I confronted my spouse about his cyber affairs. I wrote him a letter saying I can not stay in this relationship becuase of his behavior. I left the house and have not returned. That was five days ago and I have received no response. I was atleast expecting an apology or some type of remorse but there is no sign. He is just living his life as if nothing has happened. I was wondering if anyone else has dealt with this?

Why do you want a response? You made a boundary...an extreme one which didn't allow for any communication, and you enforced it immediately. Rather like, you hit and run...

Was this not a boundary enforcement? Was it a ploy to get his attention? You predicted what his response might be and chose to act to try to get it? That's manipulation, not boundaries.

What did you do first...state what you knew, that he was committing adultery, verify it independently, expose, state you wanted to save your marriage...get an MC and begin going...read books on infidelity and speak respectfully, listen and repeat...and then, when he didn't say a word that entire time...you left?

That's what MB recommends...not just writing a letter and leaving. Whoa. That's like Plan B without any Plan A at all.

And that's fine, if that's your code. I suspect, though, if it were, you wouldn't be looking for guilt, remorse or apologies...you wouldn't be looking at him at all.

LA

I've never heard of this happening before.

Do you regret your choice to write the letter and leave the house?

How long have you been married?

~ Marsh

I am not surprised at all you haven't heard from him. When you left he said "whoopee, now I have her out of my hair and can carry on my affair in peace!"

This is why leaving never works. See, your H was already detachd from you or he wouldn't be having an affair. He checked out a long time ago. So, he is not going to miss you becuase he is no longer attached to you.

All you did was give him the freedom to carry on his affair in peace, while increasing the risk of a divorce.

If you want to have a better chance to save your marriage, then go home. Go home, interfere with his affair as best you can and do a great plan A. THEN, if he won't stop his affair and you want to seperate, make HIM do the leaving.

Sometimes they are called exit affairs.

Which makes this lack of reaction a natural result of discovery.

OTOH, maybe he is bipolar, or clinically depressed, and has no emotions to speak of right now in the first place.

Have there been other than these cyberA's? Is this time just a variation on a theme?

I dont regret my decision. Weve been married for 2 yrs. The infidelity has been going on for two months and I could not stand the pain I felt any longer. I tried talking with him before the full confrontation. I would say things like I knew he was being unfaithful but I didnt submit the proof until the final confrontation. Up until then, he would continuously lie about it when I asked and wasnt changing his behavior. I guess I had hoped my choice would bring about a change in him. I left because I knew he would not change if I didnt and now Im realizing that he probably still wont. It is hard for me to accept that the one person who is supposed to love me the most actually cares so little that they can not even respond to me.

Maybe it is an exit affair. Its like he does not care at all. He had an affair before we got married and after we got married he loooked at pornography and called a sex hotline. I thought that was it and he would stop, I am such an idiot. This whole thing has been a nightmare. I dont even want to fix the marriage anymore. He makes me feel so sad.

corlea1

I'm very sorry for your situation.

Do you have family close by who can support you?

~ Marsh

"He had an affair before we got married..."

Did you know this before you married him?

Who did he have that affair with? What were his excuses? The kind of A it was, who it was with and how long it lasted is important in predicting future behavior.

Why they commit adultery almost never matters as much, regarding future behavior, as how they act during it. The better window into their soul is their conduct during the A, not their reasoning, or lack of reason.

Anyway, I think you have a bigger problem here than cyber adultery. SA maybe?

with prayers,

Well, I can understand why you would move on. This was a mistake from the start, as you can see. At least you KNEW what you were signing on for. Live and learn.

Well said.....

Thank you for all of your support, I have a few family members close but do not have a lot of support so this has been helpful.
Aphelion, to answer your question ;
Who did he have that affair with? What were his excuses?
It was a college mate and he said he did it b/c I had done so previously. He seemed very sorry at that time and I forgave. What did you mean when you said : "The kind of A it was, who it was with and how long it lasted is important in predicting future behavior."?

I am interested in understanding this more.