I have been reading and learning from these boards for the last 2 months. I figured it was time to get some sound advice from those of you who are where I'm at right now and those of you that have made it thorugh.

H (33) and I (FBS - 30) have been together for 9 years, married for 6 years. We have a DD (just turned 3 Nov 29) and a DS (will be 2 in April). WS (or maybe H, I don't quite know) is back home (we never actually seperated) but he is no longer "hanging out" anymore (now I know that he was with OW). He admitted to A on 08/29, as I had started to get suspicious and started to checking the cell phone bill, etc (he wasn't aware that I had started checking cellpphone records until after he confessed). He supposedly ended the affair on 08/30, even though he still took/made phone calls to her as a "friend" )I did inform him that I was displeased and that it was not appropriate). She couldn't understand why he had to break it off and needed closure, which he gave her on 9/07/06. To my knowledge there has been NC (no more phone calls on his personal cellphone but I have no idea about work phone or work cellphone). I think he has gone through withdrawl and may possibly still be going through it off and on. He claims he was unhappy and thought that I didn't love him and didn't care.

Right now, I am still doing Plan A and trying not to LB but it's hard when it appears that he isn't trying at all and he's the one that cheated. I never thought that I would be here. I has started to Plan A (when H started acting different) before I even knew about this site and before I ever thought about the possibility of H being a WS. It's crazy because I was convinced that he would never cheat on me (especially now that we're married) that I believed every lie and even defended him when my mom and stepdad (who picked up on the signs immediately) tried to tell me. All of his family knows and supports M and are pro-family (and know that I've had his back and know how he is). They really played a big part in getting him to see through the fog.

At this point, I need direction as I don't know what to do next. The affair appears to be over and there appears to be NC, and he is back home but that's about it. Should I continue to Plan A? When or how do I know we're in recovery? At times I feel as though he's just there to be there. I have asked him about MC and feels that there is nothing they can tell him that he doesn't already know (plus he doesn't want to spend money that we don't have). I've tried to approach him about the EN questionnaire and he is not to enthused about it but will try to get to it when he gets to it. We have discussed the A some but I have a million questions the I want to ask (probably don't need to) but don't know if I should right now (don't want him thinking about the OW). Can we talk about the relationship since I am still in Plan A (there's supposed to be no serious relstionship talk but I need to know what we're doing, where we're headed). I understand why he had the A (even though I don't agree with it) but I can''t forget it b/c I feel like if he was so unhappy and ready to leave, he should have left (even if he couldn't leave b/c of financial reasons, why come back and act as if you want to work it out and then don't try).. I would prefer he just tell me that, so that I can move on with my life. Don't get me wrong, I would hate it if that is the case b/c I do love him and and want to be with him for life but I can not be in love with someone who doesn't love me. I deserve better. If he's here for the kids, I told him that that is not a reason to stay b/c kids know when love is not real and that there's tension. I am just getting to the point where I'm getting tired and I am starting to lose my love for my H. I want him but has to want me too.

So, what do I do now????

Both of you read SAA by Dr. Harley. If you can, it is worth the money to get a phone counseling session with Dr. Harley. He really has a way of getting through to people, especially WHs. If you can't afford it, have him call the radio show at 11am CST (the link is on the website). He needs to understand why he did what he did, and what can be done to repair the marriage. You are going to have to put your own ENs on hold and slowly win him back by making enough love bank deposits to get him back in a state of romantic love. The more deposits you make, the more he will be willing to accept your deposits, and it will snowball from there. But be patient, this takes time (maybe 6 months to a year). I know he's the one who cheated and it doesn't seem fair, but this is what has to be done if you want to save your marriage. I'm one month in to recovery, and I'm extremely frustrated at how slowly it is moving along although I see progress every day.

Thank you Jim for your reply. I have been trying to find SAA in the library as things are tight right now. I guess I will have to go ahead and just purchase it. I have read a couple of other good and similar books in the meantime and I understand and agree with the issues/POV's the books discuss. The problem is trying to get WH (the person who really needs to read the books) on board. This is partly b/c he is guilty and embarrased (he feels like I'm not letting the past be in the past or that I'm trying to rub it in) and partly b/c he can not stand to read educational books (they bore him and are too much like work).

I think the phone counseling session or even calling the radio station would be great but I doubt that WH would be willing to do either, as he doesn't want to talk to anybody about it. I don't know if he thinks they will judge him or what his apprehension really is. I have tried to bring up MC or even talking to a pastor and WH has not shown any interest in this, so I have just kind of let it go for now.

At this point, I'm not sure if he really wants to repair the marriage. He says he chose me and he wouldn't be here if if he didn't want to be but I can't tell. I am trying to get back to where we were in our relationship and marriage before the kids (when there were very few LB and a lot of deposits) and it seems as if he is just happy with being back at where we were before the A, which is just to follow the routine and get through the day. I can be patient but I guess my not knowing his true feelings or intentions, is taking its toll. My mind is racing with a thousand what if's a minute and some of those tell me what if here's back just until he can save up enough money to leave or what if he is just here for the kids, etc. I know I need to stop questioning the reaseon he is back and just concentrate on the fact that he is back and go from there. I guess I am scared that my loving affectionate H is gone and will never return.

Good luck on your recovery and thanks for the support.