I am new to this site and have only been aware of my WH A for 4 weeks. It only began 2 weeks before that.
We have been married 13 years, together for 17 years. We have 3 children (Girls 10/8/2). Our relationship had its challenges but very mild ones ... we argued very occasionally, but even at this moment in time WH will admit that we are a good team and that he loves me. He has been really stressed at work and I was hanging out for the end of semester as I could tell he was getting very seriously stressed. I think he was actually heading for a breakdown when the A began. The OW is 13 years younger, very beautiful, but with a troubled background (orphaned, foster homes when young, ex drug addict etc). The are both into outdoor pursuits (as am I but I have 3 children to look after but no family support as we came to NZ for WH to have the 'job of his dreams')

I have read a lot of the info on this site and have found it really useful but I have a few questions.
Exposure ... I have exposed the A to my parents and WH parents but they all live in the UK so can't do much unless he contacts them.
I have told my friends here (NZ). Now, the OW is one of my husbands university students so it could affect his job ... do I expose it to people at his work? Even though it could possible damage his career and will most certainly damage his reputation? I know, I know ....it is him who is doing the damage! When he first told me about it I hoped it would all blow over very quickly but it has just got stronger. They have spent the last week together, she went with him to a conference (well, stayed in the motel not to the actual conference) and then, when I was expecting him home, he rang to say he was picking up his fishing gear and they were going North for a few days. They have been camping, spear fishing, hanging out, relaxing etc ... meanwhile I have been here looking after our three young children.
He just popped in again to collect his kayak so that they can head down for a days white water paddling tomorrow!
I am trying my hardest to do no LB but don't always manage it. He has seen the children for only a few hours in the last month as he has been away with OW and/or working away so much. He is coming around a lot more next week and wants to talk to sort things out.
He is looking for a house to live in and has been saying since he first reavealed the A that he would be moving out. Firstly it was just for a while but the A has got more intense and today he was saying ..."who knows what will happen in the next 6 months? I want my relationship with OW to work out but it might not ... "

I just want to scream and shout at him ... I want him to hurt... I am so frustrated that all the issues he is coming up with (that we never did anything outdoory together anymore for eg) he never mentioned before the A. He has always had selfish tendencies but at the moment he is totally self absorbed.
He is obviously deep in the fog and I must admit that I am questioning whether he is right ... maybe they are meant to be together and will be happy forever? She is obviously meeting his EN to be adored and put first ...("I am always at the bottom of the pile") I guess I should have paid more attention to those needs before but with three children and a H who works/plays away from home a lot I often felt I didn't have much left to give. I just find it so hard to believe that he can give up so much so quickly. He has made no attempt to make things work between us and although he has said things that made me think he was coming round, as soon as he spends any time with OW he becomes cold, distant and very very defensive. It is good that I found this site as he has said many of the typical things to me - that the marriage hadn't been right since day one, that I never paid him any attention, that I never made him feel special, that he didn't mean it to happen but they are soulmates, that I never 'wanted' him and she does, that he was having a nervous breakdown and needed 'space' etc etc.... all the cliches. Everyone who knows us is stunned as we seemed to be a rock solid couple.

So, do I expose the affair to his colleagues?
Do I just quietly let him go and find himself a new house even though it obviously means that he will see her more and me less?
He isn't hiding any of this from me ... it is all very very blatant.

Sorry for the long post ...



What do I do next?

First piece of advice is to read the infidelity FAQ's here.

And seeing as he is so open, EXPOSE to anyone and everyone. (Even if he isn't so open expose). It's a powerful weapon.

Welcome to MB. It's an awesome place to be if you want to save your marriage. It's slow on weekends here but please persevere.

Well kiwi...I say expose...I know I would be afraid to do it to his colleagues, but can you live like this? Get your finances in order...start focusing on you and your girls...Start a Plan A, if you can....I know this so sucks....and I am sorry

Plan A should be brilliant
...and brief
when the wife has been a pretty decent wife for many many years

Plan A has a carrot and a stick

both are necessary

make the carrot shine like a grand prize
and use the stick with love

Pep

CARROT & STICK [color:"red"] <~~~ click to link[/color]

Read up on exposure so you do it the proper way

I'd also give your barrister a ring a ding ding

<Mr. W trying talk all british like>

There may be importatant time tables for you to consider which will determine if you and the girls can return to England or not if this affair thing does not get sorted out.

