((((Rin))))

They are just dreams; just dreams. If you feel uneasy outside of those dreams, that is real. No, your H doesn't get it, yet; and I'm sure that he does STILL have anger about the ONS, otherwise, why would he mention it in comparison with his A. You are allowed to tell WH why the store makes you uneasy, as long as it is about YOUR feelings, not placing blame for them.

Your H needs to be made aware that you will, most likely, always feel some kind of twinge when you see that store, and why you feel it.

It's okay, just breathe, think on it, take your time, don't let the triggers rule you. Part of healing is cleaning the wounds, and you still have some of that to do; it's gonna be okay, Rin. You have every right to be angry with OW, and you know it, so don't project that onto what your H may or may not think. Don't worry about his reaction to your anger against OW, unless the anger is really toward him...

Rin, you are doing so well, and GOGO sounds magnificent. I love those little dogs, they are forever like puppies... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yes, DH was passing by and he saw his co-worker digging in the dumpster. Dh said that he had his work clothes on and she has a white shirt...(She did, I saw for myself!) and DH said that he was going to see if she needed any help.

I have to believe that this is the truth. I was also thinking that it may change the way I think about the store...knowing this is where we got her...


No, I was not okay with him and the store. Yes, he would bring me coffee, but I still wasn't okay with it. It was really a fight to get him to stop going there.

You're right I was expecting something b/c I asked prior to telling him the dream that I needed some compassion and understanding. I was reacting to his stuff, just like you and HB said.

I jumped from the dream to the store trying to explain that I don't hang on the A every minute of the day that sometimes I get triggered. That's when he said that he didn't understand my thing about the store.

HB, we have addressed my ONS. After I confessed to DH, I ended all contact with him...now DH still talks with him from time to time and that's his choice, I can't stop that. I have done my best to honor my M and my DH.

Now, DH did say the other day that he did not have an A but of mine. I said that was good to know.

FWH thinks that b/c he got over my A that I should be over his...He's said that I didn't have to go through all of this sh** like he has.

With that being said...I return my position to the lighthouse...


Your right! I didn't do this around him but when I got here...I started getting frustrated and then made myself angry. Feeling misunderstood.


HAHA...sometimes that what it takes to learn our lesson...LOL...I'm still learning mine...

I wasn't really mad at him...but thinking about her...that's a bonfire! I've really had the chance to deal with my anger at FWH but not her.

HUM...unresolved issues...thus dream, huh?

FWH knows that I don't want him at that store...it's on his way to work...the main road...he agreed 11/24 not to go there anymore...he did once and came to me immediately with the gas receipt saying that he didn't even go inside...I appreciated him telling me...

I'm glad that you are enjoying my posts, AmI. I really appreciate that you said that...I was wondering the other day on a post to someone if I was being judgemental and living the life that I'm choosing...makes sense? Being true to myself...not living a fantasy... and today I get you, HB, and Frog...

WOW! This is great...

WOW...you know I was just reading a pasage today about asking for what you want and getting it/not getting it, then letting it go if you didn't...

I asked DH, didn't get what I needed... I stepped out on a limb...was rejected for whatever reason...and not I just have to figure out what to do next...

Perhaps it's not what I truely needed or not the right time...perhaps he wasn't capable...I know that I was very clear in what I needed from him...

Okay...it's sinking in...I reacted...yes, I did...good thing it was /is with you guys...

I know not to take his stuff personally...I also DJed him by thinking that he's protecting her...he hasn't said that...I thought it.

Oh Boy, I need to turn that around! Thanks guys...

Rin,

Wow I think I would rather feel like my WS was protecting somebody by taking the credit for the A then them to place the blame anywhere but themselves.

It isn't my fault you should be mad at her is what he could be saying. Oprah says it is easier to run with your skirt up then your pants down.

He may be a little misguided that you shouldn't be mad at her but at least he is accepting his part.

I thought about this a little after I posted...

I think that I have seen that we speak from our experience and that's what he trying to do...relate from his...

Is it not true that people experience different levels of pain...different depths...perhaps like AmI said he doesn't/hasn't felt what I have...no triggers...

I know this b/c of how fast he talks about moving on from my ONS...

Cheating is cheating and I was treating his A worst than mine at one point...but it's not that his A was worst than mine...I think that it's my pain that's worse than his...

I need to say that it pains me...I'll have to think about it some more...would appreciate it if anyone has any thoughts...

