D-Day for me was November 4, 2006. We have been married for 22 years and friends for 25. It's been just over 1 month now since I discovered my wife's affair with our best friend. His family has been our closest friends-they have 3 girls we have 2. All kids grew up together, as couples we have traveled together, he and I train for and run marathons together. He was my best friend and I to him. This is a mess on so many levels that the advice I have been reading leaves me with more questions than answers. Everything I have read indicates that two things that must happen are immediate exposure and a lifetime commitment to cutoff any contact with the OP. How can that be possible given the 18 year relationship? I have purchased Dr. Harley's book "his needs, her needs" and it has been my greatest strength and source of hope. Just as all information points, we were not nurturing our relationship, and we haven't been successful at meeting each other's emotional needs. But that must be delt with later. Right now I have exposed this affair to only one person. a mutual female friend of my wife's and mine whom we both greatly respect. Otherwise nobody knows, and I don't know how to make it public. I do not even know how much his wife knows. My biggest regret is that I did not contact her immediately. I do not want to seem vindictive, but I feel that for this to really begin to end she must know, and must be my ally. My fear is that she will leave him, and that will leave the door open to my wife who is in "the fog" as it has been described, and is in no position to make rational thoughts. I have almost convinced myself today however to contact his wife. I think it is the only way, but I desperately need some input. The family friend element to this complicates it on so many levels. I said when this all began it would have been much easier if it had just been some random person. But this is a nightmare that I live every single day, and I can't find any hope r resolution.

help please

O.K it is time for a 2 by 4. Are you out of your mind? How could you not have told the OM's wife by now? If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you have expected simply out of respect to you that she would have informed you?

The message that you have given to this OM is that apparently it is acceptable for him to continue to have sex with your wife behind your back and that there will be no consequences to his actions. The message is that he has nothing to fear from anyone exposing this to his wife because you the husband of the wife he is screwing is being too much of a doormat and is fearful of coming across as being a bit too vincictive? What is wrong with this picture?

Open your damn eyes. You need the OM's wife as a person to help stop this affair. The message again that you are giving to your wife and your so-called OM friend is that they have nothing to fear which is why you continued to catch them calling each other recently. Stop being so afraid and start being proactive. If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would be so passive and accepting as you? Enough is Enough! It is time to expose TODAY!

Thanks for the 2 X 4. It's been 4 weeks, and I'm finally coming to the realization that in order for me to regain any sanity in the nightmare I do have to be proactive. Even the thought of being proactive has made me feel better. Thanks for the straighforward advice. But you have to admit that this family friends element has really created a huge mess. It would have been much more simple with a random person.

The call has been made to the OM's Wife. I just made it 15 minutes ago. Waiting to hear back from her. Then I'll know how much she does or does not know. That is guilt I'm carrying around too. That I've been so preoccupied with my situation, I have left her out. There is NO road map for this I'm finding out

Congratulations. You have done the right thing. I hope I was not too harsh but this really needed to be said to you. Secrecy is what fuels affairs. No consequences to their actions equals no motivation to change. Let us know how much the OM's wife knows and what she is going to do to help stop all of this. I wish you luck.

Secrecy is what fuels affairs.

I agree completely!!!! You did the right thing!!!!!
Have trust in yourself, no matter how bad you might feel at the moment.
bb

I met with her tonight. Provided the information I had that verified the affair and she agreed to leave me out of the conversation with her husband. I suggested that she access his cell phone records. I provided my wife's for her, and she did. I thank you all for your support in this matter. I pray I did the right thing. I cried all the way home after our meeting. I'm just so afraid that this will give my wife and him more to lean on each other for. This may sound strange, but since our families have been friends for 18 years, he actually called me immediately when his wife indicated she knew...he left a voice mail for me informing me that he just wanted to let me know that she knew. Is this completely messed up or what? I have said more than once I feel as if I am on a Jerry Springer episode. I don't want to sound full of myself, but I have said to him and my wife that this kind of thing should not be happening to people like us. Three of us have Masters degrees, and the OM is a Doctor for God's sake. How does my highly intelligent wife go down this road? With my best frined who is one of the most intelligent and astute people I know.

Thanks to all. For my situation this was the best thing I could have done. The A was exposed to the OP's wife Friday night, and yesterday and today have been the two most peaceful days I have had since D-Day November 4th. WE are all family friends which adds a layer to this that may be unusual, but I actually sat in the car with the OM when he called my wife for the last time to begin the No Contact phase. In just one day my wife has been better towards me than in months and months previously. Last night she even agreed with my recommendation about her NOT telling a certain person. It has been a long time since she valued my opinion about anything. And today, she actually raised her voice a bit to me as she was trying to explain something to me. It was music to my ears. You may ask, how could that be? Well it shows me that she cares enough to be a little bit aggravated with me. It's a ****** of a lot better that being ignored!

I cannot speak for every situation, but in mine my only regret is that I did not reveal this to the OM's wife 4 weeks ago. I would have had peace much sooner. We still have a long way to go, but this sets the environment for change.

My advice is simple. When the OP is involved in ANY way no change is possible. The OP is like a cancer...clearly for my wife an addiction. And until it was surgically removed I was never going to get a chance to see my true wife. She was going to continue in the fantasy world, grasping at straws and ignoring her family.