hmm, he is worried about her friends telling?

I think that is a good indication that you should be exposing like crazy. I would get right on that first thing tomorrow.

Now, you DO NOT want to talk to her - it will not do any good.

When he comes in tonight make you and the house and family as welcoming as possible. Show him you are willing to make changes.

Start meeting his needs- if you do not know what they are take the test for him on this site.

Hang in there

the first time i found out about the A....i did expose to OWH her mother and my H's family (even though i didn't know about this site-it was just what i instinctively did)

the affair stopped that day!

sadly, 8 monyhs later, they started contacting each other again

i didn't know until long after my H had moved out and had moved in with OW....i just believed all of his crap about how it was all my fault because i didn't forgive his affair....yada yada yada

by the time i knew that he was with OW again...they had already told everyone their own version...my H told everyone that he tried (yeah...right) to work things out with me but i couldn't forgive him and that i was "beating him" (and all those people who had known me for 19 years believed him) and because of this, he said that he started up his "friendship" with OW again... because she understood his situation...it was just a friendship that became something more....

please expose the affair NOW...it's your best weapon in this war

kiwi, it is real important that you don't give him the impression taht you will go along with things like this:


This statement tells your H is SEVERELY FOGGED out. Your children should never, ever be exposed to his sleazy, filthy affair and you need to tell him this.

I get the impression that he thinks this is all perfectly natural and acceptable and is completely blind to how filthy and inappropriate his affair really is. The wheels have come off the cart somehow. So, it will be important for you to help him come back to reality. Let him know that you will not support his affair and will not allow his children to be dragged into his affair.

i think if you do an effective exposure, you may wake him a bit. But you can't do just a little bit, it has to be widespread to get the maximum effect. For example, I would target his parents, the university president, the board and any other key influences you can think of.

Exposing in this manner will force him to see himself through the eyes of others, which should be a huge wake up call. I fear this is what it is going to take with someone who has lost their moral compass SO BADLY that he has no SHAME. Your WS is FLAGRANT about his affair, which is a little scary.

But when he says fogged out things to you, you shouldn't attack him, but you should reply firmly that you aren't going along and you don't approve.

Are you familiar with Plan A? It does not mean appeasement at all cost. It means standing up for your marriage and protecting yourself and your children but with no lovebusters. It has nothing to do with [censored] kissing or appeasement. Do you have Surviving an Affair?

Here is an outline of Plan A by Pepperband that might be helpful:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

kiwi, when you expose, I would suggest making a list of key targets at the university and composing a letter to them all, ccing each of them. Inform them of the affair, give them all the facts [including the OW's name], and tell them how it is destroying your marriage. Ask them what they intend on doing about it. State an expectation that you want something done about it.

Send several copies to different people, boards and cc them all on your original letter.

It is best to expose to all on the SAME DAY in order to get the maximum impact. If you do this in dribs and drabs, they will be able to recover much easier.

On the day they receive the letter, I would plan on exposing to any others that can be done via phone, such as his mother, your pastor, your mother, any close family friends. Tell them you love your H and ask for their support in saving your family from his affair.

You say the OW has no parents? How would you know this? Exposing to her parents would be a very effective exposure. Is she a member of a sorority? What clubs does she belong to?

R U going to be meeting with the lawyer/barrister this week?

It doesn't sound like New Zealand is the place you ever wanted to be in the first place. You can kill two birds with one stone by moving back to merry old England. If he wants his family...he will follow eventually and at the same time leave OW behind. It's likely the best way to get no contact as it's between semester now, OW has not graduated (from what I can tell) and if you stay you are not going to get him to quit his job voluntarily. You are in quite the pickle and you need to explore the legalities of your options sooner than later. I am not saying separate TODAY as that is not a great way to Plan A however, if you must by the end of December or else you are somehow stuck in New Zealand cause that's where he wants you and his children to stay even after a divorce then you may have to go sooner than planned.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - Don't not hint or threaten exposure to WH at all. Threats do absolutely no good...they merely warn the enemies of your intended plan which they then can attempt to sabotage or attempt to manipulate you into not doing it. Neither the threat nor the exposure will actually end it but the exposure itself is often the beginning of the end. It's just no longer secretive naughty lustful bliss...reality slowly creeps in.

