I'm tinkering with the dating site thing again. Something I seem to always feel I'm done with, but yet return on occassion due to lack of sightings for potential in this area and feelings of discouragement.
However, as I go thru this whole process, I think....I'd much rather be found the traditional way and this whole profile thing really doesn't feel like me.
When I look at the profiles, I realize how picky I am, and it makes me feel ridiculous for putting myself out there.
The other issue I have is even more ridiculous...I don't want anyone that I know [in any way] to know I'm putting myself out there.

I feel like I'm in a good place right now. I'm approaching 3 yr mark of divorce, the one LTR I had is long over, and Mr. 5 Weeks, ahhh, while he leaves a lasting impression on me, I'm okay with it.

A normal, fun loving relationship would be great! When I think of it in those terms I get excited with the possibility. When I consider the drama, it makes me sit back and think I'm really better off not dating and being accountable only to my daughters.

I haven't been on a "date" since spring [other than the guy friend I wrote about some time ago which for me wasn't a date]. It would be nice to be noticed and approached. How the heck does that happen?

I'm not looking for an answer to this post, but more, does anyone else ever feel like this?

K!

OK, I think that "being noticed" is a very romantic notion. Some guy sees you and is so infatuated that he pursues. Kind of like a movie where the two lovers cross oceans for one another. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I met my fiance on a dating site. While not as romantic - in the numbers game of finding a partner, it was successful. I screened a lot of guys, but really only dated a handful. It doesn't have to be an ordeal. Go with confidence. Believe that you are "all that and a bag of chips!" One or two dates to see if you are compatible then move on to the next one. Invest in good pictures of yourself - guys are visual creatures.

Realize there are guys who are lonely and serious about a partner and guys that are players and everything in between.

What are you picky about anyway?

V.

Hey, same place as me.
"I feel like I'm in a good place right now. I'm approaching 3 yr mark of divorce, the one LTR I is long over, and Mr. 5 Weeks, "
I didn't have my Mr. 5 weeks yet.
I'm not really meeting anyone IRL, so I check out the dating site, but apparently, I'm not in high demand.
So, hopefully I'll run into a financial type in NYC during Investor conferences this week.
We can only put ourselves out there. Most of this year, I haven't been available. I'm ready now world, so bring it on. Seems you are on the same track.

Okay Sunny....it is a nice notion isn't it? Unrealistic??
Probably so. ARGH!

Very neat that you met your man that way btw! I have heard success stories so I know it is possible.
As to my pickiness?
Height is always a big factor for me.
Nice healthy teeth are always nice. I really don't have a preference to hair, can be some, none, etc...although, a comb over is not an option.
I would prefer the guy have pride in himself and a sense of humor. I've taken care of myself, I would like the same in return. The list goes on of course.
I don't believe I'm the complete bag of chips, but I do believe I'm worthy of someone in the attractive department.

And Newly, here we are again.
The conference sounds interesting though. I wish you all the luck at that! Could be very interesting!!
I have to admit too. I have not been in a good spot for most of the year myself. Getting over the one guy was tough and then some home issues had me emotionally wrecked. Life is settling though, and I'm feeling something nice would be nice. Now, to get from here to there!

Thanks for the thoughts.

K!

Hi Karona, I agree with everything you said! It's now been 11 weeks since Mr. 11 weeks told me he'd moved the XGF he'd never get back together with back in to his house and then married her within a month... he, too, made a lasting impression, though that last move just made me question my judgment all over again. This has been a difficult year for me, too, from my father dying to the D finally being final, to Mr. 11 weeks.

sunnyva, I liked your advice. I have a some questions for you. Did you contact men, wait for them to contact you, or both? How picky were you, and what were your criteria?

I sometimes feel too picky. Most of the men who've contacted me don't pass my looks test and look too old (I wonder how I appear to them?!), which makes me feel very shallow and maybe like my expectations are too high. Also, I want someone in reasonably good shape, like me. And, like Karona, I'm also picky about height, even though I'm short, I've never (yet) dated anyone under 5'10" and decent teeth is a must! Then, I'm picky about grammar and spelling, which rules out quite a few. I'm also picky about income as I make a decent living and don't want to date anyone who makes a lot less than I do. Living too far away is another issue as I own my own business and can't move from the area. Beyond that, I'm not that picky about content, though I get concerned about opposite political views, too many unshared interests, men that are already retired, which isn't that unusual in my age group, since I know I won't have nearly as much free time as they do, pictures that look like they've cropped out the X, and no shirtless pictures, thank you!

newly, I'm not in high demand on the dating sites either, sigh... I've responded to a few guys, chatted with several, some just stopped corresponding or calling, and I've dated two, one date each. And, BTW, you don't want to have "your Mr. 5 weeks"! Mine was Mr. 11 weeks and while it was great to feel that passion and connection again after so many years, it was pretty painful when it ended abruptly.

