5 weeks ago through my own suspicions and questioning, my wife admitted to having a one night affair. When I found out she was one week away from coming home from a 6 week school in another state. She said that she had to much to drink and doesn't remember most of it, but has told me the details she remembers. She said she only slept with him the one time, although she went to two more gatherings at his house after that night. She also says that this has never happened before, and she doesn't know why she did it. I want to believe her, I really do, but I don't know how I can. I need to know why, and she can't tell me.

We have been together for 16 years and I never in my life thought this would happen to us. We are very close and compatible, both in everyday life and in love. We like to do the same things and have the same dreams. Since day one I have always seen my life and future with her in it. Everything I did was for her. Now all I feel is hurt, pain, and anger. I want it to all go away, but I feel that the last 16 years are lost, and I don't know what to do. I no longer see a happy future when I look at her. All I see is her with some other man.

With children in the house I hide my anger which turns to depression when I'm home alone. Some days the depression is worse then others, but I feel pain every day. I don't trust her right now and don't know that I ever will.

We did not separate nor is that something we have even discussed. We still sleep in the same bed and have returned to our normal activities. We are both very family oriented and will not do anything that would put our childrens wellfare at jeopardy. For the most part, everything would appear as normal as it has ever been. We talk about everything and find time to be alone so we can discuss our feelings.

I guess it comes down to not knowing why she did it, and her not being able to tell me. I feel there is a missing piece of the puzzle and until I find it, I can't move on to address the other issues.

Is she remorseful? Has she assured you that this will never happen again? Of course, if she doesn't know why it happened, how can she assure you that it will not happen again? Is she still involved in any way with the OM, like through e-mail, for example?

Geo...

I'm out of time this AM. Your post frightens me. Things don't just go back to normal. Wives generally dont just 'cheat', that is really much more likely for men to do. I would put up every alert you have... I would bet contact is going on still, via cell phone or email. Things are not what they apear for you, I promise. There is a whole different world in your life happening, of which you have no idea. It really sucks being in the dark, time to expose it to the light of day. Take full control of your house. Define up front your boundaries, and enforce them.

-hang in there

Bendove49, She has shown some remorse but I can't get past her not having a good reason for it. Other then having to much to drink. There are two times in our life together that she has been drunk enough to not remember what she did. this is supposedly one of them. I can't tell for sure if she is still in contact with the OM. Her main e-mail is through work not here at home, so I can't check that. I know that the OM is married, younger, and 800 miles away.

RookKev, Now you frighten me. I'm known to be nieve (the nice guy) and generally trust everybody unless I'm given a reason not to. I just never thought I would ever have a reason not to trust her. I can check the cell phone, but like I said above, not the email.

Thanks

GEODAD, Check out this collection of resources for betrayed spouses new to MB. I bumped it also in case it helped. Make a pot of a coffee and read. It will help you understand about where you find yourself - a member of the best club in the world for people who don't want to be members.

New BS toolkit

It contains some of the bundled knowledge of the wiset and most caring people in the world regarding recovering from infidelity. I hope it helps to guide your moves. and keep posting.


I'll be back when you've read to addess any questions.

I agree with RK, you haven't scratched the surface yet,mate, sorry. Good news is you can build a GREAT marriage if you use MB and with a fair wind !

All blessings.

Thanks, I have been reading the articles on this site for a couple days now and have printed off many of them to read again as well as hopefully get my wife to read. I know there is much more out there to read yet, but I just now have gotten comfortable enough to post. This is the first time I haved talked or written about what has happened. I'm scared and feeling alone. For the first time in my life I'm feeling the need for counceling. I've just never been comfortable with talking to anyone, until I met my wife. And I hate that I feel I need another outlet now.

I will keep reading, I'm just glad this site exists.

Geo,

You are not alone. 50% is the statistics of marraiges that suffer from infidelity. So, look to your left and look to your right, odds are, one of those people had this happen to them. That is really sad.

I'm pretty much a straight shooter in this forum. I call a duck a duck. When I hear a WS flame, I let them know...and in your case, I'm telling you, you better get access to her work email. There should be nothing in her life that you don't have access to. (oh, and she might have a cell phone that you don't even know about). And I'm sure OM's wife would like to know that her husband slept with your wife. That is a big big big big BIG helping hand that you can give yourself in being sure that the affair gets shut down.

-hang in there

I'm just glad this site exists.