M2L...perhaps we can talk more about the pain...I do feel alot...not as much as I use to...but it's still present...

Thanks Frog!

OKay, I realized yesterday on my way home that I have been deceiving myself about my "ONS."

I had SF with OM only one night but I have to admit that there was an EA prior to...there was a connection otherwise I wouldn't have done it.

I was kind of kicking myself last night and it was a great blow to me. I even met him at his church one time for a Memorial thing that the church was having. So, I will no longer refer to my A as a ONS. I was deep in denial and last night I grieved that. Today, I have to accept that fact and move on from here. I have a few questions for FWH about how he felt...I would like to know these things.

I think this will help me move on with his also. I'm ready!

FWH and I didn't talk last night. He wasn't feeling good and was in bed for 7:30...poor thing slept all night. Godiva and I curled up on the sofa after the kids went to sleep. I ended up falling asleep too!

Rin,

Dang you I wasn't going to log in today. Just take a little peak and see how everyone was doing.


What if it does the opposite for him?

Everyone has their own way of dealing with things. He may have dealt with it in his way and now talking about it brings him back to a place he doesn't want to be?

I will suggest this to you because it helped me. It cost money I didn't have but now I see it was worth it. I also dragged the FWW almost. Go SEE an MC.

I am about to give you a 2x4 so get ready.

You keep guessing and then fixing things you think might be the problem. Although this is good for the self improvement and recovery of Rin it might not have the same effect on your M.

Sooner or later the H is going to say "this too shall pass" when it comes to something you want to do or try.

Our MC worked so well he actually told us that we were done. NO more MC. Not because we are fighting or he couldn't help us in a positive way but we are done because it was good. It didn't cost that much. I think his rate was about $90 per session. He saw us every week for the first month then twice a month. Our insurance covered some so our out of pocket was about $50. But it was worth it. Not to mention the IC portion but heck I think I deserve to be happy.

I feel that I must say that my A was a rockbottom for me in a different way than FWH's A. I feel that I'm still climbing the staircase...and dealing with the same issues but in different ways, learning my lesson over and over again...

Admitting my faults...facing reality and the hard truth of my bad choices...learning a better way of life...knowing that God doesn't give us more than we can handle at the time...arming, sort to speak, myself with a new slew of tools...

I have all of you, my recovery program, MB, family and friends to thank for that...

Rin,

OK lets do it this way then. I get headaches. My left leg hurts. My right knee hurts. My back hurts.

I take aspirin for the headaches. I use ben gay on my left leg. I wear a brace on my right Knee. I wear an icey hot pad.

Then one day I get tired of all the fixes and go see a doctor. He tells me it is a condition that is very easy to treat. When I sit at my desk put my feet on a foot stool and take my wallet out of my pocket.

I feel better from that day forward. Simple fix.

I would say this. YOu just came to the realization that you did. Maybe this would have been uncovered if you were seeing and IC or an MC.

Hi, Frog...I missed you 2X4 post...LMAO

I would love MC...remember I scheduled the appt...FWH backed out...said he doesn't believe in it...


I have been asking for years to go to MC...still no dice...

Can't be the cause, cure or control...

IC...beat me all you want...I'm not ready for another go around with IC right now...I like my recovery program...better than IC...

:::ducking out of the way:::

IMHO, I'm the healthiest I've been in years...moving in the right direction...we're healthier...no back and forward...reactions...

FWH has all the answers to his questions about my A...I was honest with him...we've talked about my A from time to time in the past eight months...he just didn't tell me how he felt about it...well, maybe I didn't listen...

I might not even ask...I was feeling run over earlier...my heart was really heavy...I before E (intelligence before emotion)...I was emotional before...a reminder that I do make mistakes...

I liked being the perfectionist in the past...today I know that I'm human...I am no better than FWH...and I use to think that I was "better" than him in some ways...smarter than him in others...

Perhaps a way of putting me in my place, thinking that my pain was/is greater than his..

Rin,

POJA on the MC then.

You want it he doesn't why does he get the final say? Not saying you should have the final say either.

I cannot think of one good reason not to go to MC. So list why you want to go and ask him to list why he doesn't want to go. Then take the lists to an MC and see what they say. LOL.

I am sure that you can figure out a way here. My FWW didn't want to go either.

If you don't like going to an IC maybe you were going to the wrong one. Just a little push there.