I agree and I don't LT.
It's that concept of knowing exactly what you want. We [you and I] didn't get it that time around, but we know just what would make our hearts beat. The abrupt ending no doubt was major heartache. But honestly, for me, I may not know yet exactly what it would be that would send me, so to speak. Now I do. The bigger problem for me is, will anyone else ever compare? I'm sure my Mr 5 had his own stuff. Heck, I only had the pleasure of 5 weeks, but, what I knew, I liked! He did set the bar though.

I had the same conversation w/5. He told me his relationship was wrong. Should have never been, blah, blah, blah. Then the day came when he came to tell me he was still in love with her and he had to go back.
In a way, I get it. There are things in life that need settled. To know without a doubt there was nothing worth saving. But, what I don't get is, why did these guys come our direction? We both fell into that one didn't we?!

Oh, I'm with ya. I don't like the shirtless pictures either. Now, I can appreciate a guy taking care of himself, but please, cover yourself up!

Good to see you LetsTry. Maybe 2007 will be our year! [Meaning, all of us long timers who have been going thru the trials and waiting]

K!

Letstry, although you think you are not picky, like many of us, we all have many "Must Haves".
Decent looking, employed, educated, intelligent, emotionally available . . . .
I think sometimes when men read the profiles they get scared off from accomplished intelligent women, despite our beautiful (and tasteful) pictures. And at 5'8", I get all the guys over 6' OK <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I think my profile sounds boring to someone, but then, we only need to find one who will be a good match. No sense dating those we wouldn't consider. And I don't mean to sound stuck up here, but we now know what will and what won't work in our lives, so I think we should be able to make better choices.
=
We all need to find someone who is at our same level and station in life. Someone who's made it through some trauma and come out a better person.

I honestly believe there's someone out there for all of us. Those on this board for a long time have learned alot, and I believe it will pay off.

I still ask myself that question and I hope the answer is to prepare us for someone even better in 2007!

Your Mr. 5 sounds so much like my Mr. 11! Like you, I also wonder if anyone else will ever compare. The day he came over to tell me he'd moved his XGF, now wife, back in, he also told me he'd never met anyway who was as much like him as I was. That's how I felt, too. I do understand his decision to want to make sure there was nothing worth saving - especially since it's the decision I wanted my XH to make so many years ago.

newly, I agree with that! Actually, I wonder if I'm TOO picky... I wonder if I should give some of the guys a chance who I reject on the basis of physical attributes.


And I honestly hope you're right!

Amazing isn't it?
Mr 5 actually stood in my door and cried while telling me he was returning to his xgf. What was that all about? I never did understand that. If he was following his heart, why was he crying? Maybe cause he was that great, and actually had one to give. Who knows. I keep watching for his marriage license.

Someday LT, someday!

K!

Probably in both our cases, our questions will forever remain unanswered. What scares me is I've so rarely felt the way I did about Mr. 11 and it was all so easy with him that I wonder if it will ever happen again. Meanwhile, I plan to live my life the best I can. I'll maintain the on-line memberships for a while at least. My other fear is of finally resigning myself to permanent singleness as I see many women my age doing.

So many of the old-timers here have moved on to new relationships. I've been here for almost 6 years now, but my divorce was only final this year. In 2007, I plan to start building a house, after living for the past two years in a travel trailer, and I hope to begin expanding my business, too.

I'm hoping that 2007 will be a new beginning for all of us!

Well, my case, I kind of think I'm better off. I did run into Mr. 5 a few months back in the park. He followed me and talked to me. I didn't get a warm fuzzy that he was entirely happy, but, it was comfortable. He is a widower. And, on some levels, I'm sure the security is even harder in their cases. Only speculation on my end.
I know exactly what you're talking about. Funny thing is, he claimed to have felt the same. I thought we were very much on the same page. Who knows LT, who knows.

I do think we're better off. If they both went back to something that they both said was so wrong. How does it get so right so fast? I'm not convinced.

I have the same fear as you on the singleness. But, it's a reality isn't it? I know I'm not ready to settle for less. So, the alternative is alone! Doesn't seem too appealing either, but.....

At least we all have each other to bounce this stuff off of and we know we're not alone.

K!

Me either... I try to find something in my own experience to compare it to and the closest I can come is when I broke up with XH while we were still dating because of his verbal abusiveness when he was drinking. I got to be friends with a guy at work and we shared problems with our X's and I went out with him one time. I didn't feel attracted to him and when I realized he wanted more than I did, I ended it after one date. I went back to XH soon afterwards. I try to imagine if I'd really liked the guy and it was a healthy relationship as opposed to the unhealthy R with my XH.... I believe, at that point, I would've still gone back with XH because I was obsessed with him. I kind of got the impression Mr. 11 weeks was obsessed with his XGF/W and his R with me was "healthier" with virtually no drama whereas their R seemed like nothing but drama, just like my R with XH...

It was kind of sad to realize that he just hadn't been through anything like this before while I'd BTDT repeatedly with XH and would never want to go through it again. He has to learn this lesson for himself, and maybe they'll be able to grow through it, unlike XH and me, since substance abuse isn't an issue.


