D-Day was Nov. 4th. After reading "his needs, her needs and seeking the advice of this site and others I finally told the OM's wife today. We are all family friends...last 18 years. Children have grown up together, families have vacationed together and couples have too. He the OM actually called me first to say his wife now knew and he was glad. He eventually determined that I tipped her and was understanding. I told my wife tonight that the OM's wife knows, but I did not tell her that I tipped her. Her reaction is what is unbelievable.

She said it's odd that the OM did not call her. He has since told his sister and his parents whom we have also known and been with for 18 years. So my wife says...I'd need to know if we can send the OM's sister our Xmas card...probably not she says. Then she says I'd need to know when I could talk to the OM's parents again. CAn her disconnect be so vast that she does not even recognize that she is "the other woman" who is now a sworn enemy of her.

How could my wife who is incredibly intelligent be so divorced from reality? Is this common? Why on earth would the OM's parents EVER want to speak to her again? Yet she wonders when they will talk. This OM is in the middle of the biggest life crisis he will ever have concerning his family and my wife thinks it odd that he didn't call her right away.

Help me understand this please....

Its called the FOG for good reason.

Brace yourself for the most bizarre and confusing behavior you've ever witnessed from someone you use to know, your wife.

None of it will make sense, and all of it will drive you nuts trying to figure it out if you try, which you shouldn't.

I assume you're in Plan A. How's that going?

Have you exposed to everyone who would have an impact on the adulteress situation.

Jo

One other thing, T22.

View your wife as a selfish spoiled child who doesn't feel anything for anyone but herself during this time. This behavior waxes and waines of course, hence the term an "emotional rollercoaster" you'll be riding.

Her wants and needs will be the central thing on her mind and may stomp on everyone else to get there.

To survive it, don't take any of it personally.

Jo

Thanks Jo,

I suppose i am now in Plan A...I exposed to one very repected friend that my wife and I both respect. She will take a tough love approach. I described my wifes disconnected thoughts and the friend was Aghast. She is not the type to tolerate flaws in character, and she will cll my wife on it. I have that in my favor, and now with the OM's family in the know, her house of glass is shattering.

I'll be honest...I cried and doubted what I had done in informing the OM's wife...but I at least for now think it was the right and only thing to do. Time will tell.

My wife has taken the approach that we are to be friends, but never husband and wife again. When the fog clears and she finishes her individual counselig sessions, his needs, her needs I'm confident will open up her eyes. I even suggested it to the OM tonight when we spoke. As of now the only one out of touch is my wife. The OM understands the NC position...I believe he will follow it...he has enough to worry about now at home....and that was my hope all along. By bringing the OM's wife into it i thought it would force him to behave...focus on his own issues and quite being the emotional support for my wife. I was also afraid it might backfire and the OM and my wife would have a renewed sense of purpose and lean on each other for support.

that was my fear? Is it ungrounded?

thanks resilliant. She actually did not understand how this could have any negative impact on the OM's 3 daughters, and our 2 daughters....that is how out of touch she was and still is. In an email to him she said she would give her life to have what they had back...

so let me get this straight...he is more important than your 2 daughters...woth giving your life for?

WOW...how does it come to this?

Your fear isn't unfounded. But what is more a threat is failure to realize an affair is by definition an addiction. Its powerful, so don't ever underestimate its pull on the two.

While you are in exposure mode, I'd expose to everyone that has an impact on the two. A single impactful full forced strike on all sides.

Exposure targets should include:

1. Work (OM's as well)
2. Church (OM's as well)
3. Family on both sides (OM's as well)
4. All close personal friends (OM's as well)
5. Neighbors

You only get one chance at exposure, make it count!

And NUMERO UNO golden rule of thumb: DO NOT BRING YOUR WW, OR OM, HERE TO MB

It "will" backfire. This is your safe place for support, keep it that way.

Jo

Ditto everything Resilient said!

t22, you did exactly the right thing in exposing the affair as you did. It will kill the affair and wake her up provided that contact truly does end. If she sees him at all then she wont' withdraw. So, I would go to great lengths to ensure there is never any contact anywhere, lest you will be dealing with this for years to come.

Her fogginess is very routine in affairs. As she sobers up, she will be horrified at her behavior. And as she withdraws - provided contact really ends - she will draw TO you.

T22,

Please remember, regardless of any promises OM or your WW make to you right now, do not trust either of them. They are two addicts and will disappoint you, guaranteed. They will simply get sneakier to gain contact, stay vigilent.

You have a good ally in the OMW, use it to your best advantage.

Jo

The affair-intoxicated brain is like a brain on drugs to the extent it is mentally ill. She is literally drugs-intoxicated by an outpouring of endorphins: phenylethylamine, oxytocin (which has been compared to morphine by the scientists who study it) and dopamine, which is as 'dopey' as it's name suggests!

Keep that in mind.

How are you doing, T22?