Please know that your exposure did not fail. Just because her family is trying to protect her at all costs does not mean it was a failure. There is usually 1-2 ppl in any given exposure who - ODDLY - view exposure as WORSE than the actual adultery. I have never been able to understand that mentality, but it does happen. Even so, it does make it a flop because it still squeezes the WS when she is expected to EXPLAIN.

But, don't ever, ever apologize for exposing an affair.

This is cool. Now what about the lovingness of exposure? I know that I am exposing to end the affair. And the affair needs to be ended because I am for marriage and it is wrong and I love my wife? Also if the person I expose this to does nothing with it then ow does the WS know that she has ben exposed?

Exposing serves to end the affair or hasten its end. Your marriage can only be saved if the affair is ended. That is a loving act. You love your wife and family and will do what it takes to end her affair for the sake of your marriage and your children. Her affair is a sick, destructive influence on your wife, your marriage and your children so you will do what it takes to kill it and stand up for your family.

If the exposure target does not tell your WW, then yes, you would tell her that you have exposed. You want to stand up and TAKE CREDIT for every exposure.

But don't even try to convince your WW of all this. Unless you believe that you could convince a falling down drunk, chronic alcoholic that taking away his bottle was an "act of love." lol <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Anyone who tries to point a finger at you for EXPSURE is only trying to DEFLECT from the REAL SOURCE FOR BLAME: THE AFFAIR!

Affairs are BAD, affairs are EVIL. Exposing AFFAIRS is NOT BAD. You are not EVER obligated to help your W conceal her sleazy affair. You are not an enabler.

Please keep this in perspective: AFFAIRS = BAD, EXPOSURE = NOT BAD.

Here is another one I just thought of as well. My mother-in-law asked what was the purposes of me calling her and exposing this to her and how this was in a loving manner. Yet I wonder if she asked her daughter the same thing when she called her and told her that I had an affair and she had an affair. What was the purpose of her calling and exposing me? I had no problem admitting it. And the question would then be asked can you end the relationship by not talking or seeing that person ever again? Absolutely. The humorous thing is that my wife could not ever not talk to her and see her again.

So I figure I have at least 3 months where I can be in this house as if anything is filed it takes 90 days. But it won't be filed immediately so I have more than that. I will try everything I can during that time. On a separate note. If my wife wants to talk about the divorce and going through the mediator and what she wants how do I work on that? Meaning that I will probably want to see it and see if it is fair or not and say it needs to be worked on or do I say no I am not looking at anything? Because if I say that she might then say OK fine we can work it out with our lawyers.

Tell her you are not interested. NO CAN DO. You will discuss repairing your marriage, you don't do divorce. If she wants a divorce, she will have to get it all on her own, WITH NO COOPERATION FROM YOU. And you will go for the house and full custody and no alimony since she is actively having an affair. If she sues you for D, you will countersue for ADULTERY and drag the OM in for a deposition.

The reason for this is to discourage her and make her think twice about getting a divorce, which buys you time until the affair dies off.

In the meantime, plan up an exposure list for drummer boy and prepare to expose him next week. Don't tell anyone you plan on doing this. Expose to his employers, his parents and anyone else you can think of.

How long ago was your affair/swinger thing?

This is a no fault state. The swinger thing happened once about 2 years ago and before that about 5 years ago.

So I have figured that my wifes EN's are probably:
Conversation
Family commitment
Sexual fulfillment
Domestic Support
Financial Support

So on the Family commitment side I can do, the financial support I do, conversation I really can't right now nor the sexual fulfillment. On the domestic support I was thinking this to help out. I wake up in the morning and take over some of the morning duties for 4 days on and 3 days off and rotate. This means I am in control of everything that needs to be done that morning for the kids or even day for the kids. As far as family commitment goes I am going to do much more with the kids during those 4 days as well as the other days. Any other ideas or should I go to another board?

DM, you should stay here to work on your Plan A. What is this 4 days on, 3 days off stuff? What is that about? You DID move home, didn't you??

While you should look for opportunities to meet her needs, you probably are not going to be able to do much more than avoid lovebusters until the affair is over. So, the first thing I would suggest is clicking on the link for the article titled "Lovebusters" and read it over and over again until you feel you fully understand it.

Where is your wife and when will she be home?

Here is the best outline of Plan A I can think of:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

I am at the house right now. All of Harleys books. I will finish SAA today. Which one do you recommend I read next?

And you are STAYING at the house FROM NOW ON, right?

I say you hit this link when you are done and start reading up on Lovebusters: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html

Then go onto His Needs, Her Needs.

OK. first I will work on plan A. I need to figure out how to help with the kids. for instance the morning routine to prepare their lunch and breakfast and get them ready for school. I am working on a letter to submit to the drum school. it is a small drum school so there is probably no HR. There might be an owner and manager. I will try to avoid Love Busters which will be hard especially with her capability to try and be vendictful and vengeful over the next few weeks. I will probably be constantly posting here for feedback.

So the wife decided to stay at her stepbrothers house tonight so I guess it will be easier for me to take care of the kids tonight.

OK. I think I found the email address of the owner for the drum place. Should I send an anonymous email or let him know it is from me?

let him know it is you- how else can you tell him you are trying to save your marriage?

None of this could be considered slanderous?

So things are not going well. I am done telling anybody about her affair. I absolutely know in my heart it was not to hurt her now. She is now being vindictive about the divorce and the kids. I am not going to pull any dirty laundry out though. She has said some very hurtful things about her mom and dad and brother verbally and via emails that I will never repeat or tell anyone as it serves no purpose. Trying to make it livable in the house and it is hard but I do love my kids and have grown much closer to them. I hug them and kiss them as much as I can everyday and try do be the best father I can for them. She has said some things to my oldest daughter that are not right but I refuse to stoop to that level. I have totally defended her to the kids and will continue to do so as I believe they need to be protected. Thanks to everybody for their help.