I agree!


And it really helps! Why else would we still be hanging around here after all this time?

I did the same, and that was why I never had hard feelings towards this guy. A friend of mine said, I wouldn't give him the time of day if he came back around. I never felt that way.


Yeah, I got that too in my case. I don't see it healthy.
Even though I really cared for this guy, and I could see potential, I feel I'm better off. If I ever enter something new again, it's my hope that it will be the real thing, with no hesitation.

For the veterans! I for the most part am not finding common ground on the forum any longer, but I still read. When us long timers post, I seem to have more in common there. It's all the time process I suppose. And for that, I'm thankful!

K!

I'm going to chime in here. I went out a couple of times with a guy who was my type. He stopped calling and I moved on. Then, M appeared. M was definitely not my type. While he made conversation, he was difficult to get to know. And while deliciously tall, he was interesting to look at rather than easy on the eyes. He couldn't write the kind of funny, entertaining email I've come to expect from my nearest and dearest. Then, I thought to myself, "Self, you've done a lousy job picking men. It's high time you give this one a chance."

I'm sure there are some items on his wish list I'm lacking. For one, I'm zoftig rather than svelte. Lord, I much rather be svelte.

Anyway, it's been over a year. M has a lot of the qualities I really want, but they weren't things I could tell right off the bat.

Of course, I really love men. I'm not very discriminating. Although, I don't like biker types at all. And while I may like sailors, I would steer clear of them. Dangerous in my opinion, and the boat is truly another mistress. Wiftty excepted, naturally.

And how did M appear? I always find the stories interesting.

I do get what you're saying. After a crash of an 18 year marriage, I don't know that I can pick the "right" one.
When/should a good one come[s] into my path, and I find a couple of factors that are appealing, I will give it a shot.

You have a way with words there GG! Good for a smile!

I'm happy for you and M!

K!

PS: Did I tell you? The guy I went out with a couple of times, calls occassionally. He's pretty self-centered. I had a narrow escape.

I agree. I, too, can understand Mr. 11 weeks choice and don't have any hard feelings, but I think that's just my nature - and yours, too! - and I sometimes envy those who can just get mad and move on!


Wouldn't we all like it to be that easy! We're still waiting for our Princes Charming, LOL!


Hi GG, Thanks for your contribution! I heard someone say in an Al-Anon meeting that their "picker" was broken, and that's about how I feel. How did you know M was the guy you should give a chance?



LOL! I think that's what sometimes gets me in trouble!

I think I'll know I'm ready for dating when I stop looking for someone who reminds me of Mr. 11 weeks. That's a formula for disaster, and I know that.

Passed "5" yesterday LT.
He still looked good, sigh...Brighter side, I smiled at him and left it all as I passed him.
he doesn't know what he gave up! Ha! little humor there.
But seriously, no pain, just someone I once knew.

K.

Glad to hear it, K! How long ago did your R with him end?

I saw 11 and his new W across a parking lot yesterday. I wasn't even close enough to see if "he still looked good" but I had a serious anxiety attack anyway. It brought back feelings of shame over being dumped. I also began to feel angry for maybe the first time since he broke up with me. When I met him he was grieving over her. Then, after he got together with me and started feeling better, she was the one grieving over him. He told me continually that he'd never get back together with her while he continued to "counsel" her through their break-up. Then they suddenly got back together and left me, and I guess one of her XH's who thought she was getting back together with him, grieving over them while they ran off and got married.

The hardest part for me is realizing I got myself in the middle of their little drama! Didn't I learn anything from my dysfunctional M?! I hope that soon, I'll get to the point you're at where I can see him and wave with no more pain.

Funny you should ask LT! It was April 1st! Would have liked to have thought it was an April Fool's joke, but, it wasn't.
So, it's been what, 9 mos?! It took me some serious time to get over him. I was crushed. I mean crushed. It's that whole time thing. That we know and hate so much.

Try not to feel shame. It's not our fault that they weren't done with their past relationship. So they told us they were. We had faith in someone once again, and that's a positive. One day, it will be real for us. Ours to keep!
You were innocent to the whole drama. I think you will see this differently in time. While I think my guy was pretty great, I knew there were a couple potential flags that I needed to check out. It may not have worked anyway. And that's what I have reminded myself of.

Here's a funny, well, kind of.....I went out with a friend tonight. A woman came in, they knew each other. So the two women are talking, and they were exchanging phone #'s. The second woman says, here, I'll write on this paper, I didn't like this guy anyway. {she had his phone # on a piece of paper} She said, his name is C and he works at _____. I said, ah, would his last name be ????? and she said, I think so. Well, look, is this his #? My LTR would be C and it was indeed his phone #. Guess they had a ONS together. How nice! A little weird to hear, but, all in all, I'm okay with it.

Sorry you felt the hurt when you saw them. I do think it will get better in time.

K.