When I found this site 3 days after d-day I never dreamed that it would save my life and rescue my marriage one day. It did.

Read on, friend. I'll help if I can get a word in between RKs copious posting .



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Geo:

Welcome to MB. We are both here due to difficult circumstnaces, but from opposite sides of the fence.

bOb's story can make you hair curl. AND he got through it. HE's amazing.

I want you to go buy His Needs, Her Needs (HNHN) from this Website, Today. Also buy Surviving an Affair (SAA) from this site. Both will make a world of difference for you.

And then I want to to take inventory in your Marriage.

This inventory will tell you what kind of woman you are married too. (HNHN will help alot here)

You wife was drunk, and was away from home for 6 weeks. She can not remember all that happened. Some of this lack of remembering may be due to the alcohol, or her embrassment of what happened, or it could be she can't remember. And she could have even been raped. Just a thought.

Does you W stike you as a woman who could have had an A? Have you felt close enough to her for the past 10 years to say yes or no?

Your W had a one night stand, it sounds like. It could have been more. So the problems in your M can be addressed.

As for why it happened? HNHN will start you in the direction to answering that question. Your WW may not really know why it happened. Is she that self-aware?

What answer would you accept?

IF she did know the real reason she was open to this man's advances, how would you take that honest anwser? It could be painful to hear. Would you be willing to actually address it?

Waywards can spout alot of "fogspeak" and drivel. But sometimes you do have to listen, and they will tell you what was wrong pre-A that may need to be addressed. No, the A isn't your fault. Thats her decision. She will carry that to her grave, just like me. But the state of your M prior to this business trip was both of yours.

RookKev is being rather blunt here. Your W may be in the clutches of more than a ONS. I do not think so. But nothing wrong with making sure, and RK has provided good advice on that.

So back to the inventory.

How much time did you two spend together each week prior to the Business Trip. No kids, no distractions.
How much interation did you have with the children on a daily basis?
How much traveling did you do for work? How did she feel about this?
How much traveling did she do for work, and how did you feel about this?
How often did you make love (SF, around here)?
Was the SF passionate, tender, or grudging? How about for her?
How often did you argue? Did she want to do more? Did you?

Do you see? Write them down. Start answering them. Add more as you see fit.

Affairs happen in Marriages. Sometimes they happen because the WS is truly hardwired for them. (I think I am) And sometimes they happen due to the diligent work of the OP to attract the WS into the A. And sometimes, when defenses are down, "they just happen" I am not mimimizing the hurt and pain of affairs. By no means, just trying to help you understand where your WS's A is in the continum.

And remember, around here the F for "formally" is earned. Not given. Your Wife is a WW until she earns her F. The best part is you get to pin it on her.

Last night we sat and talked for a couple hours uninterrupted, and I think we may be making some headway in getting my question of WHY answered. Your questions were very helpful in this. I only went into a couple questions because I didn't want to overwhelm either of us. I ordered the books and can't wait until they get here.

So a little history here:

Two years ago we both had a career change that put me at home (except for 4 or 5 days in the office per month) and put the WW as the working parent. We realized years ago that I was much happier at home and she was happier at work, so all in all seemed to be a good compromise.

Flash to last 6 months.... Me and kids spent summer in another state. While there WW and I were only together for weekends and never without the kids. When I got back for the kids to go to school, I was asked to work full time for 6 weeks, which put me in the office M-F 8-5. So for a period of 4 months before she left, we only seen each other when we were "running". And neither of us can remember the last time we took time off for ourselves.

While she was gone I can remember feeling extremely jealous everytime she talked about going out with friends, even if it was just to the store. With us being somewhat unintentionally separated for months, I now understand why I was feeling that way and am ashamed for how I was acting on phone. This does not in any way make what WW did acceptable. But I do understand now why she went out and got drunk in the first place. At least part of what led up to the ONS seems to stem from some unresolved traumatic issues before we were married, and WW says she will seek counseling for this.

We are going to mutually seek MC and are both working on the ENQ. Now we are just going to slow things down until we can both read SAA and HNHN.

She has assured me there is no more contact and am doing a little PI work myself. I never had a reason not to trust her until now, but I'm taking it at face value and will press on.

Thank you

I am optimistic for your marriage, mainly because she confessed - that is somewhat unusual.

Both of you need to go to MC, to work this out. It is completely miserable when you first find out, but with work, you can make your marriage stronger than before.