Doesn't your H's University have Bulletin Boards where students post ads? There should be several of them all over campus.

I say make copies of your E-Letter and post them on every BB you can find on campus, making sure it lists who you sent the letter to directly.

Jo

that you were physically abusing him?

The reason I am asking is because my ex tried this BS. Of course it didn't work. Even our children had a good laugh over that one. But ex is what is called a Compulsive Liar.

Yes, wait until after then to expose. But like Melody said, make it a full-inpact-all-sides exposure effort.

Also, I'd suggest making a counseling appt with Steve Harley. He can help you with your Plan A/B implementation.

Jo

Kiwibrit, I also live in NZ and am located at a city where a university is located. If you are happy to disclose what city you are in, and we happen to be in the same one, I could give you a call and share with you what I have learned from MB over the last year. OW in my case is British, but I won't hold that against you!

Resilient, a couple of things. It would be very tempting to post a notice on the bulletin board at the university but this country is extremely, extremely small and anything like that would end up on the 6.00pm news and the angle they would take would be "nutty wife exposes H". The only humiliation and exposure would be KB's.

Also, the Vice Chancellor (President?) and Senate (Board of Directors?) would immediately send anything like an exposure letter back to the faculty where her H is based.

Exposure should begin with the Head of Department and Dean of Faculty (at the same time). They will be sympathetic and they have real POWER. Genuine power, the power to make things happen.

It is also quite difficult to implement a real plan of exposure action now that universities have virtually shut down for the summer break until February. However, the Dean and the HOD will still be around (hopefully).

KB, good luck.

Why in the world would any of the humiliation belong to KB-THE BETRAYED SPOUSE??? I would certainly think that there are decent people in the country that would be rightfully OUTRAGED by the behavior of a MARRIED college professor getting it on with a student...Any news channel that characterized KB any other way than the INNOCENT BETRAYED would be the nutty ones, IMO...Further, if I were KB, I would offer those news stations an exclusive about this astrocity...pretty good way to get around the "summer break/can't properly expose" angle...Make it part of the six o'clock news...I'm certain that the parents paying for their children's education would sit up and take notice and see this for what it truly is...A DISGRACE!!!

Mrs. W

KiwiBrit - I'm an Aussie.

Your husband in his own words seems to value secrecy n keeping the affair under cover. You should tell ANYONE who will be disgusted by his behaviour or can influence his behaviour.

I strongly disagree with KiwiJ.

Thing is a BS does have to suck up a lot of pain and humiliation - comes with the territory I'm afraid. Your number 1 objective here is to end the affair regardless of the consequences.

Your marriage has no chance while the affair is ongoing. Exposure is a powerful weapon to end this nightmare now.

You say OW is 26 - are you sure she is not a student? How did he meet her? How much do you know about her? Which of her friends can you leverage to put pressure on the affair?

OK, Mrs W and BigK, I know where you're coming from, I also know my own country (intimately) and I also know the way universities work (intimately). OK, you strongly disagree with me, you strongly disagree with me on principle no matter what I say. Whatever the public would think of the story (and you're right, they would be outraged), the angle the news people would take is one of amused "hey, look what this woman did". There are 4.5 million people in this whole country, can you even imagine what that is like? Six degrees of separation happens every day, we are that small.

I know for a fact that exposing to the right people - the HOD and the Dean would bring results.

Also, a 26 year old student is not in the least bit unusual in this country. I come into contact with students that age every day of my working life.

OW *is* one of his students ... Kiwibrit stated:

Fiatflux,

I misread it. I saw another line she wrote


and read that to mean she was saying OW wasn't a student. I sure thought it was likely OW was a student.

Jen - The 6:00 news has bigger concerns than adultery. But I strongly agree with the exposure you suggested as well.

Thank you BigK.

Believe it or not, the 6.00pm news here would pick up a story like that and run with it. If it was posted on bulletin boards anyway. An exposure to the right people would, of course, not be picked up by the media and would get very good results.

