You could open your own personal account and move 50% of the funds from those joint accounts into that account. You could also ensure that any overdraft arrangements you have for that joint checking account are cancelled.

So he emailed me this thing about how much he loves me and how he doesn't know how we got here. He wishes I could b inside his head to see what he's thinking. He says he misses me and loves me and that I'm his best friend. I just don't know it because he has his conversations with me in his head. Which I would think not actually having the conversation with the real me is a problem. He says he knows he's messed up but he doesn't know how. Why can't he hear me?? I love him but I'm almost relieved that he's gone. I feel lk maybe this time he'll get it. But I refuse to hope or believe he will. I love him but it can't work like this. So do I ignore this email or respond?

Ignore... Don't allow him to mess with you. he knows he has screwed up big time and he knows how to "get in your head"... Protect yourself and your emotions - do this by not allowing his control over you... Thats my opinion...

Melly - How are you??? Haven't heard a word... Please give us an update. i hope your weekend was okay...

Hi Ali! Thanks for checking in. It was a ballet recital weekend so H and I have been together a lot. H says seperation is good idea but I've always kind of thought they were a way of learning to live...well seperate. And isn't that kind of the problem anyway? To top it off he plans to stay with his mom which has always been a stresser for us anyway as she despises me. And obviously many of his issues derive from her. So am I hopeful?? I was. But I'm feeling pretty down about it now. I was feeling good about it but now it feels like the beginning of the end. He did however decide against an apartment so I don't know. But how is your holiday planning going? I host my familys Christmas too but I will not be doing it with the in-laws or with H present. Just tell me it gets easier. I will only be seeing H on days off-is that good? Do you believe seperation works more often than not? My fear is we will develope our own routines and will no longer have room for eachother? Have you found that to be true for you?

Mel

I think it will be good for you to be away from your husband - his email sounded extremely manipulating.

Protect your finances and family.

It's very scarry to me that I read that email and didn't find it manipulating. A little off maybe but not manipulative. This weekend was weird to say the least. Just to have to say out loud that we are seperated is so hard but everyone says it'll get easier. My H saw my post from the first night and now of course is constantly saying you're relieved-maybe it's better if we just be done. He says it was hurtful to see that. I of course feel guilty that he feels that way but how could I not be when he still says he has feelings for OW. Which he now says that might be the wrong word as he NEVER felt anything remotely romantic for her. Is this good or should I be calling bullsh*t on that. Part of me says that's absurd but part of me understands it. He says he felt good being the one she could lean on. It just all feels like the beginning of the end.

So Ali have you started your letter yet? I haven't. There is NC between him and OW so I'm not sure what my letter should be addressing. But I hope your planning is going okay and don't let your H use your daughter against you. It's hard not to because there are very few things anyone is more sensitive about than our children but if not hosting HIS family christmas makes you a bad mother then what does leaving your daughter for a "friend" say about his parenting. He is not respecting her mother therefore not respecting his daughter. He is teaching her that men will let her down and abandon her. What kind of man wants that for his daughter?? I know things will work out for you and Mia. It seems you and I need a crash course in you-deserve-better, huh?

Hi Melly - I have not started my letter yet. Too busy to even think about it with job interviews etc...

BTW - your H is TRYING to make you feel guilty. Don't let him - if you are releived, then be relieved... Feel good about your decision, and do not let anyone make you feel any different.

About his "feelings" for OW. He wouldn't have done anything with her if there were NO feelings...

My H says he didn't leave Mia - he left ME... I told him that Mia and I are a package deal.

So sad that he doesn't see that by leaving that he really did abandon his family. Sucks so badly, but such is life I guess.

How are you doing today Melly??

So my H has committed to counseling beginning after the first of the year. And I'm glad but when do I start to feel better about the A. I know we've got a long road ahead as its only been 4 mos since last contact. He refuses to write a NC letter because he says it will only open a door he has already shut but I feel like he has left that door open by not directly communicating that their "friendship" is over. He admits to having feelings for her but won't define them. I don't know if I'll ever feel safe again. I grew up in a very disruptive unstable household and security and trust are so important to me. Does this ever come back?? Right now his A and love are one in my head. Am I wrong? Can you cheat and still love your spouse the way you always did? Doesn't this mean we jut aren't right for eachother so to speak? He has very P/A tendancies and I'm starting to notice them more often but I know not nearly as much as I should. He keeps addressing that I don't love him or like him. Which I know is a manipulative act but how do I address it without making him feel like he's right? He's very insecure and he has clearly worked very hard to recreate his relationships with his parents in our marriage. Which is something he has to work out in IC but its his anger towards his parents that hes taking out on us. I sypathize with all this but still dealimg with the A is quite another story. Does anyone have any good ideas for dealing with the kick-you-in-the-stomach thoughts that play in your head? All the times where you can't do things because it reminds you of that time? I don't want anything to do with things that they did together. The holidays were very hard because their relationship started then and they spent those days togther at work and exchanged presents. Via secret santa but still very hurtful. How do you begin to regain respect for a person who hurt you that way? These thoughts make me sick to my stomach and they just keep coming-any ideas?

Melly