Well, DH and I are still doing great but I know where my mistrust begins.

Yesterday, I did attend the memorial, total of 20 people including the widow and me. Sad! The widow even said "Just because he's got doesn't mean that I'm going to drink!"

I met SD at his hotel and we rode together "in case" he drank a drink and I could drive. Well, I had to go get the kids about 7 and what's he do orders a drink. I said well, I have to go get the kids. I heard him tell the bartender to put his drink behind the bar that he would be back.

Well, he told the rest of his friends that he may or may not be back. We got outside and I said "Dad, if you want to come back, I can pick up the kids and drop you off and pick you up when your ready."

He said "No, I don't want to hang out here!" So, He dropped me off at my car; I picked up the kids and my mom TMed me asking if he was okay. I called her because it was easier, the kids and I were on the way to get DH something to eat.

I explained what happened and told her that he asked the bartender to hold his drink but then told me that he didn't want to go back. Well, the hotel was right there so, I told her I would pass by. His truck wasn't there, so he lied to me.


Mom said that he could be anywhere, now I didn't go back by the bar to confirm even though it's a few blocks from by house. I thought about it but he's grown and can made his own decisions. I actually decided not to check and see if he was at the bar because I didn't want to verify what I already knew.

In our conversations, SD has said that he stopped drinking years ago, them , he orders a drink at the bar. Classic case of my childhood, SD says something and then does the opposite. I thought about it off and on last night, knowing that it's him.

I wanted to talk to DH about it but haven't gotten the opportunity yet...to explain that this is where my mistrust begins. LOL, I watched him pull out his wallet and was saying to myself "Don't order a drink, don't order a drink," hoping he would order a coke. OH, well.

I didn't have to babysit him and I didn't have to be around him...benefits of being an adult! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> But, it is bothering me...proving once again that what he says doesn't hold water.

I would appreciate any thought that anyone has on this, just to help put it to rest in my mind...

Thank you for listening to me this morning... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You are all dear to my heart!

To really heal from my past, Rinder, I had to disengage/detach from my FOO and focus on my IMMEDIATE FAMILY...

This means totally LETTING GO of your SD..

Have you read ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS by WOITITZ..I say it's a MUST READ FOR YOU....

Particularly since your SD is actively drinking, being with him is EMOTIONALLY DANGEROUS for you...

You no longer have to participate in that drama..EVER AGAIN...

You are now FREE to live YOUR OWN LIFE..with YOUR OWN FAMILY...

Thanks, mimi! That will be easy enough, he's leaving for TX today. He'll have a 12 hour drive.

We just started talking again this past Father's day. We hadn't spoke in years. I decided to call and we've spoke once a week or week and a half since. This just shows me that I'm better off without FOO, which I already knew but I guess that lesson needed to be reinforced.

I've been doing well for 13 years without them... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I appreciate the recommended reading I'll have to check into it. Thanks again, mimi!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You're years behind me..but in many ways so far ahead of me...

I'm basically healed from my FOO issues but failed to focus as much as necessary on my immediate family...

Oh well...ONWARD....

(((Rin)))


I haven't been on much lately either.

Just wanted to let you know that I missed you.

Glad to hear that things are going well for you and your family.

Enjoy F and L - they grow up so fast.

Nobody in my house ('cept for me!!!) believes in Santa Clause anymore. Takes a little bit of the fun out of Christmas.

I'm still leaving out a snack for Santa and the reindeer though. Been doing it with the kids for 30 years now. I can't stop now!

LMAO...

(((((lizzie)))))

I'm sure that Santa will be kind to you...I'll make a special call to him to see if your on the naughty or nice list... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> What kind of snack do you leave out?

Well, L got his letter from Santa, Santa asked for carrots for the reindeer...I heard on the radio that one little girl choices to leave a bottle of water and two snackwell cookies because Santa's said he needed to lose some weight! LMAO

On another note, I'm struggling with last night's thing with my SD...I know what I need to do but I can't get it through my head that there is no understanding why he choice to do what he did...

Did I mention that he snapped at me while we were there? He looked over at the table where his F's ashes, resting in the Capt. Morgan's bottle and his picture sat...I went to tell him something and he said to me..."I know what you're trying to do and it's not working!" (In a really harsh voice and walked out of the bar.)

I just stood there thinking "he just DJed me!" I didn't walk out to check on him immediately...I waited about 10 minutes then went outside. He was crying, and said something about how sad it was that he couldn't keep it together for everyone else!

