So it has been officially 2 months of NC. I have to say, things between BH and I are going great. We are not talking about the A much these days just concetrating on each other, our children, our home, making new friends (we moved here in May) etc. SF is going GREAT I may add... he is very passionate and that has been a welcomed change as for many years the lack of passion made me not even want to initiate much!


So why am I STILL having thoughts of OM? I know OC has a lot to do with it. BH and I have talked about it. I've been able for the most part to share with him my thoughts when they happen.

I guess I am mostly "emotional" about the holidays and all that OM is missing because I chose to stayed married. Silly uh? I know in my heart of hearts that this is what is best for ALL of us including him, but still I am feeling GUILT over it!! WHY? WHY? WHY? Why can I feel guilt over the pain I caused BH instead of the pain OM could be feeling?

I want to get to the "angry" stage of withdrawl but it doesn't seem to be hapening yet! how much more?

Will there be a time when I no longer worry about OM? We have mutual friends and all I need to do is ask about him, but I haven't done it. I am afraid to know the truth... I am afraid of what they could tell me and I have asked them all to NOT talk about OM or anything related to OM. So far everyone is keeping their side of the bargain so why am I feeling like this? is it just because of the holidays? I truly hope so. Until I get these feelings sorted, I am just not happy.

Becca

Hey Becca, are you in counseling? Can you afford to counsel with the Harley's?

Becca,

Don't be so hard on yourself. Just maintain NC. As your head continues to clear your feelings will change. I'll see if I can get MrsK to respond to you but it won't be for 10 hours if she does.

It gets better. MrsK was exactly the same. I think it took her around 6 months so 2 months is nothing.

Maintain NC, focus on your H and family.

Don't ask about the OM. It will only set back your recovery. You are still experiencing some symptoms of withdrawal. These typically last up to six months. I promise you, the longer you go on without contacting or inquiring about him, the less you'll think or care about him. Just give it more time. Your marriage didn't get in trouble overnight, and your issues won't be fixed overnight either. Continue to avoid contact or inquiring about OM. Anything else would be a huge setback. Keep us the good work.

According to her all I had to do was divorce BH and live happily ever after with OM!! LOL!! yeah...

BH did not want to do counseling at first but maybe now I can ask him again... We had a GREAT Chritian counselor last year but we moved since. I'll need to look into it here.

Thanks for the suggestion!
B

mcbecca, good for you for posting here!!! kudos to you for not asking about him. keep fighting off the urge to know and the urge to care.

repeat after me "OM IS NOT MY CONCERN ANYMORE"!!!

says it as many times as you have to and maintain NC!!

it will get easier.

{{{McBecca}}} It takes longer than 2 months, especially when a child is involved. Just keep looking around you and see the peace of NC vs the upheaval ALL of your children and you would experience in the other scenario.

[color:"blue"]BINGO [/color]

Pep's right McB. Sadly... I think it will always be harder to keep OM completely out of your head than for your average fww. I know it has been for me. I look at his image daily, as do you with your dd. BUT, take heart honey... thoughts of him will come less and less, I promise. Just maintain NC, and carry on with your life.

How old is your OC?

Yes, even BH seems to think that OC makes things that much harder. He seems to think that once DD is 1 yr old things will get better for me because he feels that perhaps at that point she would have reached all the important milestones of the first year of life and he would have missed ALL of them by then so at that point he (BH) feels I should be able to let go of the "he is missing this or that" mentality.

I hope he is right.... still she is about to turn 6 months old so I have a while to go. It doesn't help that she looks so much like him.

One thing that is helping me now is that now she recognizes BH as her Daddy, she BEAMS when she sees him walk in the door and she throws her arms to him already so that warms my heart because I wouldn't want her to be confused by having OM in her life ever.

B

The first year post NC is the hardest.

Mrs. McB,

Have you considered what the alternative would be with Christmas coming? If you had divorce your H, either you or he would NOT be seeing the kids on Christmas. You would have been with OM and where would your H have been? Missing HIS children as well.

I think you will see as your daughter gets older and she bonds with your H, that you have made the right decision. Further, 2 months of NC is to be commended but it is just a drop in the bucket.

You have much to be thankful for Mrs. McB, give thanks and ENJOY this time of year.

God Bless,

JL

Hi McB

You WILL feel better at about the 6 mth NC mark IMO...I found that was so for me....You are doing GREAT and are lucky to have supportive friends that will not mention OM around you...tricky when you have mutual friends...I have had to cut off some connections because of that and its not easy. I found my self feeling pretty rotten when I realised how far the ripple effect of my A was.

You will focus more on your M, H and other children. Thank God every day for them and that you are together as a family. Remember, OM has made his bed and HE has to lie in it...WHATEVER happens to him and his family is HIS responsibility...you are NOT responsible in any way..

Keeping OM out of your head will be difficult due to DD but as she begins to call your H 'daddy' etc that too will fade I would imagine..

Keep on keeping on McB, it is a day at a time thing sometimes,keeping OM out of your brain, but one day you will not even think about him at all and THAT will be a great day!!

YOU ARE DOING GREAT.....hang in there...as JL said, give thanks and ENJOY this time of year

Mrs K

My OC is 3 yo. It will be 4 yrs of NC in Jan '07. This time of year is always triggering for me because it's when I conceived. And I don't mean it's triggering in a sentimental way at all... but in once again bringing up my great regret and remorse about the A and the fact I was so stupid in getting P besides. It's an odd thing to hate so much what I did, yet love my child so much. It's the epitome of mixed emotions.

Though I can't say I've gone through what you're going through.. as in feeling bad that om is missing the milestones of OC. Probably because he was just fine with walking away. Given mine and my H's age... the thoughts *I* had about om in regards to OC, was that I was pissed that I, and worse yet-- my H had all the responsibility for OC, and om got to go along on his merry way. When I expressed this to my H, he said, maybe so-- but om doesn't get all the blessings this child has brought to our lives, AND someday, somehow he will pay for what he's done anyway.

McB the further down the road you get w/ NC the better things will be. *That's* really the key, regardless of OC.

Hugs...........

Hi AD,

You know I have always considered you and your H a very very special couple and one that has been blessed by so much.

It is good to see you posting again.

God Bless,

JL

{{{{{McBecca}}}}} I wondered where you were.

It will get better.

Remember, YOU and BH and your baby are what's important. Maybe you could try to stop thinking of her as the OC? (and that makes me think of the TV show, anyways... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)

NC is tough, but you can do it. You are so blessed.