It's very important that while fighting for your marriage you also protect you and your children legally on the backside. The long play on this may include you going to Plan B at or before a break in the kids school years/semester or whatever they are called there and then moving back to England where YOU want to live and YOU have support. Once the affair ends and he wants to reconcile he'll have to return to England to do it ...thereby insuring NO CONTACT.

Just a possibility.

Mr. Wondering

KiwiBrit:

First thing I would do, Is get the heck out of the house. Those are his children too. Ring him up and have HIM stay home with the kids while you GO OUT.

HE'S having all the fun and you stay home. STOP THAT.

"Meant" to be together BY WHOM?? By God? Of course a married man is not "meant" to have an affair, that would be crazy. A married man is only meant to be with his WIFE so please banish any foolish notions that he is meant to have an affair? He ain't.

Secondly, you have a huge pistol in your hand right now and have the ability to inflict massive damage on the affair if you will simply use it. And that is EXPOSURE at work and exposure to her parents.

Your fears about him losing his job are apparently not shared by the affairees, so if they are not worried about it, why should you? In the meantime, your marriage is being killed in your protection of his career. You won't have to be worrying about his career anyway when your marriage crumbles over this affair.

So, pull out all the stops and expose to the college dean, board of directors. Don't bother with his collegues, go straight to the top.

And while you are at it, expose to HER PARENTS. They should know taht they are paying for thier DD to be sexually exploited at their expense. If this were my DD, there would be ****** to pay.

Hello KB,
sorry you have to be here.

Do not stop looking for a different place to live.

It is perfectly acceptable for you to tell him that he is hurting you by leaving you and your children to have an adulturous affair.

Do expose. As Mel said, he is not concerned about is job, so why should you be?

If he loses the job of his dreams, it is due to his poor choices and not yours.

I would expose to his supervisors and her parents. My son is in college, if he were involved in an affair with a professor (married or not) I'd be raising so much ****, you'd hear it in NZ.

You must expose so that everyone who has any influence on the adulturers.

Hang in there

Kiwibrit, as you can see from my name I'm also in NZ, but I'm a NZer born and bred. Coincidentally, I also work at the biggest university in NZ and wonder if it's the same one your H works for. Affairs with students are VERY frowned upon. I would be very surprised if his colleagues don't already know. As you know the university is a very incestuous place and news travels VERY fast.

Sorry to see you here. Listen to the others, they know what they're talking about.

I've just had another thought. Now that semester has ended I know what academics are meant to be doing. What they're meant to be doing is working on their research. Also, his A coincided with final exams. His colleagues may be covering for him but I bet the Dean of your H's faculty would be interested to know what your H was doing when he was meant to be marking exams (impartially) which raises ethical issues if the student is one of your H's.

You have a lot of ammunition here.

How nice that your husband has his "dream job", with a concubine included. And he has his wife tucked away safely at home, caring for the children, and the kayak - just in case he needs either.

I would go to Plan B quickly - right after exposure to the Dean. You need to break this up, before YOU lose your love for him.

Did a reply but it didn't seem to work?

Thank you all for your replies and words of encouragement and advice.
Just to clarify, the OW is 26 not a school child. She doesn't have any parents to expose to ... probably one of the reasons she has fallen for my WH?
Hi KiwiJ - no he doesn't work for the biggest Uni, but I'm sure the 'rules' will be the same. I don't think he would lose his job but as you say I'm sure it will be frowned upon. Ironic that he has just this week been nominated for a very presitigious award for his commitment and professionalism! He has always put in 110% to his work and that left little energy and time for us. I'm sure that is what caused the A in the first place. I think he suddenly couldn't cope any more and is running away from everything. He has worked so hard (too hard) to get to where he is and at the moment he just doesn't care about any of it.

