. If I can ask, when did you and H begin living together again? How was the transition from Plan B back to recovery?

'They' say sometimes that it takes a major life event to turn people around and change their ways, maybe your FIL's illness was the wake up call, maybe it was divine intervention. I hope that FIL's recovery is swift and adds years to his life. I wish you a wonderful holiday season and life with your H!

CC I'm really happy to hear things are continuing to go so well for you as you have been through alot over the last couple of years. Keep doing what you are doing and enjoy it this time.

I would like to get where you are one day so hearing stories like yours give many of us BS hope.

You have come a long way and so has your FWH.

Congrats. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

CHaCha, my love...

I'm also thrilled for you! You are SO inspiring to SO many of us!

I have been enjoying my time with DH. I'm still concerned about the transition becasue he's been on nights for so long but I have faith.


I relate to this and I kind of thought that it was carzy of me not to want to know anymore but the fact that HE IS with me and the kids. I have worked very hard on myself which has made some huge changes in the way I handle things not only with the kids but with DH.

LOL...Sometimes it's hard to remember that his mood IS about him and not about me...LOL...but I'm working on that each day! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

How are the kids handling the changes?

Happy NEW YEAR!!!

I love the new year...its time for a fresh start....time to take stock set new goals.

My H and I had a long standing tradition of spending New Year's Eve quietly at home. When the kids were really little we would have "Backwards New Year". You had to say everything in opposite like instead of "hello" you say "goodbye". You have to wear your clothes backward. My parents would join us we'd play games. We would have the BIG countdown at 6 PM, throw confetti, bang pots and blow horns run around outside yelling "HAPPY NEW YEAR!!"
Then we had dinner which since it was backwards would start w/ dessert. It was fun! The kids would go to bed happy that they got to celebrate the new year and H and I could have a private celebration for the new year.

When WH got involved w/ OW (family friend) our holidays stopped being fun...the focus was on getting drunk for any occassion and staying out to celebrate long after it was time for the to get to bed.

New Year's Eve 2004
Even though kids were older they wanted to have backwards new year and invite a couple of their friends over. OW was having New Year's Eve party at her house. At 1st WH agreed to stay home and play games w/ the kids. But as the time got closer his mood became more and more foul, he wouldn't interact w/ us. Finally the kids decided they wanted to go to party at OW house, WH got happy real quick. (remember family friend, I suspected A but had no proof). I agreed but only if we came home by midnight. I was determined not to start the new year w/ OW in our lives. We got home 15 minutes before midnight. (At the party WH&OW kept trying to get me drunk so I'd forget about leaving before midnight...didn't work) He refused to give me a kiss at midnight, the kids and I went out side to bang pots and wish the world happy new year and when we came in he was snoring in his recliner. No private celebration. (BUT no sneaking away w/ OW at midnight)


New Year's Eve 2005
We spent the weekend at BIL & SIL's new house w/ family. WH invited his childhood friend and wife over to avoid being stuck alone w/ me. I got a New Year's kiss but it was a half-hearted tight fish lipped kiss which I had to go to him while he was sitting at the table w/ friends. No private celebration.

New Year's Eve 2006
We spent the weekend at BIL & SIL's. They were having a big party. H took son over his childhood friend's house so the boys could hang out. D stayed at BIL & SIL's cause there was about a dozen girls between the ages of 6 and 11 and they were having talent show competetion (exactly why DS 14 wanted to get out of there. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />LOL!!) H called from friend's house asked me to join them. They had no company, he wanted a quiet new year not to be around a bunch of "noisy drunks".
I went over we sat around the kitchen table talking and laughing. We went back to BIL before midnight so the whole family would be together. H made his way through the crowd to find me so he could be next to me for the countdown, at midnight it was a full 10 second kiss (no more tight fish-lips!)before wishing others happy new year. We had our private celebration when we came home New Year's Day! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I am looking forward to this new beginning. This time last year or the year before I was sure it was the beginning of the end.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Happy New Year to you! I feel the same way that you do this year!

Last year, I 'KNEW' the year was going to be bad...something FWH said that night...this year...I'm looking forward to a brighter future... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

wishing you the best to come...May God bless yoU!

Great story, ChaCha, Happy New Year!

Milk

Thanks for stopping by Rin and Milk! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Rin I just read this from one of your posts above.

The kids are....welll...not too sure what to think.
DS14 is very suspecious of H and kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop, like he will leave again.

DD11 is having a difficult time. She has been daddy's little girl this whole time having lots and lots (maybe too much) undivided attention from WH. Now H is home she doesn't get the total undivided attention. In part because he is now talking to me. And he is spending time w/ DS (sibling jealousy). And also FIL has been ill and H has been very involved in his care. So she is very emotional and has melt-down at times.

I try to soften it for her but this is something H needs to work out with her....I think it will just take time.

Well, It's good to hear from you!

Still the ChaCha I know, knowing her part... LOL

Stranger how the consequences of WS's A seem to carry on...

I can't blame either one for feeling the way that they do...

Good to hear from you! Six months into recovery?

You've come alog way CC and if feels like yesterday reading your struggles with your FWH. Didn't you FWH at one point say he didn't see you in his future?

It took a while but it sounds like the fog is slowly clearing with him and you are seeing your old husband emerge.

I am so glad that I got to ride along with you on this story which is now only turning around. I hope that one day I can get to the same place you are at, but if not I will still be fine.

BTW, I hope he's not sleeping at the edge of the bed anymore! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

it seems that i'm again noticing a pattern that for most plan B's that are successful, the WS realizes that the OW can't meet their needs pretty quickly after plan B starts

that was the case in your situation right?

(not good news for me)

Rin,
I'd say our recovery is just beginning. I think he went through withdrawl and a lot of denial. He is just now in the last month started to think clearly.

eve,
My plan B was pretty short....Honestly I think WH would have walked away if it was just me. And I think I would have walked away as well. I don't think he could walk away from the "family". He is a family man. It seems your WH has alot of issues. I give you credit for holding on....I know this is hard on you.

HTW,
Nope. Not at all! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yes he said... "In five years I can't see being w/you, we have no future.""There is NO US" "I deserve to be happy, I'm not happy when I'm w/ you." "You never want to have fun" "I never wanted a fat wife." "Our M was over years ago." "When we are out I don't want people to think I'm w/you." " You never listen to me." "You are the last person I wanted to spend my birthday with!" "I'm only here for the kids".....and lots more scripted fog babble...after a while you recognize it for what it is, and all most want to finish the end like jumping to a punch line to a old joke. Its predictable...just not very funny. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />