Hello all I am new here, I've been on the Marriage Builders site since I began to suspect my H's affair -- found much information to confirm my suspicions and lead me to final discovery of proof (which, ofcourse was unneeded).<P>Basically, here's my story: I had a baby in March 99. Also at this time my husband was working in another state for an extended period (6 weeks). The week before he was to come home he began having an affair. After he returned home the relationship continued through letters, email and daily phone calls. <P>From July 99 through Sept 99 I repeatedly questioned him about his distance, delivering a "love busting" ultimatum about my suspicions of an affair, as our marriage continued to deteriorate he began to contemplate leaving me and the baby. I told him that if he found someone else he wanted to be with he should go, and yet he stayed.<P>Just as we were again entering the stage of "Giving" (he had told me that he realized he loved me but was still "confused" about many things) I discovered overwhelming evidence of his affair (cards, nude pics and a pair of panties in his briefcase). I confronted him about what I had found and he admitted to the affair. <P>At first I planned to leave, but at this point he told me he loved me he was once confused about this but now realized he only "cares" for the OW but loves me and wants to be with me. So I decided to go into Plan A, as he also told me he had ended things with her and there would be no further contact.<P>That was two weeks ago. Since then the OW has continued to call, beep and email on a daily basis and my H has fallen into the trap by returning her calls to say "We shouldn't be speaking, don't call me anymore." Additionally, he has lied about calling back, but I've known because I've checked his beeper and call history on his phone. Who knows what goes on while he's at work? Grrrrrrr...<P>Finally on Sunday I couldn't take it anymore after I caught him calling her -- he told me it was to tell her about the wonderful day we shared and how committed he was to his family (yeah, right). He now says he called yesterday and completely ended their relationship, even though he supposedly ended it two weeks prior. I told him I can't live like this and have made plans to leave. He has asked me what he needs to do to "fix things."<P>I've suggested he pursue his relationship with the OW so he can figure out what he really wants. He says there "is no relationship" and "he is not the right person for her" he says he loves me and he's sorry and wants to work things out.<P>However, he refused to call the OW and end the relationship in front of me. He admits to giving her mixed signals by refusing to tell her he is still in love with me and that's why he wants to end their relationship. Instead he tells her he wants to "work out" our relationship and be a good father to his son. <P>I feel this is a double message, and this is why she continues to call. I don't know if I can keep this up for 6 months, I'm tired of this crap and I want out. I don't know if I love my husband anymore because he is so unlike the person I fell in love with.<P>BUT, I do have some feelings for him. I hate to give up without even trying, however if this is hopeless I would much prefer to be on my way to healing rather than slipping around in this mud.<P>Do you think his affair has died a natural death? Or is this going to require 6 mos of Plan A, then Plan B?

During the early days of post-discovery my H went to great lengths to explain to me how much he admired, cared for and loved the OW. He was sure I would have liked her to under different circumstances. After listening to various versions of this story on several different occasions,in non-loving busting ways,I might add, I asked him if he ever had told her that he loved me. (He had been telling me he loved me in a different way than her, and that our life together was his priority). He said, "No,if he even mentioned something fun we had done together, she would clam up and get sullen, so he did not want to spoil their time together by being truthful to her about what was going on with us." This was before I knew of the OW, when we were making a great deal of progress on our relationship due to some major perception and attitude changes I had made! I had been making love bank deposits without knowing it. But he could not tell her! He could not even tell her when he ended the affair. He just said to her that he wanted to concentrate on our marriage and that it would not be fair to any of us if he continued to see her. ( She, basically, told him to stay away too, for her own reasons (long story))<BR>He could, however, tell me about his feelings for her! Go figure! I guess my role as "best friend" came into play there. If you can't tell your best friend your problems who ya gonna tell? He knew what he was saying to me hurt me, but maybe he was testing the strength of my convictions to work through this together by telling me the worst first, giving me an out so to speak. If I could hear all that, still stick with him and forgive him, then maybe what we had was a he11 of a lot more real than the "love" he had with OW.<P>Plan A does work. It worked for me even when I did not know I was doing it. It worked for me before I knew of the OW. It prepared us both for the pain of discovery and withdrawal. Give you H some time. My H had his affair for TWO years before I learned of it! He may have been somewhat ready to end it. Your H's affair barely got started. He can be won over to your court with your assurances that you can forgive. Your assurances are what Plan A is all about. <P>I know, if feels like you are doing all the work. And you are. But, as others here will tell you, that is where it has to start.<P>I thank God that when I was plan A'ing that second year of my H's affair that I did not know I was "competing" for his affections. If I had know about the OW at that time I wonder if I would have had the fortitude to continue the PLAN. I'm sure it would have affected my positive behaviors tremendously. I luckily was able to re-establish a foundation with H, before we had to deal with his infidelity, and plan A approaches helped me do it. IT TOOK a LONG TIME! Over a year! But it can be done.<P>Well, I am saying the same thing over and over and over now, so guess that is a good time to stop. Hope you got something out of this.