This is a follow-up to my first post. I have been reading numerous posts on the topic of informing the OP's W. Since she is a close friend of mine for 18 years, does that give me more incentive to call her? I really feel that we can become allys in this. I also am leaning towards asking her NOT to make it public that I told her. Based on the mutual respect and our friendship I am confident that she will respect my request. Am I foolish for thinking this?

Help??? Does the family friend element make a difference??

Go ahead, expose the affair to the OM's wife. The sooner the better. Don't worry about anyone getting mad. Also, if he was your friend, he wouldn't be having an affair with your wife. Does your WW know that you know? How did you find out?

Yes, she knows I know, he knows that I know. He and I have had a few conversations. My wife is in the fog, so she seems unrepentent to me. I know she is broken up over the entire mess this has created for our families. But if this blows up in my face and the OP's wife is not willing to work with me, and not willing to fix her relationship with the man who cheated with my wife, then my fear is that it would simply give my wife and him the opportunity to continue this in spite of all the damage to the kids that it would cause.

I found out by innocently stumbling across cell phone text messages. her phone was on vibrate next to our bed, and she was aslep and didn't answer...I thought it might be from our oldest daughter who was not home yet, and turns out it was from him...along with 50 other messages. Then my investigative work began and I exposed the entire sordid mess

So what was the OM's reaction? Is he willing to end the affair with your WW? If not, do not threaten exposure as it will give hin time to tell his wife a completely different story. Others here are far better at giving advice than myself, but from what I can see, expose the affair. How can things be worse? Is your wife still deep in the affair, or has contact stopped. NC is a must, good friends or not, however, don't see how the "good friend" description applies here.

He knows it must stop, but I'm not convinced he or she wants it to at this point. they are too deep in "the fog." I guess I do not see how things could be any worse. she may have some idea. He tells me she is in counseling, but I do not know if it is as a result of knowing about the affair. My wife and I are seeking seperate counseling. She is unwilling at this point to go through marriage counseling with me. Whe also refused about 6-7 years ago at my urging. Another huge regret on my part. As far as contact...unfortunately NO it has not stoped. I know there are phone calls, but in the guise of the "friendship" that they once had. Afterall it was common before this crossed the line for them to speak to one another, so in her mind and his, that talk is okay. It's hard for me to convince her otherwise...I then turn into the
bad guy."

as it turns out he was NOT a good friend. I've said that I wouldn't have done this to someone I hated.

I assume surely you have finallly contacted the OM's wife. What has been her reaction?

I placed my first call to her about 15 minutes ago and left a voicemail at her work. I'm in panic mode right now because I do not know if I'm doing the right thing. If you read my posts you know that The OM and his wife have been family "friends" for 18 years. Our daughters are all friends, and we have traveled as facmilies and couples together, and then this began between my wife and him. So I am personally attached to the OM's wife. I still am unsure how it will go. I'm so committed to saving my own marraige and putting into practice the steps laid out in the book "his needs, her needs" that I would be devastated if this backfired on me by driving the OM and his wife away from one another which might open up the door for my wife and him. He has admitted however that none of the kids involved could EVER accept the situation. His daughters would despise my wife and my daughters would hate him for destroying their own father. Still...my wife and he are still having some communication even though it has dropped off significantly. But becuase we have always been "frinds" the communication seems normal to her...she is in the fog that she crossed the line with him therefore making any contact at this point unacceptable.

do you see my situation???? What do I do?

You expose to all those who can assist in ending the A, starting with the OP's W. Yes, there would be a lot of anger, etc., but that is the *point* - to break this "fantasy" without consequences that's happening between your W and the OM.

On the flip side, consider what your friend would think of *you* if you chose not to expose, and she found out months later that you knew what was going on but chose not to tell her anything?

I know exactly how you feel! I found out this past June. However I did not find this forum until 2 months later so did not know about the recommended steps to take. I did not tell the OW husband. I thought I was being "noble" by not disclosing.

