Hello,

I’m new to this website/forum. A brief (LOL) history of my situation follows. My wife and I have been married 13 years and we have a 6 year old daughter. D-day was March 2005. My wife was having an affair with a co-worker. She denies that it was anything more than just close friends (but admits that it was an inappropriate relationship). I found text messages saying he loved her (she claims she never read them and didn’t know he sent them) and a few other tidbits, so it seems a little unlikely it was just an EA. After d-day she was very apologetic, but that changed quickly to silence and refusing to talk about the facts. She said she would find another job, but she never did. She claimed that she was no longer in contact with him, but a few months after d-day I found out that she was still communicating with him at work and through their mutual friends (I assume, but could never prove that it was to meet up somewhere). We did the counseling thing and it was horrible. She was lying to the counselor and the counselor were telling me that I needed to start trusting her again (not that she needed to prove she was trust worthy). I remember pleading with the counselor to help me. I tried to explain to the counselor, that I knew she was lying and that she was still talking to the OM and that I needed help breaking her away from the affair. (I realized even before reading Dr. Harley’s book that as long as she was in contact with the OM we would never be able to rebuild our marriage. To be honest, the thought of her being around him made me sick to my stomach, so it probably didn’t have to do with any rational reasoning on my part). I also tried to explain to the counselor that I needed her to be honest with me and explain to me what she did with the OM. He felt the details would only cause more pain and would just embarrass my wife. I think his exact words were that affairs are built on lies, you know she lied to you, if you can live with that and move forward you can start working on the reasons your wife had the affair.

Around April I confirmed my fears that she was still in contact with the OM. I went to her place of work and confronted her and the OM while they were talking in the parking lot outside their place of employment. This was the closest I came to actually exposing the affair to co-workers (at the time I was unaware of MB’s principles). I also contacted the OM’s girlfriend and told her about the affair and everything that I knew. That seemed (though there is no way for me to be sure) to help with NC but caused a lot of new problems between my wife and myself. She continues to work with the OM and I’ve told her that unless this changes, I will no longer be able to stay in the marriage. I told her that I am not trying to control her, judge her decisions or give her an ultimatum, I’m simply aware that if the situation continues I will have to remove myself from what I believe to be an unhealthy environment and relationship. She said that she would most likely try to find another job, but she will do it at her own time and pace and that she couldn’t promise anything. She has said that she is no longer “in love” with me and that she does not respect me, but is unsure as to whether she actually wants a divorce. (She claims that my spying and confronting her in front of her co-workers freaked her out). She is now very depressed and claims that since I made a scene at her employment she doesn’t talk to anyone and that she and the OM have absolutely no contact. I thought I believed her, but since she still has not committed back to the marriage, I thought I would do a little more snooping. I parked outside her work the other day. I couldn’t see her walking out to her car, but I did see her and the OM pulling out of the lot right behind each other (about a minute apart). Of course this doesn’t prove anything, but it was a little disheartening. They didn’t meet up, my wife left work and went immediately to pick our daughter up, but it does make me think that they probably walked out to their cars together.

I’ve been going to IC for about a year now, and feel more capable of handling whatever life throws at me, and I believe that I am now ready to move forward without my wife if nothing changes in the near future. After reading “Surviving An Affair” I can see how I made some mistakes in the beginning. I also feel that I probably should have done plan b about 6 months after d-day. After reading Dr. Harley’s book about two weeks ago, I decided to go ahead and try a late plan b, but after some consideration I figured I didn’t want to do this around the holidays. It just seemed to be in poor taste and a horrible thing to do to my daughter at Christmas time. When I’ve asked my wife what she wants to do, she says she doesn’t know. She doesn’t believe that she will ever feel the same about me and that she thinks that a divorce might be the best thing for me.

Since this has been going on so long, I’m not really sure what to do. I wish I had read Dr. Harley’s book earlier. It just seems that things have gotten worse instead of better. The marriage now is basically a marriage of convenience or at best two friends living together. Unfortunately it doesn’t feel very convenient for me and I’m concerned that maybe I am causing most of the problems because I can’t get over her working with the OM and wondering what she did with him and how much of what I suspect happened actually did. I worry that maybe I really did over-react and let my imagination get the best of me.