I have just read the Carrot and Stick post and have cut and pasted it so that I can keep refering to it. Thanks.
I can't find the How to do Plan B part on the website. I know I have read it before so it must be there.... I have read some of the plan A/plan B part of the forum and it scares the living daylights out of me! Mainly because of the children.
WH's parents are coming over for a month in Jan. He will be away for the first 10 days or so but maybe after that he will feel heat and see the light? I think I still need to concentrate on Plan A ... he needs to remember why he loved /loves me and how blessed we are to have 3 wonderful children rather than him seeing us all as a burden.

You must do a good plan A before going to Plan B.

You can do it!

"When he first told me about it I hoped it would all blow over very quickly but it has just got stronger. They have spent the last week together, she went with him to a conference (well, stayed in the motel not to the actual conference) and then, when I was expecting him home, he rang to say he was picking up his fishing gear and they were going North for a few days. They have been camping, spear fishing, hanging out, relaxing etc ... meanwhile I have been here looking after our three young children.
He just popped in again to collect his kayak so that they can head down for a days white water paddling tomorrow!"

The above is his life with HER.

With you, he has responsibilities, diapers, bills, etc.

I hope you will expose to his work before this gets worse.

Yes, I will because I know I have to. The main thing bothering me right now about exposing is that tomorrow will be his first evening with us for ages and he has planned to be here for quite a lot of this week. If I expose now maybe it will be harder to plan A? Should I have a nice day or two with him first and then do it? He is here for a meal tomorrow and to go to cut down our family Christmas tree ... maybe after that? The last thing I want is him taking off ... he doesn't have to be back in work until February so he can just avoid the aggro if he wants to.
On the positive side I have just had a long chat with his mum and I am having a lovely day in the sunshine with my girls. I am feeling strong today. I have made a list of things I want to do so that I can start to create a better life for myself and so that I don't feel so lost when it does come to the time for the children to go to WH for the weekend.
I have also started to do some of the jobs he used to do so that he can see I can cope without him. I even got him to show me how to change the oil in my car last week. He showed me on his car and then I went and did my own. When I had finished he said " You can do anything can't you!" I just smiled and agreed.

Okay, have 2 nice days with him, and then expose. I doubt that they will be nice though. It will be in the back of your mind - that he is missing his drug (the OW).

God this is hard! I don't think I'm very good at this ... he just popped in at lunchtime to collect his laptop. I was very calm and tried to be welcoming. Said I was just about to make a sandwich and asked if he wanted to join us (me and our toddler). He declined the offer. I asked whether OW was waiting for him up the road which he said yes to. "You don't want her here and she doesn't want to be here". I said that actually I would like to talk to her. He wanted to know why so I just said I thought she needed to know what she was doing and that I wasn't planning on scratching her eyes out. He then said, "well you will have to at some stage as she will be involved with the kids ... dropping them off etc" I didn't rise to the bait or anything but wish now that I just hadn't mentioned any of it at all.
I asked him whether the other students all knew. He told me that her best friend knew and he had talked to the friend about it and she "is cool with it ... she isn't going to run around telling anyone". "Oh, that's ok then, as long as her friend is cool with it I suppose that makes it ok?" WHY DID I SAY THAT? Is that LB? It is so hard not to say anything.
He told me that she was working for a couple of days this week so I questioned if that was why he was available to us after being AWOL for a few weeks.
Not the best start to my plan A.... he is back tonight so I hope I get some strength before then ... it is going to take strength to restrain myself from challenging him.
On a positive note he kissed me goodbye (on my head!) and I said I missed him. he said he missed me too ... "I miss all this" he said looking around the house. I said, well come back then. To that he just said that it could never be the same again and the things that were good before wouldn't be anymore and the things that weren't good wouldn't have changed. What should I say to him when he says that? I'll go and search the site for ideas.

God my heart goes out to you! Kiwibrit. I am new to MB myself and feel that I don't know enough to help. Not sure even what to type. Well, the other members here at MB can and will help. I hope this situation changes and things get better for You and WH. I will say a pray for you and your if that’s alright with you! You sound like a very strong person and that may be your saving grace.

Thanks sag06 ... most of the time I feel strong but the waves of panic/grief/anger wash over me at times. I guess it is like grieveing for someone who has died but with the added complication of them still being around to stuff things up! At least if he had died the children and I could have remembered him as he was.