My wife called yesterday and we were talking about her counselor visit. She said she did not like some counselors because they are negative. I said what do you mean? She said the counselor told her what her idea of a friendship is and what mine is is probably going to be different and it would not work. I told her that might be the case depending on what choices are made moving forward. I then asked her if she was still speaking to the OM and she said yes via text messages and phone but she was not physically seeing him anymore. It went down hill from there. I told her that was wrong and not acceptable. I never lost my temper during the conversation but was very even keel. She said some very hurtful things to me at that time. Like "you told me the other night that you wanted to work on the marriage and it made my skin crawl". So the end of the conversation was I would come home and get my stuff and leave and have NC with her for a while and work on the kids and having the kids 3 days 1 wek and 4 days another week. I told her I do still love her which I do but she said to stop saying that as it is a lie. What should I do???!!!!
What is interesting is I went and bought all of Dr. Harleys books and Dobsons "Love Must Be Tough Book" and was excited to read them but not sure now. Should I still read them?

Also she went to her lawyer that day but only with last years taxes as information not really knowing anything about mortgage payments or bills and the lawyer basically told her to take the house off the market and she could stay there and I would need to pay all the debt. Any recommendations?

What should I do for Christmas with the kids I don't want to be in my wifes presence right now.

Move back home. You are going to have to deal with the crap that spews out of your WW's mouth as long as she is having contact with OM. Expose today. She will be angry but it will settle down. GO BACK HOME!

[color:"red"] YES [/color]

dm,

I agree w/ Jim on this. If she wants to leave, let her, but you stay in the house for now.

You may need to contact a lawyer yourself to protect yourself from her trying to bully you into paying her way.

Also, remember that WSs always spew all kinds of hurtful things and at the time believe what they are saying, since they are living in a fantasy during an A. The hardest part is acknowledging what they are saying without letting it get to you and causing you to do something out of revenge.

When you get the books, read them. Even if things do not go well for you and your W in this, they will arm you for the future.

You must also remember that statistically, an A will end on its own within 2 years. Dr Harley suggests that a window for recovery actually exists for up to 2 years after a divorce. That is why I told you that you need to educate yourself and plan what you will do, then execute your plan instead of reacting to everything that comes from your WW. She is not going to be logical and will do whatever she can to get you to do the dirty work of getting a Dv. Just don't go there.

I'll try to check back later.

Mark

wow this is so hard. what do I say when I come back? we aren't even talking except via email. do I expose and then come back? We were supposed to go to a comedy club show Saturday with friends. Should I still go?
There is so much to read right now and keep up on my work. I am currently reading Dobsons "Love Must Be Tough". what a great book. just from pg 46 to 50 has floored me.

If she has contacted a lawyer herself then you better move very quickly to get a lawyer yourself. If a lawyer moves against you and you do not have an attorney you will be destroyed. You must protect yourself now before it is too late.

In many states you have abandoned your family by moving out. A simple request from the W to have you kept from the home can be filed as a restraining order. You must move back home with intentions of working on amriage.

Read up...don't ask for advice and not pay attention to it. Understand that getting your W to stop A, get thru withdrawal and stick with NC is the beginning...of the hard part....RECOVERY...

good luck...

I do have a lawyer. One of the best in the state. It is also not considered abondonment in this state. I am reading as much as possible. Kind of getting some conflicting information from Dobsons book and what is being said here but its really good stuff. Still nee some questions answered from my previous post though.

Give us your questions or areas of confusion.

L.

Did you ever see the movie "The Exorcist"? Think of your WW like Linda Blair (and don't be surprised if her head spins). IMO whether you tell your WW you love her or not won't make a rat's eyelash in the long run. Do what you want to do. How you act is what is important. If you want to say it, say it. Don't let your WW decide what you are going to do. Also don't believe anything vile filth that spews from her mouth. She is possessed. Everything she says is designed to provoke you.

