Hi emoguy,

It's funny you say that in your situation, girls are more likely to 'want to be friends' - because in mine, it's just the opposite. None of the guys I know, or that I've dated, have stopped speaking with their ex's.

For me, this friend is the only 'partner' that I've ever had any follow up contact with.

But that's not the point. Yes, people should be more direct and not 'lead a person on.' I have found this to be true with guys as well as girls....they don't want to lose the feeling of being 'liked' or 'wanted'....or they did have a genuine friendship before, and don't want to have to lose that.

Some people can do it. One of my best guy friends has ex's that he speaks to on a regular basis, and it's completely plutonic. But then all of my ex relationships....I don't keep in contact with them. It's too easy for me to get emotionally drawn back in.

I guess it's up to the person to know what they can handle.

I've come to the conclusion that it's just best to ask and accept. Ask if they want to be with you....and then accept the answer. If you can be friends, great. If you can't, you can join the rest of us who have trouble with that.

JMVHO

That's OK - POJA is not always achievable in one evening or one month. It's good that you are making sure that you both are enthusiastic with the decision - that is the key. If your Taker isn't happy with the agreement, it is a bad agreement <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Just keep brainstorming - you might be surprised how some "out of the box" suggestion suddenly appeals to both of you.


Is there a middle ground? You can avoid both if you try, I think. You can negotiate to get something that you want (thus avoiding the inequality thing), but that something can be different from a tit for tat - maybe "I won't tell you about my contact with ONS, if you ask me about it whenever it bothers you instead of bottling it up", or whatever works for you. I dunno.

BTW, having been in your BF's shoes, I will reiterate that no matter what your BF says, or how he says that it is "his insecurity", I would find it extremely hurtful to have my partner maintain daily contact with a previous ONS, lover, whatever. I know it is just my POV, but I just wanted to share it. Do not underestimate how hurtful this probably is to your BF.

AGG

Must say, I agree 100%! And multiply that if you've been a victim of a WS. Honestly, I don't know that I could overcome this one if I were the other party involved.
My opinion of course, but it is how I feel.

K!

this topic is something i am still trying to resolve in my own life...

it is very hard when you have been a bs, or in my case, betrayed by multiple affairs.

case in point (and i don't think gekko would mind that i am posting this in brief... we have resolved this now, but i just want to show that i understand how sticky it can be)

a few weeks ago gekko and i ran into a similar sitch. he is still friends with a female he dated a handful of time and did have a ons with. (i call it that as it only happened once and for all intent and purposes, was a huge mistake that it happened at all). knowing it was never going to be anymore than a friendship the dating aspect stopped pretty quickly but the friendship remained.

now, as our relationship grows closer and more serious i have been dealt with whether or not i am comfy with this friendship. i have some reasons why i am not always comfy with it that i would rather not list here, but, i know one of them i can list is that her age bothers me (she is 22, he is 36) and her emotional and immaturity level and her selfishness and self centered-ness bother me. She is wishy washy and i do think she can be a user. she is not someone i would personally choose to have as a friend. BUT, is it because i am a bs that i am not comfy with the friendship that has a history? that is a fine line. once you have been betrayed i think you can be very uncomfy with friendships that maybe are totally ok friendships. AND, i can see the picture from the other side because i am still friends with a young guy i had a "fling" shall we say with when i first broke up with my ex. he is engaged now and i feel nothing more for him than friendship and have not in a long time. we knew we would never have a "relationship" and i chat with him via email a few times a month.

so.... how could i ask gekko to stop his friendship when i am friends with someone in the same context? i know my friendship does not seem to bother him in the least, but then again he was not cheated on in his marriage.i was. and i think that is why i was more uncomfortable with his friendship.

i think you have to look at all sides. my gut reaction opinion would be to cut the friendship. my gut reaction for my sitch would be for both of us to cut these friendships with history. but, upon further thought about it these last few weeks, we have decided not to do that. i cannot compare everyone to my ex, and i have decided to trust people until they give me a reason not to.

the honesty is important, def. i think it prob just makes him uncomfy, like he said, to hear about this friend. i know i am when i hear about gekkos. i can't help it, i just am. i trust him, has nothing to do with that. i just don't want to hear about her. i get what your bf is saying when he says that.

it is a tough one. i think the friendships are fine as long as a very strong bridge of trust has been built. i guarantee he will never ask you to give up this friend because he doesn't want you to resent him later for it. you have offered to but later on that little resentment is going to be there and it will get bigger and bigger. i would never ask gekko to get rid of this friend because i don't want him to resent me later for it. and vice versa for my friend. like i said, i will trust until i am given a reason not to.

sorry, huge ramblings... lol
mlhb

Weaver, you bring up a good point...about things dying naturally. I know (and knew back when we started being friends) that this is not a long term, rest of my life friendship. The only reason we decided to be friends after the ONS was because we lived close together, and both would rather go to dinner or movies together rather than alone. We were both single, and that was that.

But beyond that, we really have nothing in common - our beliefs in what relationships should be like are completely different, our beliefs about politics, religion, friendships, almost everything are different. We just don't have much in common. I guess that's why I call it a 'superficial' friendship. There's nothing of any depth to our friendship.

Perhaps that's what my BF is hoping for - a natural death. Already, the friendship has diminished. I don't see this guy as a long term friend. Don't know if you've heard the one about friends for a reason, season, or lifetime...but he is definitely a season. I think BF knows this as well....

mlhb - I think it is hard dealing with it as a BS. (Odd, though, that my BF is not a BS, but rather a WS in his former marriage) I know that there are times that I have extremely strong gut reactions when I hear that BF has spoken to a particular person. But then there are times that I do not. Part of what I am having to work on is trusting someone I care about. I completely swung the other way after my D. I would not let anyone in, because I didn't trust that someone could love me. I also didn't want to be dependent on anyone. Perhaps that's why I chose a friendship such as the one with ONS.

But now I'm changing - coming more to a middle ground. I want more from my relationships, but I'm also having to learn to trust. I told my BF the other day, trust but verify. And slowly, I am getting there....but it does take a tremendous amount of effort.

It is a tough call, trying to mediate protection, building trust, and old BS baggage in a healthy way. Particularly in a relationship.