The ethical question of a student being graded by a professor she was having an A with would be HUGE. Grading is taken very, very, very seriously, just as it should be (the reason exams are such a fraught time for us in administration - one error in a student's grades or any hint of anything untoward is DEATH for us and the professors).

Our professors aren't allowed to speak or be in any kind of contact with their students between the time an examination is sat and the time grades are posted. The reason is to make sure there are no approaches by students to their professors to try to "sway" them.

If, indeed, this student has been having this kind of contact with her professor around exam time, all HE!! will BREAK LOOSE.

Unbelievable that this WH is putting so much at risk...his family, his career ... and still seems rather oblivious to it all.

Well that is GREAT to hear Jen-this situation should be taken with extreme gravity...I hope that kiwibrit will begin exposure of this affair as soon as possible and KNOW that she is doing EXACTLY the right thing...a very brave and heroic thing as a matter of fact...

Honestly, I think that it would be wonderful if someone would take their exposure to the news, explaining the very noble purpose behind it (to try and save their marriage and family)...Doing so might force employers to develop firm policies where dealing with adultery is concerned...Would make for a much better world, IMO...

Mrs. W

Hi KB,

How are you doing? Can you please offer us an update?

Jo

Hi
We had a fairly quiet but pleasant evening with the children then, when they had gone to bed we talked a lot. WH started with the "what do you want to do about the house" "Do you want me to pay for the girls gym fees" etc. I just kept saying that I didn't want those things ... I wanted him home. We discussed all sorts of things including how our relationship had been and he said that he had been ok until the beginning of Oct but very quickly things had got just too much for him and he felt he had to change things. I think he has been feeling unsatisfied with things for some time. The A started mid October.
He told me that he missed me and confessed that he finds me more sexy that the OW. He slept in our bed for the first time in weeks.
This morning he woke up not so happy. Said I was messing with his head and it was too difficult and painful to be here and that he was still going to go looking for houses in the afternoon.
I went out for a couple of hours and when I came back he was more fired up and defensive. He had spoken to his mum for the first time in weeks. She had been kind to him but had apparently told him that he has so much going for him by staying with the family and will end up with nothing if he goes. He was angry with me over the fact that she didn't know that I was in the process of claiming benefits. He said that I had "kicked him out" and that if I hadn't done that things might have been different. He has a strong EN to feel needed and I guess that what I did just added to the message that he isn't needed. i have kept telling him that I do need him and the children need him, but emotionally. I have said that yes, we will survive if he leaves, but we will all be very sad and our lives will be poorer for not having him with us (spiritually not financially poorer).
He left to go and look at houses ... probably with OW. I asked him to come back tonight but he just says " you don't get it do you? I have another life now and I don't want to be here every night of the week!"

My question now is ... am I doing plan A right? I am trying not to be needy and pleading and I am trying to be calm and stong but he reads that as not needing him. I have always been very capable and am used to being on my own with the children frequently and I always saw it as a strength that I didn't fall apart without him. I saw it that I was freeing him to go and do his outdoor activities without having to worry about us too much. Maybe I would be better off playing the pathetic wretched wronged wife who is going to crumble if her WH walks away?

Oh, and I also did a lot of acknowledging my part in the downfall of our relationship and that I didn't meet his EN. I apologised for the mistakes I had made in dealing with things since he told me of the affair. He still holds onto the fact that things can never be the same again ... that the good things will never be as good and the bad things will be worse. I just keep saying that that is not my belief and that a relationship based on honesty would be better than the one we had where he wasn't happy ( and there were things I wasn't happy with either but I didn't mention those).

By the way, I have to agree that posting notices on boards at uni is not the way I am going to go! I think I would end up as the funny bit at the end of the news and that's just not my style... I'd rather bow out gracefully with some dignity intact. I really doubt that involving the Dean etc is going to help. I think he will just be absolutely furious and never speak to me again. I am going to hang on in there for another day or two (he is over again tomorrow afternoon and I really don't want to spoil the kids trip out to cut down and then decorate the tree). I have already told one of his closest colleagues, someone he has great respect for and someone who knows both WH and OW very well. I asked him not to say anything just yet but I thought he might be able to exert some influence on OW in some way.
Sorry for the long post again ... there just isn't a quick way of saying some things.