How do you deal with WS still in intemittent fog, but having periods of reconnecting? ie: wants to go to my work xmas party with me, making plans with me for Sat night (usually date night with OP) one night wants to be near me slept together cuddling all night. then the next, very distant, slept on couch, barely talking. I was able to give space, but I am confused, is this the withdrawal stage. WS stranger than ever. I, however, am feeling more calm. that's good right?? still sticking to strong plan A. do I continue to give space?? I want to pounce on this ask millions of questions, restraining myself!!!!

I would say this is normal and will take a long time. Make sure your spouse is not in contact, by either spector.com, cell phone bills, tape recording phone or wherify.com. The withdrawal concerns me, although normal, worried that they may still be seeing OP.

thanks dveloperz, actually WS is still having phone contact and see's OP at school. hasn't been dating at night any more, because of restrictions I have placed, I am trying to set boundaries. I told WS, if she wants to be with OP, "get a job, apartment and then you can have 3-4 nights a week sleep overs." I couldn't live like that. WS agreed not to sleep over, and since that conversation WS seems to be confused about what she really wants. close and conversational, then distant and quiet. Now she wants to talk tonight. I am freaked out, I am losing all my calm, don't want to push her away. afraid I will lose my cool if we discuss things again. I guess my goal should be NC, right? stay focused on that I guess. any other suggestions????

BTW, I had to stop all the spying, #1 I know there is contact, #2 I was unable to maintain plan A for more than a day after hearing all those intimate exchanges. I still have access and will use it when she at least tries to commit to NC. but for now its on the back burner.

Your WS will be in a perpetual state of withdrawal as long as their is contact with the OP. You need to get NC between WS and the OP. Keep up plan A. NO RELATIONSHIP TALK! Just try and meet ENs. Who have you exposed to? Is the affair still ongoing? You need to post a little more info. But the point is NC is the key.

yes, the A is still ongoing, WS still claims to be "working through it" loves both me and OP. one day wants to stay and work it out, next day professing love to OP. I sense a lot of unrest in A though. WS and OP have been argueing, WS sent email to OP stating "love shouldn't be this hard, I feel bad all the time" I have been guessing on the EN's, but WS seems open to discuss EN"s now. would that be an OK topic to discuss? then back to NC. any advise for wording. my mind is blank from anxiety!! keep reciting to my self, NO RELATIONSHIP TALK. how do I get around that??

also, WS is in law school with OP, I am financially and domestically spporting us) WS has made attenpts to have no classes together, but next semester they have one together. how demanding do I get about that. is it possible for her to see OP all semester 3x week, and still recommit. she has to take this class, not an option to skip. how far do I push it? BTW NC still not established.

more info/ exposure is done, to all that matter, it was more gradual because it was unplanned. it seems to be working. when OP found out I had listened to phone conversations, OP then outed self to parents and others for fear I would send tapes to OP's family. the pressur is on the A. also WS mother and best friend are in full suport of M. so I have many allies.

so say I can get to NC, what do I do then. how do I meet EN's if WS is withdrawn. should I just let WS take the lead, and respond in kind???

How do you know he outed himself to parents? Were you there? You still need to talk to them. He probably told them a half-truth. You need to get your evidence and tell them the entire truth. I would make a plea to the pros to help you out, but I would insist on NC. It really sounds like your wife is truly addicted to the OM, feels trapped, and doesn't know how to get out. You have been in plan A for a while now, so maybe after Christmas, I might tell you to try plan B to finally shake her out of it. You have kids, she has no money and cannot support herself financially, so I would consider kicking her out and cutting her off after the new year to snap her back into reality. The OM is in law school as well, so obviously he cannot support her. If it were to go to divorce, you are in the house, you provide financially and domestically for your children, and your WW is in an affair. You would get custody of the children. She likely would not be willing to lose all of this. You are in a good position here. You actually have control in the relationship. If she cannot give up her OM, I suggest exerting some of that control.

As for ENs, just meet the ones that she allows you to without LBing and hopefully she will slowly allow you to meet more and more. Don't push too much, but try to meet the top 5.

FB,
how are you? I promised myself not to be all over the boards because it can overwhelm me. But i had to respone to your stich........relax.

You are in a better place than you think.compared to others here, you are lucky. Give a shout out to J95 (Hay Jay!),MM MIMI and LA. Find them on hte boards and invite them to your stich post.

Like J95 said.........meet the EN that she is allowing you to meet and Do things without prompting. like (if you are not doing it already) take care of the kids and all activities......have fun.

Here is what i did so far: made an occassional card just talking about friendships. and the once a week foot wash. then watch TV together. No small talk.Keep them guessing. LISTEN TO WHEN THEY TALK TO YOU and occassionaly repeat what they said. LOOK AT THEM while they talk.

tough it out.

pray alot. Its normal to be anxious. God took care of your stich before you were even born.

Grow your true character. Become better.

There is a reason why she married you. She will see it again if you do not panic...often(cause you still gonna)

just my .02 cents.

Go with God my friend. Fight this good fight. Let it be said that IF (probably not) she hit her head and left, she will know that she has lost a good thing.

