My long time boyfriend had an ‘affair’. In the Living Together forum, there was a response to another post,
"you aren’t married, there are no kids, just walk away" Get a relationship “untainted by poison of infidelity. When I came to this site, I heard hope that things could be better than before if two people work at it. And I have always been a hopeful and determined person. We’ve lived together for 11 yrs., known each other for 14. We are 38. I’m invested in this even without marriage. We were each other’s family. Betrayal still hurts and relationships still matter even without marriage. And long term relationships take work, like marriage. So, here’s my story.
We decided last August to move to a different state. He got a new job. I was going to work until end of year, then move in Feb. which I did. We both have professional, successful careers. I met a friend prior to our decision to move who kind of “tapped me on the shoulder” and made me think about why I was always so stressed, what I was doing with my life just my asking me simple questions that I found myself contemplating. This led to me doing spiritual reading, writing down my sleeping dreams and trying to figure out a ‘life purpose.’ It was an exciting and confusing time for me. When I moved, I wanted to arrive and feel totally reassured that I was in the right place, that all my life- thinking didn’t mean I was with the wrong person. Unfortunately, being 2 fairly non-communicative people and having grown up in those environments, I pushed by boyfriend away. I know this isn’t my fault but I wasn’t the best girlfriend at the time. I was waiting for reassurance that he had no reason to think I needed. We had been apart for 7 months, I quit my job, and moved to a place he had already been living. I was asked to work from home for the same company so was adjusting to being confined all day with occasional trips to the gym. There was so much adjustment and confusion, I didn’t recognize what was happening. After 12 years, you take for granted that the relationship can just take everything- married or not. I believed every word he said to me.
In May it turns out he flirted with a girl at happy hour from work, and started talking to her every day on cell phone. In June, they kissed. In July, he told me that we weren’t going anywhere and that we should break up. Just proclaimed, no discussion about what was wrong. So, I opened up with all my confusion, that we had gotten disconnected and needed to focus on us before giving up. He asked me to leave so he could think. I went away for 2 months. His rule we didn’t talk for the first couple weeks, then talked periodically. I knew it was a bad idea because the last thing our relationship needed was less connection and less meeting of needs. Turns out he was sleeping with OW in July, went camping with her and his best friend’s family the weekend before I left. Was at her house, the night he told me he needed to think and I stayed up all night thinking he was dead on the side of the road somewhere. The night I realized he was really my family and how could I have doubted I loved him like that.
I came back in early Oct. We didn’t talk about what he thought. I didn’t want to pressure him. Thought he had been busy with work. I went on a business trip, came back and he told me nothing had changed that I should leave. I said, ‘of course, nothing’s changed’- your version of trying to work out the relationship is you thinking by yourself, we’ve taken no action. He kept saying a relationship should be easy. I didn’t leave then, a couple weeks later he asked me to stay at my mother’s after Thanksgiving and that we would deal with separating our things another time. I was frustrated at another proclamation without talking so didn’t agree- it would have driven me insane. I had left a note that we would pack together and if he really felt that was the right thing I would leave but that I wanted us also to talk about our feelings. I had been writing in a journal and was being very open since July.
I noticed a repeated # on the cell phone bill. Nov. 26- OW calls the house; she is out front. Thought it was over with me for a few months now and I was never supposed to find out. He had ‘checked out’ and in his mind it was over. Each day I learned more unbelievable things. He ate Thanksgiving with her family (she has 2 kids). Introduced her to his sister and mother when they know I am still living here. He said he seriously contemplated our 12 yr. relationship while he was talking to her everyday and sleeping with her. I read to him “how affairs start’’ from MB. In all this, he read my journal, he listened to my info. on affairs, he never helped me pack. He finally admitted what happened was textbook. I started counseling the day after I found out. He started today. And said we will go together- maybe just to understand what happened, to get some resolution. So, like those who are married, I feel the betrayal, deceit, manipulation, thoughtlessness, violation of our memories.
Some hours I think finally all of our unspoken insecurities are coming out and have “blind hope”- like I had when I went away for 2 months so 'he could think'. Other hours I think I must be crazy to be here still.
He ended it with her, when he told me and her that he realized he had some issues he needed to work out. He is now very specific about where he is going and when he’ll be back (without me even asking), he’s answered all my questions, but he just told me that he would probably tell her about the counselor because she cares how he is doing. I told him it needs to be between us, it’s private. He hasn’t said he wants to work on our relationship, but told me to hold on packing more and that we would go to counseling to get resolution one way or the other. How long do I wait for him to decide to actively work on it with me? Am I just suppose to give him time to sort out how he feels? What if all he remembers is that it wasn't that great when all this started- I agree it wasn't?
Thanks for listening and any comments.
