So what is Plan A supposed to accomplish? What should the WS feel because of this? Do you eventually stop Plan A?

To me, Plan A was my actions towards my goal to save my marriage. Because that's what I wanted.

It was making respect my premise in life instead of reactivity. It was learning my spouse and me were separate people...seeing where I had been ripping love amounts out of my spouse's love bank with love busters...and until I say them, I couldn't very well revoke my permission to do them.

Took a lot of looking inward, checking my old beliefs and acting from new ones.

It was being authentically myself, learning about boundaries and boundary enforcements...and as a byproduct, my WH stopped his affair to consider if our 16-year-marriage was over or not...look at his own goals and choices...and after a few months, chose the marriage...and eventually, chose me. I was closer to being the woman he fell in love with than the abusive wife I'd become...Plan A gets you from seeing each other as enemies, back to being attracted to each other for the positive stuff...consciously.

There are no shoulds in life...WS's will feel, think, believe and perceive through a fog of entitlement, resentment and lack of respect...FWS's will see clearly where their choices were and why they made them...WS use the BS as fodder for justification...they don't believe the BS love them...so Plan A states through choices and actions clearly, that the BS does...love the S and the marriage. And is willing to fight for both.

Plan A can help halve your pain and double your confidence...get your focus back onto you, where you have control...and the example of what you do sets the tone for recovery...demonstrates commitment, faith and patient love to the BS and the marriage.

Does that help?

LA

Yes, that does help. Very much in fact. Plan A will take some time to get use to though. Thank you. Any other views on this?

O.k. So I stop badgering her and just show love and compassion for her. Does this mean I have to trust her too? Do I just let everything go and try to trust again? Do I not bring the A up in conversations?

I had to get it set in my mind what I was doing..."show love and compassion"...don't know about the compassion part at all...she's hurting a lot of people, including herself...I didn't get to compassion.

I did find out, though, on MB, that we don't earn love...we choose to love...we choose our beliefs...I believed I loved my H...down into my bones, even when I didn't want to, seemed like to me, if it was my choice, I chose too deeply to reach. I set my belief, though, to know each act from love was my own...from my choice...not earned...and looked at what I had lacked most giving in my marriage...openness and honesty (O&H), admiration, appreciation, domestic support, being safe to hear his words and not refute or dissuade...

So my acts of love came from guessing his ENs and acting on those...especially listening instead of judging. Had to throw judgment out the window...and what a relief for me! I chained myself in evaluating, measuring, judgment...when he spoke of his many work issues, I now listened and repeated...acknowledged...not fixed, solved or critqued.

Out of respect for him and myself.

Yes, I absolutely trusted my WH to be wayward...foggy...I didn't trust him at all...and chose not to believe his stuff as The Truth...just his truth. Which is respectful. I snooped to verify and to know reality...not to fling it at him. Plan A is the reality bringer...so I got to know it, intimately, stating, "You talked to OW today. Want some more tea?"

Read all of Harley's stuff here and in his books...he says no partner should blindly trust the other...ever. We're human. To blindly trust is about you, your need...not the reality of humans. I found that I could recover well and fully without trusting...it isn't the essential ingredient in marriage I was taught...trust but verify has served both my H and me very well these last two years. I own my fears and appreciate his not thwarting my investigations...and I do not rely on him to tell me The Truth...just his. Very respectful and real. Not fantasy garbage of what humans "should" do or be. Humans do. Humans are. Period.

Until my WH recommitted to the marriage (which took about three months), we limited our R talks to each Thursday evening for 20 minutes...that's it. And he looked on those times, anticipated them, like a nightmare. Which is why you remove your permissions to LB...to become safe and respectful. Blows your mind you can do this...and stuns the fogged WS...in my case, I was an AO'r, DJ'r and SD'r...big time. Getting calm, quiet, listening and repeating and keeping myself to brief O&H statements.

I did set boundaries. "I ask that you do not talk on any phone in this house with OW. If you must speak to her, you'll have to go outside." Winter time in Colorado...and he did.

We were in MC...my WH's goal was to use counseling to decide if he would leave for OW, leave for himself or work on the marriage. Mine was to save the marriage. I respected his goal...my choice. He respected mine.

If your WS is in no contact...and hasn't recommitted to the marriage, Plan A still works well...WS have to go through withdrawal, come completely out of the fog, before working their way into recovery.

If your WS's affair is ongoing, collect your facts independent of your WS and expose. Find out if the OP is married, and notify their spouse, grown children, her family of origin, closest friends and your family.

Tell more about what situation you're in, your ENs, WS's ENs and you can receive more help. Also, what your LBs are...so you can spot and remove them.

Also, you may want to post in Infidelity General Questions II for the most traffic.

There have been many recovered marriages on here...I'm extremely grateful for MB because I now have a marriage which is better than I imagined possible. Read as many threads as you can on GQII...you are not alone.

And you're in a great place to save your marriage...and thrive.

Plan A is the beginning of that.

LA

So far I think it's going o.k. I went and talked to our family doctor and told her about what's been going on with me and my w lately. She agreed that I should be checked for STD. Then I told my wife what I did. Of course at first she was distraught. She was like "Great, now I have to find a new doctor". I told her that she needs to quit hiding and face up to what she did. I explained that my purpose of telling our dr. was not to drag her thru the mud, I just want to do what I feel is right to save our marriage. She ccried and was upset at first but she came around. This seems to be working fine so far. She told me that she was sorry for not considering putting me at risk for STDs. I think things are doing pretty good right now.
Jim

Please catch me up on your situation and status...has her A ended? Did you expose? Did she send a no contact letter and recommit to working on the marriage?

Great going on the STD check...it's a must and you handled it great, I think, in communicating that getting checked out is for you, your health, a natural consequence of her choice.