The best thing that I can say has happened for me in the last couple of months is that I find that I am no longer angry at my wife. I am still disappointed and wish that she would make the commitment to save her marriage, but I am not angry anymore.

First of all, don't worry that you screwed things up by not following a plan. Most folks react to the knowledge of their spouse having an affair in very predictable ways; this is seldom the cause of any irreversable damage to your relationship.

What you are experiencing with your wife is not unusual. If she is still seeing the OM you won't be able to reason with her about stopping the affair. Follow Plan A as best you can, but she probably won't allow you to meet her most important emotional needs. Just do what you can.

You have a lot of catching up to do as far as understanding the Marriage Builder principles so start reading as much as you can.

I'm going to bump a topic that might help you called Dealing With Romantic Affairs.

Good luck.

Thanks Hiker,

I'm very worn out by all of this, so I'm not sure how much longer I will be able to hang in there.

I took a peek at the dealing with RA topic. Some of it is right on. Of course my ww would deny that it was ever a romantic affair. She just won't talk about it. She claimed a lot of things that I later found out to be lies and we I confronted her with the new information she tries to turn it on me.

She went to an IC yesterday and is going to another one today. She now admits to being depressed and needing help.

I do think as well you should go to plan B....
I think that waiting till after the holidays is fine...

I think you find a lawyer..
find out all about the laws in your state..
about limiting access of your daughter to third parties..
no overnights with other adults presents..

etc etc etc...

and I suggest you plan A your little heart this christmas season...

that you fill your home with joy...

pick a plan a plan B date...and make the most of every day....

fill the house with music
light candles
put on the christmas music...

grap your wife to dance in the kitchen..

charm her socks off...

leave small tokens and gifts...

romance her pants off from afar...

be happy....

buy a gingerbread house and sit down at the kitchen table to decorate it with your daughter....
and invite your wife to join in...

buy her some bath stuff...and draw a bath for her some night when she drags herself home...

take her and daughter out to look at the lights..
to see Santa..

family time

go see santa....

go to a church celebration together...


Also throw a few small 180's her way...not major ones that can be used against you..but little ones...

go out on your own one night..
look good..
smell good....
humm and whistle while getting ready to go..
kiss her on the cheeck and head off..

let her stew and be a little interested in where YOU are...
when asked...
say just out for a bit..perhaps some shopping...wink at her....

don't DO anything...
but a small taste of bitter medicine in plan A is an OK thing in MY opinion.....

get her attention

why you say
WHY??

because you have a plan B date picked and ready to execute....

so ramp up your plan A cause nothing is holding you back..

stop the heavy relationship talks...

talk about good sweet old memories....

make a CD of songs she used to like when you two were dating....

ARK

I wouldn't give up just yet. Do a good Plan A through the holiday season, and then start planning for Plan B. Is there any possibility that you could afford an appointment with the Harley's?

Your counselor did a lot of damage.

JJ.
First of all let me say welcolm to the MB forums. This is a place no one every thought they would need to be a part of .

I've read your post and you have received some very good advise so far. It seems to me, the reason this is dragging on as long as it has is very simple. NC HAS NOT BEEN ESTABLISHED. Your W and your M cannot survive ongoing contact. This is simply an indication that the A continues. Dr H is totally adamant that "NC must be established for the rest of WS's life."

Sadly, your WW has not committed to that yet, which means the A continues in one form or another.
What do you know about OM? Is he M'd or single? Everyone here will tell you the single most important way to break up this A is to expose it to everyone and anyone who could possibly have an influence on this. Your WW is getting her daily fix of OM at work, and ,unless this ends, neither will the A. Dr H likens it to a drug addict who is in constant contact with their drug of choice.

As far as your MC goes, get a new one, and fast. This is just another example of an incompetent C who has no idea about Affair dynamics. He/She will only confuse you and lead you down the wrong path, making you feel like you are somehow the insane one! There are good ones out there but you have to seek them out and find out their attitudes first before you seek their counsel. Actually, unless and until your WW is repentant and comes clean, you are probably wasting your money at this point.