Okay, I'm done! My mom's TMing me right now! I'll update later!

Okay, Mom Tmed me telling me that SD was outside of Lafayette and wanted to know if I had talked to him before he left. I said no, he didn't say anything about what time he was leaving or anything.

She aslo said that I needed to go visit my grandparents b/c SD said that my grandfather wasn't looking so good. Now, he hasn't seen him in what two, three years...How would he know what good or bad looks like? I just said okay!

Then, she tells me that I need to touch base with SD. So, I asked her where he went last night, she said that she didn't know that he said that he said goodbye to everyone and that he was leaving today.

That answered my question b/c he didn't do that before we left. I just asked her to TM me when he got home. I'm not calling him...the phone works both ways and he could have called to let me know that he was leaving.

I feel that I have put forth my best foot, rearranged my schedule to accomodate him by choice and I get treated the same way as I use to...no...I don't have to deal with that! And won't...

Mom can have her little fantasy world...

So, back to the real world! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

DH and I went shopping for clothes for tonight's party! Spend lunch together....

GUESS WHAT!

He goes DAYS MONDAY! HURRAY! HURRAY! I'm so excited...I've got "BAD" thoughts floating in my mind... (snickering to herself like the Grinch thinking about stealing all the presents) LMAO...

SO, I really have a reason to celebrate tonight! All is bright and shiny in the world!

LOL...Now, I have to adjust to having him around...PLease pray that the adjustment goes smoothly...him being nights has been a kind of Plan B in itself! Lots of time to myself to think and work things out for myself...

It's been rough! Worth it all the way! LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hooray for RINDER!!! Now it's time to put that pseudo Plan B back into M recovery full drive!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Congrats!

HAHA! I fell like your going to look tonight! LMAO


HOT TO TROT! PAPA better watch out! MAMA's ready to race! LMAO

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

THANKS, SL!

Oh, Rin...that's terrific news!!!

How about calling your SD and stating your truth...You don't do DJs and you don't get your hopes up anymore. You respect he knows where you're at when he wants a relationship. Thank him for being present with you at his friend's wake. Period.

Your H is not your SD...both are human and that's the extent of it. Both will succeed and fail, love and hurt, and one of them stays present. Love that one.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I think that's what you're planning to do, anyway!!

LA

Hey, LA!

OH, I DO PLAN TO ROCK THE WORLD OF THE PRESENT ONE! LMAO

I'll call SD in time...I'm angry and hurt right now...hoping...my fault...all me...hoping for differnt...learning some things haven't changed...some have...

Expectations...mine...and the show that he puts on for other people...remember I said how I had learned to "show" other people that things were not as they seen...

He's truth is that he's a hotshot...like he's trying to prove something to others...knowing the truth...the real him...I don't know at this point if I want a relationship with him...

Telling me what I need to do, when he hasn't done what he's saying...

It's a case of...don't do as I do but as I say do...his saying...

It's troublling for me...so much deception...

It was a great reminder of why I try to be real...true...of all the lies and what life was like being with them (SD and mom)...

I don't need it...chaos...I don't want to be involved...right now, I'm too close for comfort!

GOOD MORNING everyone!

I hope that all of you had a wonderful weekend!

DH and I had a great one! I tell you what my drive for SF is up! Could have something to do with my LB, huh?

DH asked several times if he behaved Friday night at his Christmas party. There were two women (his boss' W and a friend of OUR) that hung on him. The boss' wife does it everytime she gets drunk! It's cool, I'm use to it, and don't mind. Her and I have been knowing each other for some time.

But, DH was putting his hands in the air, and looking at my for approval. I had to tell him several times that he was doing great! He even asked Sat. night!

Poor heart, he's trying so hard to walk a straight line and not do anything to upset me. MOF, he talked to mostly guys at the party and said that he was trying to behave. I thanked him for it.

Yesterday, we did a toy run for a community center here. Boy, my heart was floating from all the great feelings of being able to help out. He talked Santa into stopping by the house after the event. HN was having a birthday party for two of her kids, and her H got our kids and the babysitter to go to their house.

So, Santa dropped in and the kids went wild! It was great!

Later, the kids and I went to church and then, all four of us went to the GN house to watch the Saints game! I walked home with the kids early to get them down for the night and took my bath. DH came home later.