Any way you are doing great. Even if this was a setback for you it is much smaller then they used to be. YOur I is kicking in alot quicker. Right

Yes, Frog, I would have to say that my "I" IS kicking in alot quicker...LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I do find that I am able to bounce back much faster than I have in the past...being able to move through the T.E.A.R. (?) process better with each day...

I can say that the committee in my head adjournes...not more special sessions...LMAO

I know better...treat myself kinder...with more respect...

I trust my judgement and (biggie here, watch out) admit when I am wrong...LOL

No way would I have done that even a few months back...

Oh I hate admitting I was wrong LOL.

Funny the other day I found myself appologizing. Me MR. Perfect stopping realizing he was wrong and appologizing. Freaking wierd. LOL.

I am glad the processing is going better or has become easier for you.

Don't get clouded with the little stuff. Lets face it some things will trigger you.

They don't all need to be discussed or uncovered or dug deeper into. They are what they are. Fleeting triggers that can't be helped.

Some might need to be but let it go for a while unless it keeps coming back.

That's what I do anyway.

LMAO...I did the same thing...I was blown away...


I think the hard part is figuring out what's little and what's not...LOL...would that be the part where I am myself "How important is it?" LMAO

I've got a bump in my road today...which actually begins yesterday afternoon...

FIl pops into town...w/o letting anyone know...spends the night...well, it's Thurs., bike night for FWH...he tells FIL that he has a meeting...I was disappointed...

FWH met with his guys friends and bar hopped while FIL, the kids and me went to dinner...I didn't tell FIL any different...we had a good night...FWH wanted to go b/c he's missed several due to the weather...

I also invited FIL to F's parent/teacher conference this morning at 8. FWH didn't inform anyone at work about it and wasn't going to come.

Well, I TMed FWH and let him know that FIL was leaving...this was before about 7:15. FWH calls and asks if FIL was upset...I said no, and asked why he would be upset. He said no reason...Then, he asks me to call his boss and let him that I can't get in touch with FWH about the parent/teacher meeting.

I said no, that was too much trouble...He asked what I meant...I said that I wasn't going to take care of his stuff...we hung up...he wasn't happy with my answer and called back saying that I wasn't dealing with his stuff but asked how many days I asked about the Taco Bell receipt.

I said two b/c I didn't remember his answer. He said that had nothing to do with it. I said that I wasn't going to call his boss and lie for him like I did last night. He said well, stop dealing with my stuff. I said I would and goodbye.

So, here I am...thinking about informing FIL that he lied...I know today that I enabled him last night but not telling FIL what he was really doing...

Needless to say, FWH did not go to F's meeting this morning...it was just me...

This is a pattern...I won't do what FWH wants me to do, he gets mad, tries to turn it around on me...

I have to recognize when I'm enabling him first. Am I to late with FIL or should I take care of that today?

In my mind, FWH is not handling his business at home...I felt that FIL was more important than bike night...FWH didn't...I get that...

Well, MIL called. She said that FIL enjoyed his time with the boys last night I said that I did too. I informed her of the time he left and asked if she would call and let me know that he made it safely. Well, in the conversation, she knows that FWH is mad with me today b/c I wouldn't lie for him and that last night wasn't a meeting. So, she knows that FWH missed F's meeting this morning too...

She said that FWH would just have to get over being mad at me.

She's right and correct me if I'm wrong but I think that they deserve to know what FWH did...is doing...I needed her/them to know that things are still back and forth...

In my eyes, FWH still comes before his family...and in his eyes, I can see him blaming me for not going to F's meeting this morning...

Actions speak louder than words, huh?

No word from FWH so far.

He has said to me that letting me know where is and what he does is my way of controlling him. He has not called to say that he was going to lunch with someone or to invite me to go today.

Can we see the pattern? He gets mad with me for not doing what he wants me to do, DJ's, AO's, LB's, and rebels like a child. PA behavior?

I'm still choosing to remove myself for the sitch...I know that this is about him...I have to let him be...I guess...I'd moved my buttons...I've changed my behavior...still changing that...

Where do I go from here?

I told FWH about the dream I had the other day...

I'm under the impression that he doesn't want me to tell him these kinds of things...he doesn't want to hear that I still don't trust him...I feel as if he still doesn't want to face the problems with us...that the only time I can is very limited...

He said when he got home that I appeared irritated...I said I was and admitted to being a little resentful for not being able to go with him, that he went regardles of FIL being here, having to entertainer FIL, the puppy wouldn't stop biting tonight, and I couldn't get my post up.

