Please advise if this letter is still necessary if we are heading towards divorce/annulment in the future anyway. Or any suggestion on how the letter should be?

We have been separated for 5.5 years. No child support for the entire separation aside from monetary gifts during bdays and holidays. WH has OW and 2 OC ages 7 & 4 within an 8 years affair.

Please take note that I also had a brief PA during separation. We tried to reconcile on and off since I learned about his A almost two years ago; but it did not work out. He has to go back to our home country due to closure of his company abroad and I believe he was living with the OW.

Your comment will be highly appreciated.
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December 6, 2006

Dearest WH,

First of all, I acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. It is truly sad what has happened to our marriage and to our family. I have made many mistakes in the past that cannot be changed. What I have been able to do is recognize those errors in judgment and have learned from them so that I can take steps to ensure they will not happen again. My work responsibilities and relationship with my siblings have created a void in our marriage and an environment to allow your relationship with OW to happen.

I am sorry for not being able to join you to go back to our home country at this point in time. I needed this job abroad to support daughter and myself financially. I know in my heart, it was not the best decision to make. We took every step to prevent you from going home, but to no avail. In our last telephone conversation, you said you love me… sincerely. You made a promise to wait for us and to do things that will make me proud of you as my husband as you go back to our home country. You said you will stay with your sister's vacant apartment in the meantime as it won’t take long before we can join you back there. I honestly told you- I don’t expect that you will keep your promise. I’m sorry for my hesitation.

I apologize for not allowing you to stay in our house in our home country as you requested. Your stay there might slow down your relationship with OW but will not ensure to stop contact; lies and deceit will just continue to hurt us both. Our intention to reconcile and save the marriage is an honorable thing to do. However, there is no marital recovery as long as you continue your affair with OW. I understand your relationship with your other children. I was born and grew up just like one of them myself; and I have a loving relationship with my father.

I’ve been through some very rough moments since our separation- physically and emotionally. You know, I expected to marry my first boyfriend, to marry only once and to remain committed for life. But, I have done some intense soul-searching, and I now realize that I have to let you go. I feel I must break all contact with you now. Should we come back home to our home country due to current situation here in abroad, I will avoid seeing you or communicating with you in any way. I do not wish your bond with DD to suffer and I will be as flexible as possible with your communication with each other. I would ask your sisters to handle any regular communications between us regarding DD to make sure we will not see or talk with each other. While we’re still here in abroad, you can call L at XXX XXXX should you wish to talk to DD. I hope that you understand that I am not doing this to punish you or to hurt you but to protect my feeling.

I admit that this entire experience has been very painful, but I’m going to make it. The Lord has been with me thus far and He’ll go with me in the future. You and I had some wonderful times together, WH. You were my first and only real love and I’ll never forget the memories that we shared. I thank you for DD. She is the best thing that ever happened to our marriage.

Take care. We will continue to pray for you and trust God will guide you in the years ahead.

Love,
Someone

Please reply either "yes" or "no" or "don't bother". Thanks...

No. Healthy communication between birthparents will help your child develop. What kind of message do we send if the child knows the parents NEVER speak. I wouldn't IMO. Maybe the letting go part, but you can't go so disfunctional that it effects the child in their life development in relationships.

Thank you DF for your reply. Yes. I realized I am no longer in Plan B. We need healthy communication for the sake of our daughter.

Any more comment- from anyone?

thanks,
someone

First I'd say you are accepting far too much blame for the M break down in your ltr. A simple statement saying I accept my part in allowing the M get to a situation where an affair was possible etc is it.
The A was HIS decision. I also decided to have an A and I KNOW there are NO excuses. All the reasons in the world do not jusitfy that action. Dont accept more than you are responsible for

I would suggest that if you wish to end this M make that very clear in your letter, accept only your portion of the M failure and yes include contact arrangements as you can work out.

If you hold out any hope reconciliation then perhaps professional M counselling is a must before you decide if thats possible.

Just my 2c <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Aussie,

Thank you for your reply and comment. You're right, I am accepting far too much blame for the marriage break-up. I feel guilty in so many ways- for neglecting him, for my own A during the separation, for enabling WH's A to continue this far. I know I have to forgive myself, to forgive WH, to forgive OW... let go and move on.

Thank you,
Someone

Okay- here is the revised letter as per your initial comments. Please reply. Thanks...
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First of all, I accept and I am sorry for my part in the failure of our marriage. Please forgive me for all my faults.

I’ve been through some very rough moments since our separation- physically and emotionally. You know, I expected to marry my first boyfriend, to marry only once and to remain committed for life. But, we reached the point that we have to part ways.

I admit that this entire experience has been very painful, but I’m going to make it. The Lord has been with me thus far and He’ll go with me in the future. You and I had some wonderful times together, Boy. You were my first and only real love and I’ll never forget the memories that we shared. I thank you for DD. She is the best thing that ever happened to our marriage.

I do not wish your bond with DD to suffer. Whenever you are ready, you can talk to her. You can call her at night time here thru L’s cellphone at XXX XXXX (so you don’t have to call the landline). She’s been calling you since you left and expecting your return call, especially yesterday- her birthday.

Take care. DD and I will continue to pray for you and trust God will guide you in the years ahead.

Love,
someone