Hello everybody,

I haven't posted much here but I've been reading a lot for weeks.

My DDay was early 11/06. We established a reluctant NC agreement by mid 11/06, mostly because the OM is no longer interested, not by any choice of my WW. I am far from certain that NC is being maintained. Things are very slowly getting better though. We're about two weeks into withdrawal. I'm trying to not press too hard during this time and just let her grieve for her loss of OM, but it is obviously very hard. I alternate between excitement and enthusiasm as I feel that my eyes are now open to how to make a M successful and "better than before" and then deep depression when I realize that my WW is not on board with any sort of recovery program.

I am basically still in Plan A. Plan A is usually described as steps to end the A and establish NC. But does anyone else find themselves in Plan A even AFTER NC is established? I feel I may be in Plan A for a while just to get to the point where she sees a reason to actively participate in MC and a recovery program. Or am I just not being assertive enough in asking for what I need from her to do my own healing? I am trying so hard to focus on her healing right now and keep my own pain from turning into LBs for her, but I am dying inside for some understanding from her as to what I'm going through.

Given that it's only 2 weeks into NC and withdrawal, I know this is very early in the healing process. I can keep the Taker at bay for much longer, but at what point do you think I should expect her to agree that even if she doesn't feel love for me right now, it's STILL a good idea to work on the M, because feelings can and do change?

NS

NS, sounds to me like you don't have Dr. Harley's Surviving An Affair. If, in fact, you don't have that book, get it as soon as you can. In the meantime, use the "Most Popular Links" menu to read everything you can on Plan A.

Also, your words say you're a little bit lost right now. You might not know where you stand, and you're a little hazy on what to do next? Dr. Harley's book is the best source on setting up a plan to recover your marriage, period. However, you might look at a thread on "Just Found Out" on how to set up a plan for recovery. Click on the link below and see if it helps you any.

Also, you need to know whether the adultery is over or not. I'd recommend the link below on surveilling her to find out for sure. Remember...recovery, marital counseling, etc., etc., cannot even begin until the obscenity of this adultery is finished and true NC is established. Do NOT take your WW's word for NC. If you want a cute little catch phrase, "trust...but verify."

Hang in there NS. You've made only the first steps down a long road but you can do it. Others out here have, and you can too.

Thanks Longhorn,

I do have SAA. I'll read through it again. I just need to come to terms with the fact that Plan A is not just about ending the A. In my case, the A is over, but I still will likely need to Plan A to get WW to the point where she is even willing to work on the M. That's all the more frustrating because you as the BS see the road to recovery right there in front of you, but WS doesn't want to go down that road. I'll just take it day by day, and maybe WW will surprise me. What I'm probably forgetting is that she's afraid of making herself vulnerable to me again as well, so I need to invest the time to convince her that it's a safe thing to do.

NS

Read the book again, pardner. You can't "lead" her down that road. Plan A isn't about WW; it's about improving you and your self-image...making yourself better and keeping you busy while she gets her act together.

Check out the links and I think you'll see where I'm coming from. Good luck and Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Hi NS- I remember when I was at the point where you are now- it seems very disheartening and I'm sure you're feeling like the effort you're putting forth isn't even being acknowledged. I know when my WH was finally once and fo all in no contact even the first 6 wks he said he was 'waiting to see if his feelings for me came back.' It was torturous. I felt like I was in a psych experiment! But eventually he gradually came more and more out of the fog. I found that doing a Lite Plan A worked best- and try hard not to press too soon for signs of phsyical intimacy on her part- I know its hard when you've been waiting so long. Take care- lifeismessy

NS,
Sorry you find yourself here.
You are in the very eary stages of recovery, IF, and only IF, your WW is truly in NC w/ OM.

FWIW, my DH was in withdrawl for about a month after d-day due to OW calling/texting him, even though HE never initiated contact. But, each call/text, put him right back at square one. I could even begin to tell WHEN she called just by how he acted towards me that day. It sucked.

Even though he was "back and invested in saving our M", it took a good 3 months before he really started to turn a corner and come back to life, come back to ME and our M.

Its only been 4 months for us since D-day, and I honestly feel like we are JUST now starting the REAL Recovery process.

Hang in there and remember that withdrawl and fog ARE real. and this process is slow, but does work if you give it time.