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#1780 08/16/99 10:43 PM
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Nellie1 Offline OP
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I have read that one of the best predictors of whether a second marriage will succeed is whether the children get along with the new spouse, and also that teenagers rarely accept a new spouse. The OW has 3 kids, two of them teenagers. I know at least the oldest one, a 16 year old boy, knows my H is still married. He has brought the 4 little kids over to her house on a number of occasions, and now wants to bring them overnight. This will entail, among other things, the 11 year old sharing his room. The oldest two kids are usually gone when my kids are there. The second time they were there, my nine year old and her 16 year old got in an argument. The OW has apparently told my H that our two youngest need therapy because they have too many temper tantrums, and the 7 year old is really very hard to handle. The 3 year old is actually quite calm and easy-going. On the face of it, this relationship seems to have many strikes against it, but he has been gone for almost six months and living with her full-time for 2.5 months. Does anyone else have experience with relationships where the spouse and the OP involve kids from both sides?

#1781 08/17/99 07:53 AM
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Nellie - My current husband was betrayed by his first wife, and they had just filed and split up when we met. (I am not the OW, believe me!) The kids were not aware of the problems in the marriage, so when dad and I got engaged - they were pretty unaccepting of it. The mother's affair had ran it's course and was ended, and at that time she decided to get her husband back. She used the kids in every way to try and create conflict in our home. We were married 9 years ago as soon as his divorce was final. She continued to try to use the kids to create conflict in our home for about 7 more years! <P>I'll tell you what, our relationship had many many strikes against it. It has held together because of prayer - and commitment. Nothing else. And I have been the one to do most of the work.<P>Is your OW willing to be so committed? Is your husband? I don't think so. I think this relationship will eventually blow up. Your husband has already shown what kind of a loyal person he can be, and your OW has already shown how selfish she can be. <P>It could take about 3 to 5 years before they eventually do blow off their relationship - do you want to wait that long? <P>How long do you want to wait? At some point, you will have to realize that his relationship witb the kids is outside of your influence. A legal visitation order does that. He doesn't HAVE to listen to you as a parent if he doesn't want to. He has his own parental rights - and you are not the decision maker. <P>Hopefully you are valued enough by your husband as the mother of the children, that he will listen to your morality concerns for your children. Hopefully he doesn't transfer his affections of mothering his children to the OW. It sounds like she is trying to step into that role by suggesting something for your children - such as "therapy". <P>I know you can see through every game and trick she pulls with your husband that affects your children. This frustrates you to no end. But ultimately, this is your husband who is giving her the power and right to do so. <P>

#1782 08/17/99 09:00 AM
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Well I'm in a blended family. My two kids ages almost 7 and 11 live with me and my husband full-time. I have two step kids ages 4 and 6 who are with us about 40% of the time. Yes, the kids do get a long most of the time (6 & 7 yr. olds are girls and other's are boys). We have no problems, but they get along. I also don't stick my nose in where it doesn't involve me because I'm busy enough with my own kids. Him and his ex co-parent well together.<P>Now, my ex moved in with a woman who had two boys 11 and 13 now. My son gets along well with them. But, these boys have no father. He moved out of state and started another family. My ex's girlfriend is also very jealous of me even though I'm re-married because I left my ex and he still loved me when I did. She told him that she wanted him to have NO part of his past. That means his ex, his kids, his parents and his siblings. Trying to errase his memories and raise her children as his own. Guess what? That's what he did. So, your husband and his "new" family may not blend well and it could ruin their relationship or close your kids out. My suggestion if you want your kids to have a daddy is to back off and try to stay out of their business. Co-parent with their dad and hope that his girl friend gives you the same consideration.<P>

#1783 08/17/99 12:00 PM
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trustntruth,<BR>Apparently when the kids are there, for the most part he lets her take care of them, just like I take care of them at home. She is absolutely trying to step into the role of mother.<P>When he is talking to me, we can discuss issues related to the children without problem, unless it is somehow related to the OW, or going to her house. He does his best to avoid mentioning her at all. She seems to be willing to do absolutely anything for him - during the affair he spent virtually no money on her, but she spent money on him. She has driven down to our house to pick him several times, an hour and a half round trip. She goes with him to visit his father, conveniently disposing of her children. She buys presents for our kids. I suspect she does all the cooking and cleaning, and he doesn't have to lift a finger to do anything domestic. She apparently remains perfectly calm when my children have temper tantrums. She apparently has no expectations from him, except that he has to be there when he says he is going to be, otherwise she immediately pages him. He acts very nervous when he is running late. I suspect she is also behind the fact that he has decided to visit the kids only one evening a week from now on (without bothering to tell them that). I wouldn't be surprised if she is paying for his lawyer too, and I am quite sure she found the lawyer. <P>I can't compete with her money, and I can't go back and undue the fact that I expected my H to cook occasionally, although I did virtually all the cleaning, the finances, and the child care. He told me once before discovery that he was "an independent person who didn't have to answer to anybody", but apparently he doesn't mind answering to her, as long as she waits on him hand and foot and provides financial support.

