Hi,

I am engaged to a man that I really love. However, we have a problem that may have a terrible affect on our marriage.

The problem is sex. My fiancee only wants to have sex about once a month. He also seems to feel threatened when I initiate sex (I've been rejected a few times), so he always has to be the aggressor.

I have asked him many times if this has anything to do with me, or if he no longer finds me attractive, and he vehemently denies it. He always acknowledges that this is a problem, and listens. He also usually implements sex after we talk, so that's great. I appreciate that he listens to me and tries to fix the problem. But the problem never stays fixed long!!

This causes 2 problems in our relationship that don't seem major now but may get worse.

1. I feel like he doesn't find me sexually attractive. It makes me doubt his love for me and I feel threatened around women I know he would be attracted to. I keep thinking "If I were taller, or prettier, would we be having this problem?"

2. My sexual needs aren't being met. Right now he's doing such a good job at meeting my other needs that it's not a big problem, but it could get worse. I have found myself fantasizing about other men, and once or twice I've had sexual dreams about other men! I was married before and I know how devastating infidelity can be, so this worries me.

I'm a pretty girl with a nice figure. When we were first dating my fiancee did mention that he's usually attracted to taller girls (I'm 5"5), so I wonder if that's the problem. But he pursued me based solely on my looks, so I know he finds me attractive. I exercise a lot and try to look my best. I'm not a model, but I am attractive. However, there are pretty girls everywhere, so I don't think that that's going to help me keep a husband.

We've gone through stages in our relationship where the sex has been steady and great.

What should I do? I am tempted to end the engagement, but even thinking of doing that makes me sad. I would be giving up someone I love who has changed so much for the better. He is funny, affectionate and cute. He does his share of the housework and apologizes when he acts like and idiot. Is a problem like this fixable? Even with all of his attributes, I worry that after 10 years of no sex, I would be forced to leave or have an affair.

I haven't told him I'm thinking of ending our engagement over this. That seems like a threat. Please help me with this. I come from a family of divorce and think that it can be devastating. I've already got one divorce behind me and want to do the right thing. One problem is that he seems to feel guilty about sex and has all sorts of rules about it. When we were first dating, he told me that he didn't like my overt sexuality, which was weird because at that time HE was the one initiating sex and wanting it ALL the time and I was more into the cerebral aspect of our relationship.

I just don't know what to do. We've been talking about this problem for over a year now. I know I'm contributing to this problem, but have no idea how to fix it. I don't have any close girlfriends in the city we live in and would be too ashamed to talk about this anyway.

Never be ashamed because you have a problem. You'd be suprised to find out how many have the same problem. I went through a stage in my marriage where my h told me I "wasn't doing it God's way". I still haven't figured that one out. All I wanted was for us to get close to each other emotionally and then have sex. I found out later that he had low testosterone and the shots the doc gave him for a short while helped some. But all the cutting he did in the wait and his attitude for having to get a shot killed my drive. That made it hard for me and I never could get it back before we split. (Dr. H told me I was better off w/o him because he refused to work on the poja and kept putting his daughter, parents, and his job in front of me in out relationship and Dr. H said no relationship would last under those circumstances)

You said he doesn't like your overt sexuality. Just what is it that he doesn't like? I know that my previous boyfriend kept trying to push romance novel sex on me without trying to build the rest of the relationship up to a romance novel level. And that just wouldn't work. He said I wasn't "sensual" in the way he liked it. Well I didn't go around half naked wearing just an apron the way he liked it or sticking my rear in his face all the time the way he liked it and I didn't go around telling everyone about our sex life the way he did with the guys at work and his buddies in the bike gang; but that didn't mean I wasn't sensual. I just prefer to take time to get close to each other, cherish each other's bodies for what they are, take it slow and enjoy the moment, letting the passion build to a level where it is good for both of us instead of having him jump my bones with a wham-bam-thank-u-mam and them have him roll over and konk out.
Of cours he could have some hidden issues to deal with from his past somewhere, so counseling could be an option. It also might help him spit out whatever it is that's bugging him. He might not feel totally comfortabe telling you because he might feel like a failure if he did. There's all kinds of things it could be. The possibilities are endless.
I'd talk to a good counselor before I made any decisions on any of it. Sometimes they can help you see things you couldn't see on your owm.

Good Luck!
RMW

Hi RMW. Thanks for your reply.

I talked to my fiancee about this yesterday morning, and he said that the main problem is that he gets into the routine of daily life and forgets about sex. He said that when he gets back from a trip (he travels a lot), he feels romantic (we always have sex right away), and then real life takes over.

He also said that he wouldn't mind if I initiated. So that was a good convo. We always have good conversations about this sort of thing, though. We will wait and see how things actually change.