All in all, we are doing wonderful! It's so great not to have to worry about every move he was making! Of course, I was making myself miserable with part of it! Keeping it at the front of my mind. I was trying to get DH to earn he part of the trust before I gave him my half. Well, it's working better with me giving my half at the same time. Hard lesson to learn....

Of course, people are different...what works for one may not work for another! I'll thrilled that I've found what works for us!

I can really say that we are in recovery. Well, I'll be around during the day!

Right On, Right On...!!! You sound so uplifted, riding above, truly overcoming the past. That's great!! It is so nice to hear about your recovery; it's uplifting.

Thank you SL!

I think that there are several things here that are working for us...

We are both very stubborn people...and some things that I wanted him to do appeared to be part of a control thing to him and in fact I do view them now as me wanting to control...

When I gave in a little...DH gave in a little...I've been extremely clear of what's acceptable behavior with OW and what's not! I also have to understand that DH has always been a very friendly person. I'm fine with him talking to woman I know...even getting calls from them asking about events/things we all share together.

For instance, a friend (T) called last night...I guess T thought he was still working nights and she was driving in from somewhere and was getting sleepy. We were both up, so he talked to her a little bit, and once she felt she was awake, they hung up. To me that's taking care of my friends...

So, different from NOT sharing "Friends", if that makes any sense.

Now, I still have my questions, I guess you can say...like today was the first day DH works days in a long time...I wondered when I woke up if he stopped by the "store" for coffee. Now, I'm not going to ask...because we have an agreement...he will share that info with me, if it happens...

It's not easy holding up to our ends of the bargain...at least not easy for me...but I fine that the more I do, the more he does...

Today, the setting has changed but the rules are still the same...a little uncomfortable...but it will get better! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I appreciate everyone here for standing by me and offering their thoughts and opinions. I have gather so much strenght from you all!

Rin,

The IC told me 3 months for the change in behavior to take hold. Meaning he is trying now and it takes effort but if he can sustain for 3 months it will become easy for him

The fact he is trying so hard shows where his heart is.

Glad things are going so well for you. You seem like a very different person. A person at peace. Good for you.

How are the kids?

Again you should be proud of the work you have done and the returns you are receiving.

Hi, Frog! Thank you so much for noticing the changes! I feel more at peace...I don't get worked up nearly as often as I use to...

Less anxiety...less depression...for the first time in my life...

On another positive note...DH had promised to go a different route to work...

I picked him up for lunch...I also let him know that I would not being doing that everyday...

Anyway, he mentioned the route that he took this morning and it's out of the way...he said Thanksgiving day that he would go another way so that he didn't have the tempation to stop there. I was very happy to hear this. I didn't ask anything about it before today or after he said it. Just accepted it!

Return on investment...WOW...his actions are screaming to me!

The kids are doing great! L has a Christmas party Wed. that we will be going to. I just need to help L will his mouth...LMAO...He's gotten to be quite the smartass and will talk back.

F's still doing well, and in fact he likes sleeping in the spare room. I haven't seen a bad attitude out of him since the behavior plan started. His grades are coming up and his handwriting is looking better. I'm really impressed with him. Spelling still needs some work but it's going there! LOL

Thanks for asking, Frog! How's your return? you haven't updated in awhile!

Rin,

Things are wonderful for me.

M is on the road to recovery. FWW has done a 180. It feels a little wierd to be honest. She is really trying.

OS is doing much better. FWW has really stopped being too easy on him.

For instance the other day I was joking with OS about daddy clause not buying him something. He said then I will go to mommy clause. Mommy clause said those days are over. I agree with daddy clause. We are a united front. In return OS grades are climbing. One more class and he has all A's and B's.

I just left my job. I have 2 solid offers and one I am waiting on. I will decide by next week which to take.
I feel great. When I gave my two week notice they said I didn't have to stay so I have the week off.

My return is more then I could ask for.

My FWW is very repentant and she is showing me how important I really am.

Well congrads on the job offers! I hear that you are doing great...wow! Family turn around with us both...

Are the stars realining for a costic blast? LMAO Has the atmosphere had a chemical change? More oxygen in the air so that our S's can think clearly? LMAO



I can say this I'm not looking for things to create myself a bad day! LMAO Yes, I said...I let myself ruin my days...bus would pass by...okay, trigger...I think of OW...then, I would think of what DH wasn't doing to "Make" me feel safe and secure...I would question his actions...

Instead of...bus goes by...think of OW...okay, I thought of it...ask myself what am I going to do with that info...and decide to let it go...

