Hello group and thank you for your time with me today.
I am in need of emergency help. This might be long, so I apologise upfront.
I discovered a booked airline ticket yesterday. After a bit of my own detective work, I found out H is going to India in Jan (He is from there).
He booked it on Nov 3 and still didnt tell me until I discovered it all on my own.
I called the airline with only the ticket # and they told me his whole itenerary. Lucky for me they cooperated.
My big issues here, are number one, the deception and the independent behavior.
I was NOT consulted about this.
Nor was I invited, included...nothing.
We have a 16 month old new son, and HE too was not even included in this vacation.
Part of me thinks I best call the airline again and place some sort of block or alert in such a case H tries to take the baby.
BUT....he doesnt want to take the baby.
He doesnt SEEM interested in taking either of us!
He wants to go see his family alone and without his new family in tow. and to come back to us when he is done with his fun.
For 2 years, I have endured H traveling for work every week away from home, only to be home on weekends...plus a rare week at home working from the local office ...but rarely.
I feel very uprooted by this. By not being valued enough to be included in a vacation. And not being told about his plans, to boot.
He gives very vague answers on why he has chosen this. Wishy-washy answers.
I am not entirely sure if his family just doesnt accept us ( I am white and american)...or if he is simply being selfish and independent and wants to behave like a single man.
We have had so many issues with his online porn viewing and chatroom frequents.
He is also guilty of telling me to abort my baby last year, but I ultimately miscarried it anyway <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I am still not over that mistreatment.
The online stuff just keeps happening, too. I keep finding it.
I cant install any kind of software, as his is a company puter, so I am left with the hard work of digging, which is never easy and time consuming, too...
I just have felt so many red flags...
Lately my gut feeling was alerted...he is so transparent...so, that is how I went on to discover his "hidden" vacation plans...I went on with the gut feeling and was lucky enought to discover it.
I feel VERY strongly this all of this is the tip of the iceburg over his decpetions.
Tonight, I straightforward asked, do you have any vacation plans I need to know about??? He had the balls to look me in the eye and say NO. I said bull, yes you do. He kept denying, denying...like the same denying you see with the porn crap....
I finally confronted his itenerary and asked why he LIED?? What is the purpose of it?? Geez!!!!!!!
I do feel loved, but at the same time, I see so many red flags that it negates any kind of love I feel from him.
I feel like I may be being deceived on a much higher level than I realize but I dont know how to get the answers I deserve without the software.
I am literally going nuts over this. This is an everyday struggle. I dont like how I feel with this man. I should be feeling peaceful...but I constantly feel strife.
I have no real job potential, so I feel VERY stuck. I want to leave, but dont know HOW. I want to live my life happy, not in constant confusion.
The sex still has not improved, either...he is still as uptight and not giving as ever. No satisfaction for me...ever. I pointed to his leg one day and said, lets say you have an itch there and asked me to itch it for you...but I always missed the part...I said that is how I feel...he just doesntseem to grasp the explanation of it; or seem to care if my itch is ever scratched..He says he wants to, but wont follow thru with the promises ever..sex is about his pleasure, always has been and I frankly feel he will never try.
If we go out to eat, he will sit in silence and focus on his food. I may as well be reading a book. I feel lonely out and about with him.
He does hold my hand a lot...not all the time, but he has improved on that.
He keeps only about $200 max in our joint account. I cant take enough out in emergency if I tried.
I do have ONE credit card he listed me under him...access to $22,000..but he questions a lot of times when I do use it.
I am worried I may be being set up. I want to believe my H married me out of love, but this doesnt feel like love. Love doesnt constantly have chaos and red flags to it.
I am the kind of person, too who become too paralyzed with anxiety to think clearly. I may say, Im gonna leave him...but I get paralyzed after the thought and am foggy on all the details it takes to make and follow thru with a plan. I become Immobilized and have brain fog worse than a huge cold would give a person.
I need someone to just spell out what they perceive what is going on in my life. I cant think straight. The constant I love yous, then behaviors like this...it is causing so much pain.
I wish there were divorce doulas...like birth doulas...who can come in, take charge of my situation and help me sort thru it all so I can actually function enough to move forward. Someone to give me tasks to do, people to go see...I am acting like a baby, look at me! I am ashamed of myself for not being able to get out of the fog all on my own....I am supposed to have my head on straight and know what I am doing...but i dont.
1st step...go see a lawyer...I got that one..but what happens the rest of the way of the journey?? For a mom with no work skills, no good credit to even rent an apartment.
I dont know what I am asking for.
Tell me what you think of his behaviors...and why you think those things. It may validate what i already suspect, but I have not been listening to myself. Maybe I need someone else to validate me so I have some sort of strength with it.
H always blames ME for being too upset all the time and he cant understand WHY I feel negative all the time...but, I think he deflects his behavior onto being somehow my fault.
I feel emotionally battered. Verbally battered with the lies and deception.
Sorry to ramble, I am exhausted with grief. I just lost my 32 year old brother last month, so I am in a whirlwind of emotions I cant seem to handle.
I wonder if H just wanted me to get a green card...well, he did get it in Sept....I am wondering if I should just leave now and be done with it. One day, I feel loved, then the next day I feel like ******....week in and week out. from the beginning...stupid me.
Thank you for your support and any words of wisdom.
Hugs, Emma

