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Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 17
Junior Member
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OP
Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 17 |
Hi everyone...
To make a long story short, I had a six week EA with a co-worker while my mother was dying from cancer. He provided me with emotional comfort that my H could not provide and that I would not allow him to provide due to previous marital difficulties. I won't elaborate at this time, as I do not want to make excuses for my affair, and take full responsibility for my foolish choices.
I ended my EA shortly after my mother died, with no intention of ever telling my H that I had thought I had been in love with another man. But, as we all know, these things have a way of surfacing, and a cell phone billing cylcle later I was found out. I confessed everything, and began working very hard to atone for my sins.
That was five months ago, and since then, I have purchased and read nearly every book on infidelity I can find, have revised my boundaries to exclude men as friends, and have been utterly transparent to my H. He has all my passwords and I am always available when he calls. I check in with him frequently on my hour-long commute to and from work, and also on my lunch break. His #1 EN is openness and honesty, which I am trying very hard to fulfill. His #2 EN (probably his #3, 4, and 5 as well!) is sexual fulfillment, which I have also been trying very hard to fulfill, in spite of his often terrible treatment of me. No matter how he lashes out at me during the day, I am always available to him at night. As a result, I am building up new resentments toward him and beginning to erect new walls shutting him out of my heart. In short, I am falling out of love with him all over again, one of the reasons the EA happened in the first place.
So, my question is, what does he want from me?? I can't erase the past, I can only look toward the future. I have done evey single thing he has asked of me, but still it is not enough. He has done absolutely nothing in the way of meeting my ENs, and instead just keeps partaking of what I have to offer. I need affection...I get none. I need admiration...I get none. The only time he pays me notice is if I am naked and on my back and I am sick of it...sick of it!! Am I selfish?? How much restitution do I have to make before we are on even ground?
I have put aside mourning my mother's death to focus on rebuilding my marriage and now I am becoming resentful of that too. I feel I am the only one working toward rebuilding our relationship and I don't think that is fair. I will do 90% of the work if only he will do 10%! I am lonely and I am sad (first holiday season without my mom) and I am trying so hard and getting no encouragement at all for my efforts.
H and I had a disagreement yesterday that was non-A related. During the argument he lashed out, "for someone who is allegedly so remorseful, you sure are mouthy". Oh, so now, because I had an A, I have lost all rights to stand up for myself?? WHAT??????????
Then this morning, I did not want to have SF, and he said, "remember, you are supposed to be extra-nice to me because of what happened...", so I agreed and now I sit here full of resentment once again.
SO, I ASK, HOW LONG MUST I PAY PENNANCE FOR MY SINS??
For how long can he do no wrong?? How long do I have to accept the hurt he is now causing me? What is an appropriate punishment for my weakness during a time of great personal trauma?
I am obviously feeling very sorry for myself...I apologize.
Can someone please just tell me what to do to make things better for my H and me?? I want us to be in love again and I am failing. Please help....
Des
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
What a [censored]. Can you please print out your post, show it to him, and send him here to us?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Can you go online and order the book Lovebusters for him? http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,808
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Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,808 |
Will he do Marriage Counseling with you? How about making an appointment with Steve Harley? Would he call the radio show with you to talk to Dr. Harley?
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,632
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Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,632 |
Sorry you're going thru this, but it would appear your H is now trying to blackmail you in an effort to control the M. You can't let this continue, as it will destroy any chance of real R. Here's what Dr H says: [color:"blue"] [/color] Using resentment as a way to control and punish a spouse
I'm convinced that what's kept the resentment of S.R.'s husband alive for so many years is that he has found it to be an effective way to control and punish her whenever she doesn't do what he wants. Whenever they have a fight, he brings it up, and it causes her such guilt that it gives him a decided advantage in winning the argument.
By this time, I don't believe that her affair is the problem that she thinks it is. Instead, it is an issue that her husband is using to get the upper hand in his relationship with her. It probably shows up the most whenever she has been reluctant to have sex with him. It throws her off balance whenever he mentions it, and makes her feel guilty, wanting to make it up to him somehow. He may also bring it up whenever she is winning in a power struggle he is having with her.
What she describes to me in her letter is abuse, pure and simple. There is no excuse for the way her husband keeps bringing up her moment of weakness she experienced years ago. He is disrespectful and abusive.
I suggest that she look him right in the eye and say to him, "Listen Buster, do you love me? Do you want me to love you? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me? If the answers to any of those questions is 'yes' you sure are going about it the wrong way. You are not doing things that I admire, you're doing things that I find disgusting!"
What if he says, "Fine, then lets just get a divorce and end it all."
To that I would say, "It's up to you. I married you for life, but if you want a divorce, it's your call. If you want to be in a love relationship with me, however, you're going to have to treat me much better than you have been treating me. You must never again bring up my affair, and if you are upset with me, you will have to treat me with respect until we can solve the problem. If you are upset with our sexual relationship, I want us to discuss it as adults and solve it with mutual respect. I refuse to be treated like this, especially by the man I love."
My advice to her husband is to never mention her affair again. It's a good example of one of the enemies of good conversation, dwelling on past mistakes. Whenever you keep bringing up your spouses past mistakes, you not only make your conversations incredibly unpleasant, but it cannot possibly lead to a resolution of a conflict you may be discussing. And as soon as his resentment doesn't pay him any dividends -- no longer helps him get his way -- he will find that it hardly ever occurs to him.
Hanging on to an unpleasant thought because it helps us somehow is what psychologists call "secondary gain." It means that even though the thought is unpleasant, it gets you something you need, so your mind keeps it around for its usefulness. There are many unpleasant thoughts that have this characteristic, and I have helped many people let them go by helping them destroy the usefulness of the thought. Making sure that S.K.'s husband never gets what he wants by bringing up her affair will help him overcome his resentment. best of luck to you. Jerry
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