Long story in a nutshell:
Me 32
H 32
Married almost 5 years
One baby girl 20 months
Separated 12/18/2005
Bomb Spetember 2005 - my gut instinct, cell phone bills, and text messages bewtween H and OW.
Asked H to give up OW(friendship as he calls it) for sake of our marriage. He said NO.
Limbo ever since. H Cake eating and me enabling him to do it.
Lost my mom on Nov 1 and H did nothing - well barely anything.

NOW: have been separated a year. I met a guy and kissed him 2 Saturdays ago. H knew about this man b/c I am and always have been honest. H had told me several times to move on and not wait for him. H was not giving me anything, so I guess I started to move on.

Told H about the kiss and now H says it is OVER OVER. That now that I have been "physical" with another, that he can't have anything to do with me.

I have tried to detach and let go - to no avail - I am not ready to be alone yet? I don't know.

I am low low low today thinking about my mom a lot and just very depressed.

Just need advice on what step to take next. where to go from here.

let me see if i understand this

you H has been having an affair for over a year

he left you

and you KISS another guy and he tells you that because of what YOU have done it's all over??

same crazy fog talk all WS use when things don't go their way

Alison ~

To start off, are you interested in trying to save your M?

If the answer is yes, then here are a few steps to get you started:

1. stop having anything to do with OM ~ at all. Not even close friendships. You're too vulnerable and it's going to mess things up for you all around.

2. Read up on and start implementing a really good Plan A.

3. Expose H and OW, now. Even "if" they're only friends ~ it's still an EA; but chances are, if it's been going on this long, it's a PA as well.

Start there...and keep coming back for help and support.

Good luck,
~MF

Hi Allison,

You've been an MB member nearing a year. Are you in Plan A or Plan B?

Jo

Let me see if I can reply to everyone here. I have done a great plan A - to no avail. Was a doormat to manipulative H.
Yes, I have "exposed" - did this about a year ago to family and friends.

He is still friends with her, and they will be working together again starting in february.

I would like very much to be in a solid Plan B, but just haven't had the strength/self-esteem/nerve to do it. My excuse for this is our DD - H is here all the time to see her. I have been setting more boundaries regarding this, but he still abuses it and me.

I do not see this man that I kissed as an OM. He is not even really in my life, but yes, I did kiss him. But I can give him up, no probelm, but why would I give this guy up - when according to H, our M is over? He actually said the other day, "our M was over the day after the wedding."

I feel H is using this kiss, to finally be able to use it as his "out". Not that he hasn't been out of our M for almost a year, but he has been quite adament about it...

Did I answer everything? I am not sure what to do at this point. It is tough because of our dd. He uses her as a pawn a lot - I feel he does it to keep me right where he wants me...

If you feel this way [bolded above], then why don't you file for divorce, because right now as it is you are still married.

Alison,
I'm sorry for what you've been thru. No one deserves to be betrayed and treated as badly as you have been, no one. But, if you are placing yourself in situations where you're kissing OM, then seems to me you are ready to move on. The kiss took two Alison, no one forced you, right?

That is correct Resilient, I guess I may have kissers remorse. I have been the one who has been fighting my butt off for this marriage, but H would never ever commit. He told me numerous times to move on, etc. Then when I do, H loses it and says VERY EASILY that it is over for him.

I feel he was just waiting for this. Just waiting for me to become so vulnerable. I did and now he can blame me yet again for the demise of our M.

And Please know Resilient - that when H has his affair - we were very married (not separeted) with a newborn daughter. In an M that I thought was amazing until I saw him with OW. And I know 2 wrongs don't make a right, but I was very honest about my kiss, while H has yet to admit any wrong doing on his part regarding friendship with OW. He blamed having/needing his frienship with OW on me...

I don't blame H for me kissing this guy. I allowed myself to do that, and I hold myself accountable, and at the time, I was and part of me still is reay to move on, but I do still love my H (not sure exactly why), but I do...

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. You are grieving right now, and it is NOT the time to be with another man. There is plenty of time for that.

Also please don't date UNTIL you are divorced. That is very important.

Sounds like you still very much love your husband. And I know how lonely you must be. BTDT.

If you decide to wait out your H's affair, then I say never place yourself in the position where you'll be vunerable to men. Avoid all those type situations. Additionally, make yourself a time line where you end Plan B and move on. Its your time line, you control it.

But, if you are done, then be done. You and your child deserve every happiness, and much much more. Its all up to you, but do it with grace and integrity. Don't follow his, your husband's, lead. Rise above that.

God bless,
Jo

I'm also terribly sorry to hear about your mom, Alison. That must be so hard for you, esp with a little one and your H being indifferent and not THERE for you. But instead treating you like the enemy.

You can make it thru this a stronger person. I see it all the time here, its just hard and takes all your emotional and intellectual committment. Lean on us. We're here to help.

Lv,
Jo

Alison, did you ever expose to the place where they both work?

Hi Resilient and Moveforward: My H's company was bought out before I could expose there. But I wanted to...

Resilient: Yes I love my husband very much. My deadline is December 22 - that is coming up. It has been my deadline for about 4 months, so to have kissed a man a month before, must mean I was ready.?

H knew/knows about this deadline, but I guess it won't come into play anymore b/c H says it is OVER.

I guess the hardest part for me right now is letting go emotionally of him. I still care, I am also still there for him when he needs me - or just needs a friend, and I feel I should take that away. Not to be rude, but if he wants to call a friend, then he should call OW - he chose her over me anyway...

Does anyone have any advice on small steps to letting go?? To detaching? Even when H and I will see each other because of DD. I need to let go - he is quite toxic to me and purposefully says things that he knows will hurt me. So I must let go for many reasons, but #1 is to not allow myself the be hurt...

So nothing really new going on here, but H is being sweet again to me. Not sure why.

Not speaking to the "other guy" anymore. Taking myself out of that for a while. I think I was very vulnerable when the kiss happened, and I was probably looking for any bit of acceptance. It happened, it's over, it won't happen again.

I am still trying to detach more emotionally. Any advice on that aspect? It is not necessarily that I want things to be over, but I want us both to have some space and time to heal or cool off or whatever.