Last night I asked M to tell what things I did that gave him that “warm fuzzy feeling.” He said he didn’t know, and why was I asking. I replied I was asking so that I could make sure I could do more of it. M thought that if I consciously made an effort it wouldn’t give that same warm and fuzzy feelings. Well, if I unenthusiastically did them, it sure wouldn’t. But, I’m probably enthusiastic about most of the behaviors I already engage in.

M went on to say how I should just be myself and not change. I pointed out how whenever we spoke of the challenges of combining households in the future, he said “We’ll all have to make adjustments.” Could he clarify the difference between making changes, and making adjustments? Then, I get the classic “I get the feeling you’re looking for an answer here.” Duh.

I can’t help but take a step back when I find out someone thinks this should always just come naturally. If we got m’d, we’d have to make changes in our behavior. When we hit rough patches, we have to make changes in our behaviors, and that’s not what feels natural. What feels natural is either to persist in the behaviors, or run like heck.

Sometimes I feel like I’m in a precarious position. Because of all I’ve been through, I have a much better understanding of what’s at stake in a marriage, and the challenges. I also know many more techniques for improving relationships then M does. Yet, I don’t want to be in a position of “teacher.” And I most certainly don’t want M to discount what I’ve learned from my experience as “Well, your marriage was doomed from the start.” It was, but that doesn’t mean the lessons I’ve learned are invalid.

I guess this is what I get for dating a NMNK. Or is that NKNM?


And then there is the plaguing question: Am I too fat?

Too fat? For what?

As I recall GG you have a lovely, WOMANLY figure. Is M looking for a boyish body? Has he mentioned to you he doesn't like your body type?

What's up with the body insecurity?

Hi! BTW.

I'd be concerned about his attitude that a relationship should be easy & natural. As we both know that usually means shouldn't take work, goes with what "feels" right,they are often right...

ex once made a statement to me while out on our date night during our year of false recovery. He said he'd learned to "go with his heart". I found that very frightening.

Well, that's where it all gets strange. I've never before gotten the feeling M expects relationships to be a cakewalk. In practice, the man makes minor adjustments in his behavior for me all the time. He pays close attention to what I like and dislike. He's usually in the forefront when it comes to discussing problems and disagreements.

It could be he simply had a tough day. It was four hours before he could even tell me about his day! Up until then, it was "fine."

And no, I have not heard of any dissatisfaction from M about my figure. That is mostly me. I've put on ten pounds and my clothes don't fit.

And then, there is my own fear. I've gotten used to having him around. BUT, I don't want my life to change. I don't want a TV in the bedroom. I find TV a distraction from what I should be doing in the bedroom. Plus, look at all the couples who disagree about what to watch before they go to sleep. That must make it more difficult to fall asleep or want to have sex.

I've never had a T.V. in the bedroom & agree 100% with you about it being a distraction.

As for your weight. If you're uncomfortable with having gained ten pounds, try to lose it. If you're not uncomfortable & 10 lbs looks good on you, go get some new clothes.

It's key that you say you've "gotten used to having him around". This sounds like fear that he will leave. Then you say you don't want your life to change. This sounds like you're not ready to take the steps to incorporate him fully into your life. More time maybe?

Hmm, well, maybe your question did not come at a good time. Maybe he was preoccupied with thoughts from the day? Hard to say, but, his response would be unsettling to me as well.

I don't get the feeling that he is having issues with your bod there GG. Nothing you've said points there. I know how I feel when I've gained a couple/few. Doesn't make for good feelings, and I become sensitive.

I'm in agreement with Nams, more time.
You both seem to really enjoy each other. Relax and enjoy!
Get a cosmo. Get some new "fuzzy" feeling ideas <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Surprise him! Maybe he has a point. If you knew the things that sent him, maybe it would take some of the pleasure out of it.

I'd say you're doing fine though. And you're right. Based on where you've been, I think you do have more experience in the territory. Don't let that guard down totally.

K.

Well, this sounds like an opportunity to have a good discussion with him. Why not ask him what he thinks of Harley concepts? Does he think POJA and ENs are crap, or does he buy into them? Does he believe that marriage is more than a cakewalk, or does he believe it should be natural? I think that these are very useful things to discuss, and I think you might learn quite a bit about him, or what marriage to him would be like. Better find out now than later, right? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.


I dunno... My ex, who obviously was married and had kids, did not buy into any Harley stuff. She thought POJA was too "controlling", and she believed in "natural butterflies" rather than trying to work on meeting ENs.. Of course she was sleeping with a coworker at the time, and there was nothing but fog pouring out of her ears... Still, even without the affair, I think she had no interest in the concepts - so NMNK folks don't hold the patent on this <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

hi green!

I don't think this is a NMNK issue.

I have to admit that I read your "make changes vs. make adjustments" and I would have had a hard time coming up with an answer to that too.

Its probably just more of a communication style issue. You might have a perfectly good idea of what the difference between changes and adjustments are -- but he's scratching his head. He sounds committed to doing what it takes to make it work, just has identified anything that is worth raising an issue over.

It sounds like you're trying to identify his needs and make sure you're meeting them in the ways he likes them to be met. (good thing to do!) Maybe its as simple as using the EN questionaire as a guide!

Perhaps you could address them one by one instead of the whole questionaire? Talk each one out to gain more insight?