I know there are lots of good, normal psychological answers to the question I am going to ask, but here goes.

I know in my wife's case and in the case of most, if not all, betrayed spouses, some of the feelings you guys go through include feeling humiliated and losing your self-esteem.

I am sorry to have put my wife through this, but the fact is no BS should allow the stupidity of the evil done to them to shake their belief in who they are. Even if marital problems are caused 50/50 (Not all are. Sometimes the FWS causes more than 50% of the strife and sometimes it's the other way.) it seems to me the BS is the one who has the right to and should hold their head high. The BS didn't commit an act of treachery against one to whom they had promised to be faithful. The one who should be questioning who and what they are is the WS.

As far as being humiliated. I know it happens, but remember the BS is the one who remained faithful. You have no cause for shame, so please don't allow anyone to place shame on you. Us FWSs, especially while in the WS stage, deserve to be humiliated as we have brought shame upon ourselves. We should be the ones ashamed of our actions, not the BS. So, just as I hope you hold your heads high and don't lose self-esteem because you are honorable, also I hope you won't allow anyone to place or attribute any shame or humiliation on you. You don't deserve it.

God bless.

Thank you SO much for the encouragement so many of us need! May my WH one day see the light as you have. God bless you!

Yes, thanks. I'm new to this board, and this was the first thing I read.

jim,

This is so true. Shortly after DDay, my H and I were lying in bed talking. I told him that I was human too and had human failings. The thing that keeps me from acting on doing crappy things (like affairs) is that I want to be able to face myself in the mirror. I would hate to be a wayward even more than I hate being a betrayed spouse. I'd hate to have to question my character in regards to risking my family for a loser.

When someone you love and trust betrays you it damages your sense of self, that's normal, if it didn't make you feel worth less i think that would be abnormal. But, i understand that what you are saying is we shouldn't get stuck there. There's no reason to, we aren't the betrayers.

It passes, when you start to realize how selfish the WS really is (you've known it all along but denied it cause you love him soooo much), you start getting stronger and more independent. It's a rocket booster(once the anger sets in to clear the fog) to finding yourself again. In M, we can lose ourselves to give to the other person, betrayal ends all of that, eventually. I know i lost me in my M, but now I'm found. I'm paying attention to my feelings, and doing something about each one. WH shook my world, my self esteem with it, but it all needed to be shaken. So, good comes out of bad, if you let it.

I know i lost me in my M, but now I'm found. I'm paying attention to my feelings, and doing something about each one. WH shook my world, my self esteem with it, but it all needed to be shaken. So, good comes out of bad, if you let it.

I can so totally relate to these words-so true