I would read Harley's book. In the position you are in, I'm not sure I would read Dobson's yet. I have that book and it is valuable but it is not, IMO, written to help you out of the situation you are in. Harley's book, while less informative about many things, is designed to give you a road map to save your M. Some day you may want to know why WW had her A. Today is not that day. All that matters is that she had it. Think of it like an airplane in distress. Harley's book is designed to help you prevent that plane from crashing. Dobson's book helps you understand why it crashed - like air crash investigation. Dobson's book depressed the heck out of me while I was in pitched battle in Plan A. To be honest, it made me want a D. I will go back and read that book when I am stronger and things have settled down.

It is a huge mistake to move out of your house. It increases your risk of divorce and enables the affair. Don't be surprised to see the OMs car at your house pretty soon, because your leaving only leaves her wide open to pursue her affair openly. Do your clothes fit the OM?

Secondly, you can't very well work on your marriage if you aren't there. You are hoping that this will scare her and she will miss you, but you are wrong. She is too detached to miss you.

This is one of the biggest mistakes that men make. We have men on this board who had to get a court order just to get back in their own home; a home they were paying the mortgage on. We have instances of the OM moving in and taking his place.

So, don't make the mistake of moving out. There is absolutely no benefit to moving out, only harm to your position. GO HOME! Don't ask her, just go there and say "honey, I'm home." Move back into your own bedroom.

I agree with the rest. Stay at your house! Why should you have to leave? You didn't do anything wrong! Tell her that she can leave if she wants out so badly.

Don't take anything that she says to heart right now. I still can't believe some of the horrible, hurtful things I said to my BH during my A. Looking back, I think I was saying those things to drag my BH down so I wouldn't feel as bad about what I was doing. I'm not sure if that makes sense but I guess I was trying to get into arguments with him so I could continue the A without as much guilt. By saying those things and starting arguments, I was able to think to myself "see, he is a bad person so what I'm doing is okay".

Stay home and read the books. Good luck.

So this is where we are at right now. It was a mistake to have the conversation I ha with my wife on Thursday because she went to her lawyer for a consultation in anger. I called her to make arrangements with her to go over whats best for the kids at this point since she is moving with the paperwork. she is now vengeful and trying to take me for everything so I barely own an apartment. she thinks she gets alimony or maintenance until the kids are 19 and I am sure all kinds of other things. I am angry at her father who had the exact same thing happen to him with his x (my wifes mom) and now he is indirectly supporting it happening to me by making her go to a lawyer. I am reading reading reading but at this point plan A or plan B does not sem to make sense as it has gone this far and she is going thorugh with it. Any recommendations?

Duro, move back home...move back home and start Plan A

But if I go back home today. ANd she meets her lawyer on Monday and she files the divorce does it make sense?

DM, your chances of getting a D are much greater if you DON'T go home. The goal here is to save your marriage, not [censored] kissing at all costs. The latter won't help you. Your marriage can survive some temporary anger. Best to go home today.

If you want a divorce, that is fine, but your situaton is highly salvagable so I don't know why you would toss it aside so easily and not even TRY to save it. Plan A makes perfect sense in your situation if you would just listen to us.

So what? You aren't going to have a chance to fix your marriage anyway if you aren't there. Your enabling of her affair is much more likely to cause a D, than her temporary anger.

Secondly, you don't know what she is going to do on Monday. Threats of all manner are common from a WS in the throes of an affair.

If she wants to kick you out of your own house, make her work for it. Don't lay down so easy, DM, lest you really will get a divorce. Your W wants to destroy your family so your mindless cooperation makes no sense. Don't you think you should try and save your family? You need to MAN UP, my friend!

dm,

Please remember that none of this is going to magically make your WW throw herself at your feet and beg you for another chance and your forgiveness. It will not happen that way.

All of this is HARD work. It means NOT getting anything you expect or want until and unless the affair is broken and your wife has completed withdrawal. Only then can you even begin to predict what she will do or say in response to what you do. Until then, chaos, that needs to be managed and not controlled is the norm.

Mark

OK. That makes sense. So I want to mak sure I get some advice first and then move back in on Monday until I am forced to be pushed out?

So if I move back home Monday after I talk to my lawyer. Should I give any excuse to her or just say I needed some time away and am moving back in?