Why did you marry this person? What does he do that makes you feel loved? If I were you, I would start my own savings account that he does not know about. Go back to school so you can work. even if its just a quick 1 year certificate or something to give you some skills. You need to become independent, especially not knowing what the future holds. Take advantage of him being away, so you can plan these things.
I know what you mean about it driving you crazy. I am going through something similar with my husband. I am glad I have my own career becuase it enabled me to get away from him, otherwise Im sure Id feel worse than I already do. You never really escape the emotional part of it but Im glad I can stand up for myself and you should do the same.

He is a master manipulator....for everyone.
He tells you what you want to hear to appease you and shut you up...but, then he will go do his own thing his own way anyway. An ugly cycle.
I will look into something...perhaps massage therapy at this point...but get worried over my anxiety when I get overwhelmed.
Thanks for the response.

My husband is a lot like him. If your feeling anxious, have you though about seeing a counselor or getting on some medication? I had to go on medication myself, it helps alot. Theres also self help books which are helpful.

If you go talk to an attorney, you will know what your options are. That helps dissipate some of the fear. If he is working and making good money, and especially if you (or he) have some assets, you could probably come out of a divorce not so badly as you imagine. But, the important thing is to find out what your prospects are. So, don't guess, just do it.

There may be some cultural differences involved here. Do you know any of his Indian friends who might be sympathetic to your situation? Do you have a good relationship with his parents or siblings?

-AD

Where are your families located?

Do you have contact with his family? Are any of them nearby?

How well do you know them?

L.

What country are you located in? Does the baby have a passport? If so, get that passport and lock it away where H has no access to it. I can only speak about what I know about US law. Father cannot apply for a US passport for a minor without the consent and approval of the mother. You either have to be there in person or have a very compelling and well documented explanation as to why not. Father cannot get a "secret" passport for baby in the US. US airlines will not allow father to take baby out of the US without a notarized letter from Mom giving permission. The heightened restrictions in the US make it almost impossible to travel outside the country without a passport. Airlines are pretty strict about this but sometimes make mistakes.

Of course H could get a "fake" notarized letter of consent which would relieve the airline of all responsibility. There is also a way around the airline's security procedure which I found out about by accident and I won't post here.

The passport is your best line of defense. If H has the baby's passport and won't give it to you, report it as "lost". He will need your help to replace it.

US immigration law is pretty strict and, among other things, is designed to prevent parents from "kidnapping" children. If you are in another country, check with immigration in your country to see what your options are.

Thank you everyone for the help so far.
My deepest fear of a kidnapping is now tamed. Thank you for letting me know about the strict restrictions regarding that.
Yes, I am ready to seek an attorney for an initial consulting.
What papers will I need to gather up for him?? I dont want to go in and be unprepared and then have to pay for a second visit. I want to go in prepared enough to get a decent idea of what I am entitled to.
I think this will be a very unhappy xmas.
Thanks for the support,
Emma

Call your lawyer's legal assistant and ask what you need to bring. They should be able to prepare you for your initial appointment.

Emma - You must still be in shock from your brother's death. I'm so sorry for your loss. That on its own is a lot to deal with.

Is it possible that your husband has to keep such tight control on the money because he is supporting another family back in India?

It is possible, but I highly doubt it..
BUT, he could be secretly getting married for all I know to an Indian woman to appease and make his parents happy??
I dont know what to think at this point>
All I know is this trip was hidden, planned, kept in secret for some time...but I was smart enough to catch it.
He still plans on leaving for his trip on schedule.
As for me, I am creating my own plans...
Bottom line message I get here, is I think he is ashamed and embarrassed of his own wife and kid to bring to his country.
How can I live with a man who is ashamed of his own kid??
He wont admit to it, but that is what I suspect...
other than getting married again...what else would be a useful explanation??
Unless his parents refuse me and the baby...perhaps that, too...but he should be man enough to say tough loogie-doogies mommy...either accept my wife and kid as a part of our family or I aint coming to visit you! Simple!!
Can you all hear the discust I feel??
Sorry, I needed to vent.
Thank you for the help so far, everyone...I dont feel so alone here and that means a lot to me.
Emma

Call his parents...
ASK them if you & child are welcome in their home

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

then just listen
try not to say much yourself
just ask questions

that might give you more of a feel for what is going on

Pep