LA

My D-day was Oct 8. I am 99.9% sure that the A is over. She phoned him the next morning after I busted her to tell him that it was over. I wasn't there to hear it so I'm not sure how that went although twice after that (within that same week) I found out that she called him. The OM is someone near her work that she used to walk by about once a week. She assures me now that she avoids him at all costs. And to walk by him would make her sick. As far as her recommitting she has basically just been like let's not talk about it. I have been getting a lot better as far as how I'mdealing with things. I do believe that the A is over. i just have to keep using Plan A. Thanks for your help and concern.
JIm

To fully recover, I believe, takes marital counseling, transparency, examining what happened in the A, why she chose to do it, and addressing each other with honesty and openness...building a new marriage.

I can tell you that not recoverying fully, with help and focus, will lead to other affairs.

Stepping over it, getting past it...not going through it...changes nothing. Do not find yourself six months or two years from now being surprised at another affair...has happened many times here on MB...where there was an A in the past and then another one...

This isn't about the OM...this is about your WW...because the OM can be anybody, anywhere, anytime. I know. I lived that way. Not them. Me.

Have you been talking about the affair...her stuff about why she chose, what she feels...not you making her...just knowing her. What books have you read? Did you read Surviving an Affair? Torn Asunder? Boundaries in Marriage?

Recovery is tough...at first, seems like a relief from the anguish of the A...then, your anger may rise, you may experience great despair and want to LB...because you chose to stay and there seems no consequences...be mindful and aware of changing your marriage...to affair-proof it and respect it. Recovery still needs your courage, you facing your own fear and acting in spite of it...

So you can thrive and your marriage can thrive.

LA

So I should discuss why this happened with her? I thought Plan A was about not discussing it. I think I am basing a lot of her feelings and our recovery on my past. You see 12 years ago I was the WH. I know that I learned a great lesson from the mistakes that I made and all the hurt I caused others. I know that I will never do anything like that again. I am just assuming that like me, she has learned her lesson also. Right now I am in the middle of reading His Needs, Her Needs. I do think that I should try to communicate more about why she chose to do that. I just know it will just end up in an argument. Although I am much better now at handling those outbursts.

Is that how you want to live life, RB? You want to base what you do on the possible response of others?

What did you learn about being wayward 12 years ago? You learned it was totally your choice...and how many assumptions you made that got you to that choice...and making a horrible one.

Why not get rid of the assumptions, as well? Can you tell me one benefit to assuming rather than respecting...to ask to know, not to judge?

Did you share all those lessons you learned then? Did you stay open and honest for the last 12 years...sharing your perception, perspective, beliefs, thoughts, feelings? Did you stay intimate with your wife?

A lot of A's have a conflict avoider in them...either spouse...who chooses to see a lot of conflict where it isn't...and to not address conflict where it is...there is no argument without your choice of participation. There is sharing and there is refuting...I'm not asking you to demand or refute...just to know...so you can heal and she can heal, fully and well...

I bet you are great at not AOing...and have boundaries and enforcements about being abused with AOs, DJs and SDs...you have predetermined, progressive boundary enforcements...acts of love and respect.

Congrats on reading for your marriage...have you both done the EN questionnaires...the LB ones? These are the steps of recovery...

Plan A is to end the affair and learn a lot about yourself...the A is ended. Do you think your WW is through withdrawal or about through? Stay present...don't assume a thing...ask for her help...willinginess to recommit, discuss and to understand...was this a revenge A? An exit A? You won't know until you're safe to be shared with...and it won't be an argument if you're asking to know...it will, if you're really asking to change her...be sure you know the difference.

When you know why you need to know (what do you need to know to heal once you stop assuming what isn't true?)...then state why you do, what concerns you, what you fear...as yours. Use "I" statements...say this is the most excruciating pain you've ever had...if it is...and how much you realize first hand what SHE went through...and ask if it's accurate.

No assumptions...building real intimacy (not polite partnership...respectful and intimate partnership) takes you being brave and choosing to live in truth because that's who you really are and the way you want to live.

The part of Plan A where you are authentic and respectful is for life...because that's who you choose to be and how you vow to treat your marriage...the rest of no R talk would work against your marriage...doesn't mean you demand she be O&H...means you commit to BEING O&H.

LA

Did you share all those lessons you learned then? Did you stay open and honest for the last 12 years...sharing your perception, perspective, beliefs, thoughts, feelings? Did you stay intimate with your wife?
Unfortunately, no. I did whatever she wanted me to do. No questions asked, I exposed the A to whomever she wanted me to. I went to MC just like she wanted me to. Part of my problem now according to anyone who has ever talked with me, is that I am still beating myself up after all these years for what I have done. I never felt true forgiveness from my w , but I don't think I really deserve it. I never have forgiven myself. I feel that if I show that I have forgiven myself it would show her that I am not truly sorry for what I did. My IC is working with me now about that. As far as her A. I asked her if it was revenge and she told me no. I figure it's just that I haven't met her EN for a while and this happened. I am trying now to be a better husband and am working on meeting those ENs. I also know what it's like to be the WS. That's not good either. No matter how bad I felt that I disappointed others, nothing could compare with the disappointment I had with myself. I don't know, I base a lot of how I think she's feeling on how I know that I felt. I guess that isn't fair and it could be dangerous. I feel that she was just turning 40, going thru her midlife thing, she recently just got a new tattoo and wanted to still feel attractive to men. I don't know. She says it was just curiosity. I don't understand when people say it is an addiction. I never had any addiction to my OW. When I got busted (and I was actually glad and relieved when I did) I told my OW to get out of my life because I wanted my marriage. I don't understand the whole addiction thing. I'm sure my wife's A is over. I guess I would like to find out more about why she did it. Sorry, I'm rambling on and making no sense. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />