After I disclosed my affair my H was of course devastated. He said recently that he wished I wouldn't have told him because he now doesn't love me as much as he used to and never will again. The affair has been over for some time now and we've been to counseling and nothing helps. H is withdrawn and doesn't seem to care at all anymore even though I try to get him to open up and talk to me about his feelings. I am here for him when he needs me and plan on being but he seems to really hate me and is punishing me continually for this. I hate myself enough for getting involved with an affair but to have my husbands hatred like this is killing me. How many people would rather not have been told?

Crossed my mind... but marriage is about being honest. I will never regret that I told, EVER!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

I couldn't live in the marriage with that secret that's why I ask. Because my husband said he wished I hadn't told him and repeats this I wonder why because if the shoe were on the other foot I'd want to know. At least then I'd have an idea of what needed to be worked on and the truth out. Has any betrayed person felt the same and regained love for their h or w? I'm not expecting an overnight miracle but it has been some time since I've ended the affair.

Hello Connor,<BR>I wanted to reply to your post because I have often wondered what our lives would be like if my Husband<BR>didn't tell me about his biggest mistake he has ever made in his life.Yes, by not telling me he would have spared me soooo much pain and anger. He took a big risk by telling me, and there was a good chance that I would kick <BR>him out. Well, I didn't.I knew what we had and that this srewup was out of caracter for him.So, here we are ....rebuilding. A life with total honesty and trust (I'm not totally there yet). I think that you made the right decision by telling you H. It's the only way<BR>to make your marriage work. After your H works thru all the pain and deals with the initial shock he will see that you are honest<BR>and sincere and you are very sorry. Give him some time. I wish you lots of luck, and God's blessings. Keep in touch!

Thanks SuzyQ. I completely agree with you that a marriage built upon deceit isn't really a marriage at all. It took awhile after my affair ended to tell my husband because he did say that he would leave if that were to ever happen but i couldn't stand living with this anymore and I knew he had to be given a chance to realize what I did and remain in our marriage (or leave) that was based on truth. No matter if he left or not i couldn't keep him here under false terms and that's what I was doing for 6 months. I dont think he can forgive me for this but I guess thats what I did to myself. I read about how betrayers are going through withdrawals from the OP and how their spouse is being so good to them and all I want is my h's love but all I can do is work on my end of it and hope my husband comes around. Thanks again for the response Suzy Q.

Connor you did the right thing. Your husband sounds like he is unsure what to do. I would suggest reading "After the Affair" by Janis Abrahms Spring. It helps couples and individuals decide if their marriage should continue and mainly how to rebuild. <P>Good Luck.

Hi Conner - wow! does your story sound familiar. It was about 7 mo after my affair ended that I told my h. He also had told me that was the only reason he would leave me. Well, it has been 7 mo and Thanks to God, we are still together. Hang on girlfriend you have a long hard row to hoe. This will be hard and difficult but there is hope. My h has had a very hard time getting over the pain and anger. It has only been in the last month that our lives are beginning to feel more comfortable (7 mo since I told him). If you would like to talk further contact me at Sdcc31@aol.com Our stories seem very familiar and I feel we can really help each other or I will watch for you on this forum. Hang in there it can get better.

awoken, thanks for the book suggestion. I will buy that one next trip to the bookstore and read it. <P>SDCC, I'm glad to hear that your marriage is improving after having a hard time with your H's healing. I guess there is a little glimmer of hope for mine? H and i have a lot to work on as far as compatibility and other issues that we never see eye to eye on but his inability to forgive me and his telling me he doesnt love me anymore makes it hard to even work on any other issues now. Maybe just giving him time and being there for him and not expecting anything in return for awhile? Thanks for your e-mail addy you'll probably be getting mail soon.

Connor, you did the right thing. My H. told me recently about his affair and I wouldn't have it any other way. It is about respecting the spouse's right to know who they live with. It is everyone's right to live in an honest relationship. Some would choose to live in denial, and some will even stay in denial when you tell them the truth. Your H. deserves to make an informed decision about his future. He may have trouble with forgiving you, but if he can work it through AND you both figure out why the affair took place, then you move to a stronger place in your marriage. If my H. had just proceeded with a divorce, like he intended, I would forever wonder what I did wrong in our relationship. This way, we both acknowledge our failings, but he takes responsibility for breaking covenant. This frees me to work on what is really important, becoming a whole person who can love him or live without him, depending how things work out. If you want to chat more, my email is mommaslizzie1@go.com.