#1784 08/17/99 12:15 PM
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And being a mother to those kids is the only thing left that is YOUR territory - and she's encroaching there also....<P>I understand your frustration! And you wanting to draw a line in the sand and say ENOUGH.<P>Have you tried talking to your husband about this? Can he even be sensitive to your feelings in this area also - without lovebusters? Or is he allowing her to completely fill your role - and he keeps handing her more rope. <P>It sure sounds like she wants to be 100% involved in a permanent relationship with your husband. And she wants your influence out of their lives. And, if you are able to influence their home in anyway because you are the childfren's mother - if they stay loyal to you or become disruptive at all to her vision or plan, they will be encouraged to visit less and less. And husband seems he can't do anything on his own with his children without her.....<P>Co-dependent is what they are creating with one another. <P>

#1785 08/17/99 06:44 PM
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Nellie1 Offline OP
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I can not talk to him about anything that has to do with the OW in any way without him getting defensive. Conversely, I can talk to him about anything else - including finances - without much problem at all. I even seems sometimes that we will be talking about something and suddenly his tone changes - and later on I find out that the subject has some connection to the OW that I was unaware of at the time. Maybe it is just wishful thinking, but sometimes it almost seems like he is scared, or at least terribly anxious.

#1786 08/17/99 09:00 PM
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Nellie,<P>What do you think is going on - do you think he is dependent on her and he is afraid to double cross her/or appear disloyal?<P>That is very perceptive of you with his behavior.<BR>

#1787 08/18/99 05:14 AM
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trustntruth,<BR>I am not sure what is going on, but my H is very much a conflict avoider, and probably the last thing he wants is conflict with her. When he was here, it was like pulling teeth to get an opinion out of him. I have found out since he left, that there were a number of things he did have opinions about, but he never mentioned them, apparently to avoid conflict, real or imagined. He would decide what he thought I wanted, and then do that. When we were deciding whether to sell our car or have an expensive repair done, I told him that I wanted him to decide. Later on he claimed that we sold it because I wanted to, which was just an assumption on his part.

#1788 08/18/99 09:32 AM
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Hmmm, Nellie - this is getting interesting.<P>When you two were together, how did you arrive at decisions? Did he have the 'final say' - or was there a compromise - or did he just default?<P>When you asked him to make a decision about the car, was that different than how decisions were previously made?<P>Another question - did your husband always look for someone to blame for all his misfortunes? Also this one is really off of the wall: Is he a child of an alcoholic?<BR>

#1789 08/18/99 01:42 PM
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trustntruth,<BR>Sometimes he talked me into something, sometimes I talked him into something, but for decisions less important than say, buying a house, frequently it was virtually impossible to find out what he wanted, so after awhile I just gave up and made most of the day-to-day decisions by myself. If I asked him to do something that he didn't want to, he would either be noncommittal, say he would do it when he got around to it and then never do it, or just keep repeating what he wanted. It was difficult to debate anything, because he would just repeat himself, not respond to what I said. Apparently arguing drives him crazy - I could tell it bothered him when our 16 year old, who loves to argue, would argue with me or with her siblings.<P>My first inclination was to sell the car, and his was to keep it, but after talking about the pros and cons I decided I didn't know what to do and wanted him to decide. I guess it was different in the sense that I no longer had an opinion. <P>No, his parents drank little if any alcohol (and neither he nor I drink). If there were any alcoholics in his family, I don't remember hearing about them. Yes, he has frequently blamed others for his misfortunes, at least his financial ones. On at least one occasion, however, I found out long after the fact that he was blaming himself for a bad decision, but he never told me. <p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited August 18, 1999).]

#1790 08/18/99 03:32 PM
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Outside of the affair, was he self assured and confident - or did he need constant reassurance?<P>I am just wondering how he can transfer affections slowly, issue by issue - to the OW, and what her hold is on him.....<BR>

#1791 08/18/99 08:05 PM
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Nellie1 Offline OP
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I wish I knew what her hold on him is. I have no idea what he sees in her - she is the epitome of a yuppie, the sort of person for whom he used to have little respect. I don't know what she sees in him either. <P>He does not have a great deal of confidence, except in areas in which he has a great deal of knowledge.


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