What I've found difficult lately is my reaction to ex's behavior.

While in a school conference with middle son's Spanish teacher ex asks if middle son told the teacher WE lived in Spain for almost a year. Teacher says no & ex goes on to say how much WE loved it, how it was a great time for ALL, how we were able to travel through Spain & go to other countries. On & on recalling how great it was for the family. I'm feeling very hurt & sad as he describes what really was a wonderful time & he's so clearly not affected by the loss of it all. He's moved on with his new life with gf friend & our marriage is just a speck in the wind.

I've just responded to an email from ex saying how good he thinks it is we can by the boys joint gifts for Christmas as it sends a good message. This too hurt & made me sad.

Has he so successfully moved on that he can see me as a "friend"? I certainly don't see him as a friend. I will do whatever I can to make sure my boys are never placed in the middle of what could be an antagonistic relationship. I do my best to get along, be civil, keep ex updated on all kid's stuff. But friend? I don't think so.

He's been friendly & chatty lately & I find it upsetting & disturbing.

What do y'all think?

What do I think?
I think we were married to the same man!

Nams,
My x pulls the same kind of crap.
He didn't want to be married to me, but boy, be at an event with our girls and he's right there with us. [granted, only when wifey isn't with him] My skin crawls.
Recently, we also had a meeting with our OD's counselor.
She has had some medical issues that we were going over.
She asks us how we are doing? I say fine, his response, "great, doing great". I suppose in his eyes life is great. Of course, he wasn't the one left to pick up the pieces and make life normal for the girls.

I'm civil with my x. He on the other hand, would enjoy a great friendship with me. I don't see it happening in the near future, if ever.

Your x seems about as insensitive as mine.
Mine has had a tendancy to be chatty as well. Could it be a lift in the fog?? Not sure and honestly, I don't really care anymore. Just be good to our kids. That's all I ask.

K!

It sounds similar to my situation.My ex is almost euphoric whenever he gets a rare chance to talk to me or see me.I find it revolting.If I never heard or saw him again in my lifetime it would be just fine by me.IMO it's like he still gets the benefit of you in his life while the GF is also part of it.In my book,that's not ok.So,I don't interact with my ex as much as is humanly possible.In all honesty he doesn't deserve my time nor do I feel safe around him.He always pulls some stunt too that makes me remember why I've chosen not to talk to or see him.

My children and I got along as best we could during the dark days of him disappearing to be with OW and behavior like that.To this day we can still manage a great deal without him.Lots of phone calls happen for the kids but not much physical time with him.

Nams what works for me is not interacting with my ex at all,if I can help it.I don't want to know how he feels,what he does and whom with,where he goes.I honestly don't care and it feels very uncomfortable for me to hear any of it.Perhaps that is what might work for you.I can understand your wanting to be cordial and be there for the kids but you don't have to be in pain or be uncomfortable too.

Most WS's,imo, don't ever see what they had as loss,not truly since they have "moved on" with the opportunistic OP in their lives.Your ex may also have wanted to present an appearance to the teacher that was not entirely truthful.

I think their idea is to have benefits from both/any sides... like 'eating cake', somehow... to fulfill gaps in their present life... 'open your eyes to see good things and close them not to see bad ones' "philosophy"...


My X goes even further... There were several times that he introduced me as - his wife
Believe it or not
The most recent case, 2 weeks ago - X asked me to pick up something from a company in town where I work (to save him a trip) and he'd take it from me later when bringing back our son
I went and said to a guy that X had left something for me to take, and the guy said - "Yes, X called to say his wife would pick it up, and we have everything ready for you Mrs. X..."
Of course, he doesn't say that to everyone; just when he sees some benefits in it...

Yes, it sure sounds like it. Or maybe he just wants to get along with you and doesn't want to make any waves, especially, since you do have children together.

I believe my WH forgets some of the good, funny times we had over the years, heck at this point he forgets how horrible he has treated me in the past 3 years. You know how they have selective hearing, I think they selective memories too....LOL

Unfortunately, even though we have never had children together, we do own a business together, so even when we do D I will still have contact with him..YUCK....

I recently went to my (prior marriage) XFIL funeral, saw x (I haven't seen him in over 12 years) and we talked about the old times together, we had some laughes, etc. He introduced me to his new wife and daughter, It was very nice but that M didn't end like this one is going to. I have to admit that I only remember the good times with him and not when I was a WW and left him high and dry..I still regret being a WW but when I saw how happy he was it made me feel better.

The saying of What goes around comes around, in my case istrue..I was WW and now I have a WH...

Hugs

Still nice that you all can talk (even if you don't want to)with your ex's. Me! (being a male) don't even want to be in the same state as her. Even in the beginning when I try to work with this NPD it was very hard to talk with her. But after she said "I don't have to talk with you anymore". Well thank you missy and have not spoke with her since. And my children feel the same. When we talk about her not calling and writing them, well it's smiles all around! I am not kidding we all just smile! But sometimes I can still see the hurt and Anger in their eyes. Which just makes me sad and mad at the same time.

Thanks for the replies.

AB, I do have to interact with ex. Not only due to the boys but we made a deal, he can leave his R.V. at my house in exchange for doing work around my house.

I try to leave before he picks up the boys & I'm not here when he does repairs or work. When he drops the boys off after they've been with him for the night he comes in for a few minutes. I see the benefit for the boys & will suck it up.

