What are your indicators for knowing when your Plan A has EOL (End of Lifed)?

IOW, what is your Plan A exit (or Plan B entrance) criteria?

When you decided that you have enough and want to take yourself away from further hurting from WS's destructive behaviors.

I set the timeline of Plan A in advance.

I never go near it and the affair ended pretty quickly in June of 2005 but at the end of August, 2005 when school started I had decided I would be moving out with my dd age 5 at the time to my parents home so she could begin Kindergarten at the start of the semester in another school district.

Leaving my home wasn't a problem in our situation because OM was 750 miles away. Now FWW wouldn't have objected legally nor would she have stuck around Michigan in the then empty marital home.

We never got close to those dates but I like the idea of newbies setting a date for Plan B well in advance. It makes Plan A easier when you know it's not indefinite.

Mr. Wondering

You mean, how or when did I know I was done with plan A?

If that's what you mean, it was when my mind and heart went in sync. By the 1st Saturday in March 2001, I was done with plan A.

Since I had read up and learned a lot about plan B, I had already formulated plan B and ending plan A was easy.

The WS was still alive and making our life miserable. So plan B was necessary. Either way, plan A was done.

L.

Being a new person myself. I assume that plan A is trying to save a marriage/relationship

And plan B is knowning that relationship/marriage is over

Right?

this is what i think Jennifer harley explained to me: it's a good idea to move to plan B when you are becomming so frustrated with plan A that you might start love busting and ruin the good you have done with your plan A....otherwise plan A as long as you can

Resilient,

There are no "set" criteria....but I'll give you the ones I use to advise folks:

*The WS moves out and moves in with the OP. This is a very natural time to go into Plan B if the BS has had the time to do a good Plan A.

*The affair is so harmful to the BS that they are becoming very depressed, very angry, or losing all love for their spouse. It's almost impossible to do a good Plan A if the BS is continually crying or raging.....so I'd rather see them do a good plan B...get some peace....than a bad Plan A.

*The value of doing the Plan A no longer outweighs the damage being done to the family and marriage.

*If the Plan A has gone on longer than six months.....it's time to consider Plan B so that cake eaters aren't enabled to have their needs met on multiple fronts.

*If the BS is really good at meeting needs and stopping lovebusters....but not good at the "stick" portion of Plan A.....that's a recipe for doormatitis....and it results in loss of self esteem and desperation in BSs. These folks tend to remain in Plan A too long anyway.....and Plan B can be empowering for those folks.

If I remember any more.....I'll add later.

Oh....already remembered one more:

*If the WS is particularly cruel and heartless about rubbing the affair in the face of the BS. That kind of entitlement and meaness is better served by Plan B and does more to protect the BS and the love that might be left.

In my case, I moved to Plan B when frustration overcame my want to work things out. I realized that any respect that I had built up during my Plan A was nearly eroded back to nothing again, and I needed to end this current cycle before I did something I would regret.

I would say that I followed this part of star*fish's reasoning

*The value of doing the Plan A no longer outweighs the damage being done to the family and marriage.

The initial time that WH moved out, I was more in this state

*The WS moves out and moves in with the OP. This is a very natural time to go into Plan B if the BS has had the time to do a good Plan A.
...except my WH did not move in with OW, but he was happily moving the affair from EA to PA at this point. I didn't know of Plan B the first time he moved out, so I missed a good chance to get him to come around. Now that he's had a taste of the cake eating life, he may be trapped in it.

That's not how I understand and use plans A & B.

Plan A - self improvvement assessment and implmentation for the BS.

Plan B - If your spouse is still a WS and you are not ready for plan D, then plan B is a safe alternative. Plan B removes you from the chaos of the A because contact with the WS is either moved to a mutual 3rd party or kept to a minimum (for me I kept it to mail, $$ and child visitation).

Plan B requires your mind and heart be in sync. Pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience. Expect the WS or Xws to test your patience. Expect the WS or Xws to try and fool you into enabling the A.

Stay a step ahead. Learn tools like reverse babble to give the Ws or Xws their guilt. Own your own mistakes but do NOT absorb the guilt or mistakes of the WS. NADA!!!

Is the BS a doormat? Might feel that way but it is within the power of the BS NOT to become one.

Both plans c/b used in M recovery or not. It does not guarantee recovery it allows the BS to move forward whether or not their spouse comes back.

See personal recovery is within each person's ability. Marital recovery is dependent on both spouses being in a sane state of mind. If you have a WS in the pix, there is no recovery until the WS is...... no longer an active participant in your life and your spouse is no longer possessed.


Do I still use plan B? I still carry it around and whip it out as needed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.