Bus passes everyday...I just chose not to let it destroy me...I accept it and move on...

Same thing with DH and his moods...I can take them on for my own or I can let him have his mood and be okay with it...

I think I'm actually laid back and relaxed for the first time in my life...and it feels great...


LMAO...it's almost like SUPERNANNY came into my life...LMAO

but then I think no, it was just LA, you, AmI, and a few others right from the beginning...holding my hand and making me stop holding my breathe...reminding me to breathe...deeply...stop...think...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, Dh had a rough night!

See Tues. night he made arrangements with a friend to meet him up at the tattoo shop. Now, my al-anon meeting are at 7pm on Tues. and Thurs. So, I didn't say anything about it except that I wanted to go.

Wed. Night, DH went to get his tattoo after L's Christmas party.At the party, I said that I wanted to go to my meeting and go to the Harley shop for ladies' night.DH didn't say anything about it. It was actually an add on to an existing tattoo that he has been having. It looked great when he came home.

Well, Last night, I got home, cooked supper, and had it ready when he got home. DH was in a great mood, vclowning around, looking for a tool. Well, I said that I was getting ready to go. He asked where, so, I told him. well, he got mad and went in the house.

I went in and F started to tell me that DH wanted to go to bike night, but DH told him to shut up. F complied. I turned to DH and asked why he didn't say anything about wanting to go. DH said that I should have known. So, I asked if I was suppose to read him mind.

I said that there was an easy solution to the problem, that I didn't have to go to ladies' night, but I wanted to go to my meeting and I would only be gone an hour. DH said to go, but was still mad.

So, I left and I didn't feel bad about leaving. I told DH I would be back a few minutes after 8 and asked if he would have his shower by then. DH said yes.

I got back and he was standing on the GN's porch, dressed ready to go. I was in really good spirits, but he wasn't. He was pissed...I got the kids ready for bed, and DH was taking his anger out of them. I read the boys a story, we said our prayers and I got them off to sleep.

Well, I walked into the living room and asked if DH was leaving, he said No, that everyone he wanted to see passed by on their way home. I let him have his bad mood, but told him that he should have said something yesterday. Well, he got so mad, that he sweep everything off his endtable across the room and broke the glass in the enterainment center.

I said that I wasn't cleaning that up. Well, he walked out of the house and then walked back in and repeated what I said about not cleaning that up and he said that I don't clean the house. I said you are not going to made me mad.

DH walked back out of the house, and I heard F balling his eyes out in the back. I walked back there and told F to calm down and asked what was wrong. F wanted to know what DH had broke, at the time, I said nothing because I didn't notice the glass. I hugged him and explained that DH was mad and that was okay. That DH and I would still be together and everything was going to be okay.

F quickly calmed down, and said that I needed to go check on L. L was fine, but I asked him if he wanted to sleep in the bed with F and he said yes.

Well, DH came back in the house while I was talking to the kids and settling them back in. After I was finished I went back into the living room and updated my address book. Occassionally, I would ask DH a question or inform him of a card that I had sent to one of his friends. He didn't really talk and that was fine.

He was watching AMerican's Funniest videos and I was laughing at some of them. Then, I went take my bath, finished folding some socks. DH went to bed without a word to me. I finished up what I was doing and went to bed, slept good.

I got up this morning and DH had picked up a few things off the floor but paper and glass is still there. I had to explain to the kids about the glass and L asked if his dad was going to jail. I said that he wasn't and he said but he broke the glass. I asked him if he had ever broke anything and he said yes. I then, asked L did he go to jail, and he said no. I said well, dad's not either.

So, that's where I am this morning...still in good spirits...I may end up cleaning up the mess for the kids safety but I will not order a new piece of glass or made any phone calls about the glass. That is his consequences and he will have to deal with it.

My sponsor was very proud of me that I had showed up, regardless of DH being mad and she asked after the meeting if we could get together next week. So, I'm loooking forward to that.

I just would appreciate other POV on the situation and how I handled it with DH and the kids. I can say that in the past, I would have backed down and ended up staying home but his stuff was more important than mine. Dh tried to make me feel guilty saying that I've gotten to do whatever I have wanted. He tried to blame me fro his lack of communication saying that I should have known that he wanted to go to bike night because he's just coming off of nights.

I mean it sounded like I was dealing with WS again. I actually had to point out to him that he was trying to tell me what I was thinking at one point. I called the DJ.

Okay, I'm finished! Thanks for listening.