I guess what bothers me the most is the feeling I get that we, me in particular, are just some part of his past life that has been put away neatly into box in his head.

I don't want him back, he'd need to be a very different person for me to even entertain the concept, but does he not feel any loss or pain? Is he so happy to be living his new life the pain & destruction no longer touch him?

I don't wish ill for anyone, yeah, him included, but it looks like such a clean break I feel like our 21 years were part of a story, mostly imagined, not real life.

sag, for those who deal with mental/emotional/behavioral issues the words "normal" or expected just don't apply. I think some of the coping mechanisms you & you kids must use are in addition to those the "regular" divorcing couples use.

ITHURTS, I'm not sure I'll get to the point, or want to, where I only recall the good times. That would remind me of the re-writing of history ex did that pissed me off so much. I understand not hanging onto bad feelings & allowing those tho interfere with my life now, otherwise known as baggage, but if I toss all the bad how do I refer back for the lessons I've learned?

B2M, Referring to you as his W? That's just creepy. Mine at least has the good grace to use ex. Of course, since he's living with gf, with whom he works & has for years, he's probably mindful to use ex for her sake.

Yes, Karona, insensitive is a good word. I like oblivious too.

I've told this story before but...

When ex moved out into his apt., the first time he'd ever lived alone, he was giddy. I brought the boys over for the first time & ex greats us at the door, big smile on his face & asks me if I want a beer. Like this is party time. Duh

Charming! Simply charming!
I would rather sip one with a snake!

K!

My ex felt the same way. In her mind, despite the betrayal and divorce, we would still be a family, still get together for events, and we would all be friends. They a re in real denial about the problems they have caused.

They don't seem to realize that we must move on, and to do so that means purging them and our feelings for them, out of our lives. They probably think this way and encourage this fantasy that everybody is friendly and happy, because it takes away their guilt.

My ex is friendlier with me than she has been in years. Sometimes I walk away from her and I find myself thinking, "is this the same woman who was screwing a coworker not only behind my back, but almost in front of my face, as I stood on my head trying to keep the family together?". Then I remember that it is in fact the same woman, and her friendliness and sweetness to me, as if we are best buds, makes me want to puke. So, I sympathize.

AGG

Puke is another good word AGG.

What's up with your dating life AGG? Anything exciting going on for you?

Nah, nothing doing. I thought about it, and realized I have neither the interest nor the energy that dating requires. Not dating I mean, but the looking part. So, I am sitting out till sometime next year. I'm happy being with my kids.

I also know that G will call soon, as we are nearing one year from our first date. Not that it matters, I am not interested.

Thanks for checking, nams <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

Creepy but nasty too
First few times I felt so mad... I guess I got used to it now, doesn't botter me anymore... Anyway I have no time nor wish to explain them anything... I.e. I don't care what he says nor people HE talks to...
(Btw, he still from time to time says to me he never lost hope we might be back together again... Yeah, right, I'm just running to the past again... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />)


Well, mine has no OW anymore nor anyone else (that I'm aware of, that is)... and... see... irony... NOW I'd like he has... because now he's so unhappy and depressed that I feel so sorry for him (can't help it, although he had never felt sorry for my pains...) And also, he wants to talk to me (like nothing happened), invites me out for supper, and if I don't want to do any of that (and mos tof times I do not, and when I do it's if we have to talk about our son), he accuses me of being bad co-parent! Imagine that!
He goes so far that he says - 'if you have no time for me I have no time for our son!'
:-((
He knows how much I want him and our son to have a good relationship (well, they have, I could say), and he knows it'd hurt me if they don't (and I did all possible things to make them bonding), and he is using this speach whenever he wants to (kind of) blackmail me, to give him more privileges, or to talk to him when he's lonely...
And two days ago I told him it was enough.
And I'm really tired of all of that...
Sorry, venting on your thread...

Only for as long as the affair lasts. Then they often have a healthy dose of reality and regret their bad choices.

Alph.

Belonging2Myself: God that would have pissed me off! (referring you to wife) quick. Did you set him straight on this Issue?


I hear that so much even from my sister. Just wish I knew if that was true?



This one is hard to believe, but then again unless they have a personality disorder. Anyway childish behavioral on his part.

ditto!

This one I agree with you 100%. They do have to live with themselves somehow.

This was a great "venting" post, but time to get my another son up for school and me to work! Bye all.

B2M, using your son to get to you is despicable behavior. Sounds like your ex has some control issues. The unfortunate fact is when you have kids D ties you forever.

AGG, sounds like a good plan. You'll be sure to keep us updated on any calls from G. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I have to wonder how may ex WWS feel guilt. From my perspective it looks like ex just feels relief & a sense of freedom. Nice to know the marital history has been sufficiently rewritten as to have all been drudgery & pain he's now free from.

Nams,
In my case, I don't see an ounce. His choice, his to own.
As to freedom? I wonder if my x feels that? In fact, I do on occasion wonder if he sees my life might be a tad better than his own?
As my daughters came home last night, I heard tales of what's S's problem? Dad says, we just have to deal with it, she's been like that all week. And overheard him on the phone saying he doesn't know what's gotten in to her.
Then of course, I can never forget, the paper that he left out for any and all to see while at an appointment one day.
"Borderline Personality Disorder".
Huh, could it be wifey has some issues? Don't know. Hate that my girls are exposed to anything of the sort, but for him, I can't think of anything more deserving. Well, maybe one, but, this will do.

K