As far as spying goes, call it what you want, YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO UNCOVER THE TRUTH IN YOUR M! If you had a child on drugs, would you feel guilty about going through their dresser drawers looking for drugs? Of course not, it would be your fatherly responsibility. This, then, is your husbandly responsibility, is it not? You have every right to uncover what is taking place in your M!!!

Sadly, if this is going to work out, there simply must be no contact ever again between your WW and OM. Until the A is broken up and exposed, that is not likely to happen. EXPOSURE IS THE BIGGEST WEAPON IN YOUR ARSENAL. It is your very best effort to end this and regain your W, not your WW, which is the real person you want back. Yes? This will mean your WW must quit her job, send OP a NC letter which you read and approve of(and alo mail youself for obvious reasons).

This is a real battle jj, hope you're up for the fight. Your best bet would be to drop your C and counsel with DR H himself. He could give you the best plan to save your M.

Best of luck,

All Blessings,
Jerry

Guess what no plan A nor B is going to stop an affair now or latter, they do it for their own personal gains, your not in any of the plans, I know from 19 years worth of a wasted effort time or hoping and praying, and now we still came off second best, the children and I. I want to continue with what time I have to my life and for my children, as the selfish man he is, still trying to lye his way back into our lives, and I said I don't need him, or 20 years worth of hoping and praying, and still getting the same old answer, "she mean't nothing to me", or, "I don't know what made me do it?", I could write a book on how not to trust an Adulterer, HUSBAND or WIFE, they have the right lines to say, cause they know how vulnerable we are, DON'T BELIEVE A WORD THE SAY!!! THEY KNOW US TOO WELL.....

JJ,

Welcome! I have been here a long time and I have seen many successes. Some of them come in the form of saved marriages, quite a few in fact. Some of them come in the form of a saved person (I am not talking religion at this point). What I mean is this. If you read the articles here, and do some reading of the books you will be able to put together a very effective plan for giving your marriage its best chance.

If the marriage does not survive, you will KNOW that you have done all you could to make the changes necessary for your W to come back to you, to give the marriage every chance, and that you now KNOW how to handle the relationship that is marriage. In short, you will be a success in this regard.

Frankly, you have nothing to lose right now. I would concur with the others you need to do a great plan A at least through the holidays. But, plan A is far more than being nice. It entails exposure of the affair, at work, to family etc. But, please read about exposure. Your spouse will hate it and you for it, but it is to be done with the idea of NOT seeking revenge or inflicting pain, but illiciting support and help for your marriage. If you feel your in-laws can help save this marriage ask them to and tell them you NEED their help.

Get another counselor it is amazing how poor some of them can be.

Start to learn about plan B, what the legal steps you might need to do it while maintaining the best chance of custody of your child. Learn, learn, learn, AND THEN develop a plan

Why are plans so encouraged here. This is a very very emotional time for you. If you react to your feelings rather than follow your plan, you will continue to diminish your chances of saving this marriage. A plan keeps you focused, moves you above the daily roller coaster that YOU WILL experience.

So read, learn, and plan, then execute your plan. You can succeed no matter how this turns out.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks everyone for the insight and kind words of encouragement.

You know that feeling you get in your stomach when something doesn't feel right, I got it again last night. My wife has gone to two different ICs in the past two days. She's come home acting distant and yet very polite. It's just weird. I'm not sure why I brought that up, it was just on my mind.

I feel very much like I am stuck because I didn't do anything for over a year. I feel like it is too late to expose to anyone I haven't already told, and I'm not positive they are in contact with each other. If I can prove without a doubt that contact continues, I will expose, expose, expose!!! I have exposed to my wife's family, my family, some friends, and the OM's live-in girlfriend. I confronted (loudly) the OM outside of their employment, so I know a few people probably witnessed it, therefore I am sure that most people at her work know about their relationship.

I did not expose to their administrators or their HR department. I did speak to the Head of the HR and she told me that there was nothing she could do about two individuals having an affair.

I used to have my wife's work email password, but she changed it once she new I was looking at it. If she is in contact with him, I think she would be doing it at work and through emails.

Thanks again everyone!