On Thanksgiving day I found out that he had run into the OW at a store a couple of weeks prior...I found out because i checked the history on the computer and saw that he emailed her...I confronted him and he told me he did accidentally ran into her and it was a brief encounter...They just said hi, asked about the others family(see we all use to be friends), and asked what the other was doing for Thanksgiving...We were driving a far distance and the OW asked my husband if he could find someway to let her know we made it ok..He said maybe...He told me he didn't tell me because he didn't think i would find out and it wasn't a very big deal because nothing happened...I don't know what to do or believe...I can't believe she had the nerve to ask him to email her after all that has happened...We were seven months out from D-Day and now I feel in some ways were back to square one...I want to trust him but I just don't know if I can...I am very worried now like I was back in day one, but I don't want to make a huge deal out of it if nothing really happened...Please help....

Your concerns are reasonable. No Contact means no contact. Just seems like some WS just don't get it. If you live in same area as the OP, chances are accidental meetings may occur. However, the WS should first avoid the OP like the plague (they are after all the virus that almost destroyed the marriage) and certainly not engage in casual conversation. Any attempts to make further contact like was suggested by OW in this case is just a veiled attempt to keep in contact and significantly increases the likelihood that the spark can start again.

Your WH needs to rethink this whole thing. First, he has an obligation to you to protect you from further pain. Part of that is that he must try to the best of his ability to keep his NC promise. If he bumps into her somewhere, he should turn the other direction, run and call you immediately. Not have friendly chat to see how everyone is doing. If his convo was so innocent, why did he not immediately inform you? The other part of NC is meant to protect him from himself. He has already shown that given the right circumstances, he makes poor choices. He cannot trust himself to not make those same poor choices again given the same right circumstances.

Trust is not a given in a marriage. He has to earn it back and he is starting from below ground level. His actions here didn't do anything to help his position. Stand your ground and tell her exactly how this made you feel and why ANY contact with OW is a BIG deal.

Hello,
I wrote you a nce long response and lost it- so much for trying to post at school, huh?

Ok, let's try again.

I did not post to your other thread as I was having a crazy, crazy week.

I think this was certainly a setback in recovery. Is there a way to know what he emailed? Are you using a key logger?

ok, now it is time to leave school I'll be back later on this evening.

No, I am not using a keylogger and it wouldn't have made much difference since we were at his parents house and he was using their computer...He had writtine the email in his hotmail account and it doesn't save sent messages, so I could only go by what he said the email said...I just cant get over it...I thought I would at first...but now i am having the same feelings like i did right after d-day...I have that feeling of dread like something is happening...and I can't tell if it is because this happened,and it is the holiday, and this was the time last year when the A started or if it is something to be really concerned about...I just don't know what to do..

bump

Is there a way for you to go into his hotmail account and set it to save sent messages? I know you can on yahoo.

Are you two in counseling?

Could you afford to call the harleys?

Have you both read Surviving and Affair?

My husband is not a reader so I read it to him while we were on car trips.

I think your feelings could be a lot of things - the time of year, anniversary of the affair events and renewed contact did not help that.

Did your husband write a no contact letter?

Have the two of you sat down and discussed what is acceptable and what is not in your relationship?

We have talked about how he should react if we should ever bump into her - she lives an hour away in a town we have to go to frequently. He has been very careful not to go there alone- once when I could not go, he took a male friend with him. He has agreed not to speak to her- to turn and walk away.

We have discussed his actions should she email him. He will immediately forward it unopened to me. He has changed his emails, but she could trace him from his line of work.

I still do check his phone, his emails, etc. He is being very trustworthy. He is making himself an open book- he tell me where he is, who he is with, etc.

What are the two of you doing for your recovery?

Post it here - let us help you keep going forward.

Hopefully, this was an innocent contact in a store- the fact that he emailed her later really causes some concern, though.

Have you considered calling her husband again? Maybe this time he would be more open to helping you monitor her.

Hang in there, honey. The rollercoaster sucks.

have you guys thought anymore about moving away? Austin is big but not so big that there is no risk of runing into her.

I don't know if you can go to hotmail and change that...We had been in counseling...but he feels we don't really need it any more...I am still going for IC...Yes he did write a no contact letter...I have read surviving an affair but he won't really read anything...He says he wants to make up his own mind about things and not have someone else influance him...I think he thinks a lot of that stuff doesn't apply to every situation....Prior to him running into her we had talked many times what he would do...And it was he was supposed to turn around walk away and call me...but he said things don't always happen the way you talk about them...I have all his passwords to his account, he calls me when he leaves work...He IM's me during the day...We have been going on dates and doing family things are some of the things we have been doing in recovery...Last night we had a talk about privacy and he feels even in a marriage you should have somethings that are your own...I have a journal that I write in and it is my own so I kind of agrre a little...but I said there is a difference between being private and secretive...Sometimes I feel like he isn't ready to grow up...That he doesn't really know how to be in an adult relationship...And it doesn't seem like he is really dealing with some of things that has happened over the past affair...We are communicating a lot better but sometimes I feel like he just won't let me in..does that make sense...We really can't afford to move right now and he has a very good job...Even though I hate it here sometimes...Like today I drove by the OW and her husband and it just ruined my whole day...And no I will not be talking to her husband...I want absolutely no contact with that family ever again...Any help would be great...We are a very young couple and have a lot to learn and I just want to save my family...For my childrens sake as well as for my own sake...

snr,




So you are comparing your privacy of writing in a journal to his privacy of communicating with his bimbo??????????????????

Hi snr. Yes you CAN set the NEW version of hotmail to automatically save sent messages. But only in the new version. Under options.

imho, it seems that your H has set back the clock to d-day. He was NOT transparent. He chose to contact the OW and did NOT protect ou and your M by his choices. All the BS about that each person should have things just for themselves is a load of self-justifying hooey! THIS will excuse any further actions where HE decides what you need to know. And that is the road to right back to another A.

What are your boundaries? The NC letter is a MUST imho. ANd WH must BE honouring that. Becasue if he is not, he IS a WH. EA or PA. COntact IS contact and a THREAT to your M.

It is an old hotmail account...is there a way to update it to a new hotmail account...If anyone know that would be great

Hi there. I'm sorry I don't know about the hotmail thing. I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you.

Another thing I did was copy sections of the book or the website and email them to him. He won't read a whole book, but he will read if I do segments.

I also printed out m needs and his needs and once a week we evaluate how we are doing on meeting those. I am sure open and honest are high on your list. Maybe talking about being open more often will get that through to him.

Are ya'll active in a church? I was wondering if there might be a men's group at church where he would have a male someone to hold him accountable.

hang in there