Conner,<P>A couple comments:<P>First, it sounds like your counselor is ineffective. You should find another one---preferrably a behavioralist who will work with the both of you to achieve measurable changes in your behavior.<P>Second, your husband needs to change his behavior. You need to let him know that this does bother you, and that you'd like to work on it together. The endpoint is a great marriage for the both of you. Happiness for both. Win-win. You'll need to engage him in this conversation without lovebusters---don't respond to his lovebusters, and don't defend your affair (only apologize).<P>A good counselor will help you through this.

Not beating up on you...but if you basically kept the truth from him an additional six months, he may have a harder time with trust issues than the actual affair.<P>I hate my H was dating, but after I found out and he kept phone contact with her (all the while lying) that's what did the real damage to our relationship.<P>It has impaired by ability to trust my own judgment of what reality is. I can believe my H had an affair, but knowing it's over puts it in past tense. Knowing he could continue to lie to me without me even suspecting is harder to live in the present with.<P>Just an observation it may not just be the fact you had an affair.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hi,<BR>I confessed to my affair approx. 6 mo's after I ended it. That was in June 1998. We tried to work things out, but my husband couldn't forgive me and he divorced me May 1999. He was very cruel to me after the confession, went to two counseling sessions on his own, and three sessions with me. He didn't try all that hard, in my estimation. In any case, I still have days when I wished I hadn't told. Mostly because I endured his punishment for nothing. I don't have the answer for you. I will say that people who tend to be either physically or verbally abusive most likely cannot handle the truth. In those cases, your personal safety is more important than their need to know.

Liz you're right. problems would be swept under the rug until they came out in different areas if honesty weren't there in every area I think. I know that he needed to be told and I'll have to respect his decision either way (whether he leaves or not). I want the marriage but can't force him to stay.<P>K - that's exactly what we need to do but my husband and I have been to other counselors and because of our experiences it's soured him on going again because he groups all counselors into one slot. I've asked him if he would go to another one with me and he refuses. he thinks he's done his duty. I'll keep trying. I have been keeping all of my resentment toward the way he treats me and what he tells me in check because I need to after what i've done. <P>faith hope love, after i ended the affair, contact didn't continue. I ended contact with the OM and during that 6 months prior to telling my h sought counseling by myself in order to find the best way to tell my husband what i did. I couldn't just rush in and tell him without having a plan in place. may seem like a copout but this time was only for me regrouping my thoughts and feelings not for seeing or contacting the OM. once the affair was ended there was no contact after that.

Connor and Sdcc, I think the reason some spouses wish they hadn't been told is so that they don't have to change. My husband would have loved for me to have kept my mouth shut too. That way he could still be sitting in his lazy boy ignoring me all night when he comes home. Now, God forbid, he has to actually come home and TALK to me! Because now he KNOWS how unacceptable his behavior has been. So, to alot of people, ignorance is bliss, but to those of us who WANT and need change, ignorance is hell. My husband would love to go back to "the way things were" when he felt like he was Mr. BigStuff and had all the answers to everything. Now that everywhere he turns he is told and shown that he did almost everything wrong in the marriage, it is almost more than he can handle. I guess I feel sorry for him in a way because he knows I tried and tried to tell him through the years that he shouldn't be doing the things he did, but he basically told me to go fly a kite. Now everything has come up and bitten him in the you know what and he can't run away from it. Well, I suppose he could run, but I will give him credit that he hasn't yet. So far he says he wants to have another chance to fix things between us and I am glad about that. I'm just not so sure how much effort he is willing to put forth in order to do it and I'm really not sure how much I can realistically expect him to change. He's 45 years old and has been "this way" for most of our marriage. He won't read books, he does attend counseling with me, but how can he really "unlearn" bad behaviors on just one counseling session a week or two? <P>So, I hear ya girlfriends, can I join in on the email too?

Hi TheStudent. I'm sorry to hear about your husbands choice in your marriage. Mine seems to be going that same route unfortunately. I wonder why his wanting to not know of this is like PodPerson says - because he wanted to be kept in the dark and all would be status quo. I don't know but since he won't discuss much at all that is serious with me I am left guessing much of the time.<P>PodPerson, I have to agree with your saying to a large extent. I can't fault him for having pain regarding my choice but our marriage hasn't been good in some time like you said yours has and he doesn't seem to want to try. I guess I'm going to be trying for both of us for awhile. Sure you can join in on the e-mail, feel free to e-mail me @ connor302@hotmail.com.