So, we went take a bath together. In the tub, he said to me that he's stressing...I asked if it was about work...he said no, that it was alot of other things but wouldn't say anymore... We sat there not saying a word...until he started talking about something someone said...he would refer to the conversation as just small talk...

I don't know...

Well Rin I think for me and triggers I am a little further a long then you I guess.

I don't really discuss them much anymore. For instance yesterday FWW called me. Her Brother is getting married in NY later this year. Ouch. She wants to go. Ouch. She is crying about her brother and her relationship. Ouch. All triggers for one reason or another with the kicker about the trip to NY thrown in there.

It triggered me. Now here is the kicker. What can she do about it? Ok so early on I had the issue with the picture and you had the key chain. Easy Peasy. Get rid of those stupid triggers.

Now the store. What can he do about it? Ask them to rip it down? Never go there again? Ok I guess he could never go there again. Is it a reasonable request?

I mean for me and only me I will tell you I go to the same places on the way too and from work. If my W asked me to avoid one I might tell her I do but then go anyway. Why? I don't want to go miles out of my way.

That is just me.

I think for now you may want to put all M progress and M talk on hold for a while. Stop trying to make things better and just let them sit for a while.

I have stopped getting caught up in the day to day stuff so much and looked at an overall snapshot.

She still does things that bother me but the less I react the less they bother me.

Don't know if that makes sense. I gotta go eat.

I think your right...I think I need a break from it...


He HAD agreed not to go there...but I have a feeling since Sat. that's not the case...he wasn't and was very open about not going...

I think he's backing away and I'm feeling worn down...So, I think that would be in my best interest...

(((((Rin)))))

Long time no talk.

When I'm not at work, I'll read up on this thread so I can see how things have been for you. I hope that everything is going decently, at least.

Take care of yourself.

Rin,

Aha. He may have agreed to it at one time but is there ever a time he will be able to go?

I am by no means trying to diminish your feelings about this either.

Knowing your H the way you do is it realistic to expect that he would go out of his way to avoid that store?

If it is not then maybe you are setting your self up for hurt feelings.

Maybe realign the boundry or expectation to make it safe. IE if she is there you do not stop and if she comes you leave.

The store itself you are making significant you have the power to make it insiginificant too.

Just my thought and again not trying to diminish your feelings.

One more thought.

When I met my FWW she was imperfect. I accpeted those imperfections and loved her in spite of them.

After the A I was more apt to see them as a bad thing. When I stepped back from it she was the same in many ways. I just took imperfections that to me in the beginning were cute and made me love her and turned them into bad things.

She did have other issues or things that had changed I didn't like. No Doubt but when I took out the things that made me fall in love with her it wasn't so insurmountable anymore and there was much less to work on.

I felt that he was having inappropriate R with the W who worked there...

Some were Tming him...I didn't know about this...I thought that there may be another EA starting...

So, not only is it a place where he CAN met up with the OW but I think he was getting to friendly with these W...

I feel would feel so insecure...as far as will there ever be a time that he can go...I'm sure if all the employees changed it would be fine...if he learned what was acceptable and not acceptable...

Don't call OW in one in the morning when your W is out of town...this is a W who worked at the store...

I will think on it some more...I think you are right about making it insiginificant... I think this is something that I can work on...and perhaps will easy some tension...

That's terrifing to me right now...b/c I don't trust him...

That part is understandable rin but at some point he needs to start earning your trust so this isn't as big an issue.

If he has a propensity to stray maybe you need to think about your next course of action.

If you contantly have to stand over him and look at everything then what.

I mean are all the girls at that store hotties or something. If he started haning out elsewhere is it going to stop?

If he started going to the store around the corner from that one are you going to be safe?

IMVHO I don't want to be with my FWW if I have to worry about that again. That is just me. I am going away in a few weeks on a trip. I have been on many. If my FWW had to worry everytime I went that wouldn't be fair to her.

My behavior would need to change. Unless of course she was just the jealous type.

In other words he needs to modify his behavior.


Look I stopped needing women friends when I got married. I don't care who you are. If you are married then nobody should be TMing, emailing, or calling if they are the opposite sex. Unless we work together and it is busienss related.

again it is my opinion. He needs to decide if he needs his ego stroked by OW's or if he is secure he is a good looking strong man. I know I am I don't need any other women to tell me so.