But after reading Dr. Harley's books SAA, HNHN, and LB I realized I should have disclosed. And though I started Plan A I also began the the "what ifs" you are going through. I was terrified if her husband found out, he'd throw her out and that would open the door for the affair to flourish. I also did not want to appear vindictive. So I still did not disclosed.

So in the mean time, I lived with the burden of the stress alone. Neither WH or OW seemed to be suffering, but I sure was! I finally realized, I was the victim here and by not telling the OW husband, I was continuing to be the victim of an ongoing affair... if fact by not telling I was victimizing myself!

So I decided it was time to take charge of my life. I asked my husband to move out (which scared me to death, but it was a risk I knew I had to take), next I bought him out of our house (which shocked him!), then I began redecorating and remodeling part of the house (which depressed and angered him), and to improve my finances I researched all our financial arrangements and utilities and made more advantageous choices (which amazed him). All this began restoring my sense of security.

Next I started contacting friends I'd lost touch with, became more active in my church, and started taking line dancing classes. By doing all this, I really began feeling much better about myself and eventually it gave me the strength and confidence to know I finally needed to tell the OW husband.

It DID NOT go well...however it was still the best thing I did. Her husband was furious and as I feared threw her out and almost immediately filed for a legal separation and plans to divorce her. My husband was furious too and accused me of being vindictive as I knew he would. He stopped speaking to me altogether.

Now I was sure the affair would grow into something more substantial. But that's not what happened. Instead it started fizzling rapidly. The fantasy was over! Our friends and family knew. Because the OW worked with my husband I made sure people at his office knew. I think this made things very uncomfortable for both of them. Shortly there after she chose to get another job. He even wrote her a glowing recommendation to help her get the job even though it would mean she'd be moving away from the area. And if my sources are correct, they have not seen or spoken to each other since mid-October.

I went into a 90% no contact mode (not 100% because we have children). I've always stayed cordial and friendly in a distant way and about 2 weeks ago his behavior changed. He sent me flowers for what would have been our 8th anniversary, he asked me to spend Thanksgiving with him and his family (but I declined since I'd already made plans to spend it with some friends), and a few days ago he asked me out on a date.

So the point of this long message is... Like you I was terrified to do the full disclosure. And I can tell you right afterwards, when sparks were flying (and I was throwing up in fear), I was certain he would never get over it and forgive me. But I also realized, if my love was strong enough to forgive him the affair... then his needed to be strong enough to understand and "forgive" me the disclosure. If it wasn't then, it wasn't worth trying to hang on to the marriage.

Of course nothing is resolved yet and the marraige still may not make it, but I know I did the right thing. And if his recent change in attitude is any indication, there might be hope for us still.

Know our thoughts and prayers are with you.

Seeking peace...that was very nice of you to take the time to help me feel better. I do, and I'm beginning to see the benefits to gaining some control back. Most of the turmoil in my life over this has been my lack of control. This is really one of the first things I have done since Nov. 4th that is proactive. It makes me feel better, but only time will tell if it will work. The one thing I have in my favor is that the OM and his wife are 18 year family friends with us. I know the word "friend" should not be applied to someone who would do this to me and my family, but there is no denying the positive impact each family has had on the other up until my wife and he decided to go down this road. So, as odd as it may sound, I know deep down inside that the OM does care deeply for me and my family in spite of his behavior and my wife's behavior. I have learned from Dr. Harley that these two people before me now are posessed. My wife is unrecognizable to me (and to the one other mutual friend of ours whom I have told-this person is absolutely aghast at my wife's behavior-telling this person so she could talk to my wife has been the best thing I have done. She can be trusted, and she is NOT going to be sympathetic to my wife in the least eventhough she loves her-she does not tolerate breakdowns in character very well-just the type of person I need in my wife's ear-tough love type person)I realize that my real wife is inside somewhere, and I have to help her come back. For now however the deposit I am making into our love bank is to give her space and not discuss us. That does not mean I am not monitoring her...I am. The OM who was my best friend is unrecognizable...It's frightning to me that since I am human too that I could become what they are. I suppose it is within all of us. But I do know this...I have had opportunity to cheat...not like this...an extended affair, but one night stands....and I NEVER gave into the temptation.