Dont try to push her at your rate. Let her give all that she can now and appreciate it. Be a safty net for her feelings.

Nuff Luv from Jamaica.

Sorry Jim...just called ya Jay <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

thanks for all the good info nc and Jmwc. I will take it all and any more. I appreciate the kind words. and thanks for pointing out the control issue. I never looked at it that way. I feel stronger than ever. I know I can do this. just to clarify... the OP is an OW and my partner(WS) and I (BS) have been together for 15yrs. we are all women. I have a tendency to give to much, so I am trying hard and actually doing well with giving just a little, I think WS is realizing that I actually DO need her too, I used to do everything emotionally. maybe that is the beacon that will show her home. I also feel better about myself, though the change is uncomfortable, I know it is necessary.
thanks again for all your help. It is a lifeline for me:)

Where do you live and whose children are they?

thanks for your interest. We own a home equally, and we carefully arranged our family to be a solid unit, WS gave birth to our oldest son, and I gave birth to the younger 2, all of the same anonymous sperm donor. so the children are biological siblings, we also felt this blood line would bring us closer together. though we live in a state that does not support gay marriage, like most. so technically we are "roommates" that each have sired children. I have contacted my lawyer and as far as the children go, we are working on guardianship, but it is 100% voluntary. that means I would allow her guardianship of the 2 children I birthed, and she would allow the same for me. We both remain constant on our childrens needs. separating them is never an option. but then again, I believed we were together forever. that verdict is still out.

Okay, same principle goes. You plan A until after Christmas. If the A is still not over, cut off your WS and go to plan B. You have exlusive legal rights to 2 of the 3 children, and she cannot support herself (or afford law school). Make sure you have exposed to all who would be able to put pressure on WS to end the affair.

hopefully I won't need a plan B, but that is naive of me. I will do some more reading and formulate one. I actually tried to kick her out of the house initially, before I found MB. and she refused, said she didn't want to leave, its her house too, and needs to see the kids. she ended up moving into the den, and I suggested that she stay there until finding an apartment and getting out. but now since finding MB, I am doing plan A. we haven't discussed it any further, she is looking for a job, and an apartment half-a**'d, but I don't think she really wants to go. she sometimes sleeps in our bed, cuddles and such. I am trying not to LB, so I let her. then she withdraws as I said an has her couch time, I suspect so she can love chat with OW. anyhow, day by day. I have better focus now, thanks for all the advice!!!!!!!!!! New Year means new challenges, I am ready for the fight!!

If she refuses to move out, a plan B letter along with the locks changed and her stuff on the curb always does the trick (and gets their attention).

Ha Ha , I like your style. I may do just that. thanks I needed to laugh.

BTW, I am curious, is that what you were forced to do?? I see you at least have NC!!

OK, I have another question about exposure. when I contacted the OP's EXGF, it really freaked OP out. the EXGF is not in support of the A and still remains close with OP. (yes it is weird, but lesbian relationships often have this lingering meaningful attatchment(friendship) when they end. a phenomenon that is bewildering.) anyway, if the A is already exposed, would it do any good to continue to speak to this EXGF? she has told me to call her anytime. my purpose would be to keep putting pressure on the OP, and thus the A, but would my WS see that as an LB??

I was my wife's doormat for about 2.5 months during her affair. I posted my story here on 11/3. I confronted the OM that day, and tricked him into admitting a PA with my wife. I exposed on 11/3 to ALL her family, friends, coworkers, boss, and OM's parents and friends. That night she told me it was over and she was getting a divorce. On 11/7, I recorded a conversation where she told OM that she wanted to be with him after she could get a divorce and a job in Boston (we live in St. Louis, but OM moved to Boston during affair). I make about 2.5 times what she makes and for the most part, support the both of us. I decided I wasn't going to support her cheating on me any more. On 11/8, I separated our finances, retained a lawyer, and left her a note saying that she had until the end of the weekend to move her stuff out, and get health and car insurance, and a new cell phone plan. I told her I would talk to her that night, but after that I was never speaking to her again. Later that night she called me to tell me she wasn't sure she wanted a divorce, and that she told the OM she wasn't going to talk with him anymore. She broke that agreement once for a ten minute conversation on a calling card from a payphone that I discovered the next day. It was mostly closure contact, and it seemed that he no longer wanted her for unceremoniously dumping him 3 weeks earlier. She hasn't committed to the marriage yet, but things between us have been improving.

On contacting the XGF, you can use her to monitor contact between the two. Talking to her is not a LB, but make sure it is strictly business, and don't have your WS think anything is going on between the two of you. You don't need to tell your WS about the calls if you are using them to check up on her.

I pretty much hold the cards now, she has no job, no money, and I think after xmas is good for plan B. but how do I know she wont just say what I want to hear to stay in the house, doesn't she have to make the desicion to come back herself or is it OK to keep her here under the false pretenses of comfort, security and financial support. after your wife committed to NC, did you continue plan A, is that the next step. you can see I am desperate for NC> arggh. feeling like a loser!