Another problem we have is I think my boyfriend's attracted to my sister.

She has confessed (drunk) that she finds him attractive, and she is very pretty. Actually, I come from a very attractive family and husband/boyfriend attractions to cousins, etc. has always been a problem.

Some insight from men would really help here. My boyfriend insists that he would never cheat, but I have trust issues.

BackAgain,

I'm a man but I don't think you need the insight of a male. You need the insight of someone who is going to point you to the root of your issues --- YOU.

Your posts glean out your issues with your own insecurities. Your fear of him leaving you for an attractive woman (your lack of trust and self-esteem), your insecurities surrounding his lack of a high libido somehow having something to do with your attractiveness.

I would suspsect that much of your behavior is impacted by these thoughts. And that you are giving off some vibes to him that are somewhat unattractive. It's possible he wants a strong, confident woman who realizes his libido issues are about him and not her. It's possible you're giving off the appearance of a insecure, jealous GF.

I can't answer whether or not you should break off your engagement with your fiance. I do see your clashing libidos being something of importance and I think you need to come to some type of conclusion on how this will work if you two decide to marry. Discuss frequency and what he feels is acceptable to him. Then you tell him what your comfort level is.

In the meantime work on your insecurities. It's possible the libido issue will change some if you eliminate things that are lovebusters to him.

Work on how you initiate intimacy. It sounds like he's a little put off by extremely aggressive women so find subtle little ways/techniques to initiate. Sometimes just being open and upfront about your desires will have a positive affect. Granted it might not be the spontaneous, romantic approach to sex but you have to find ways to make it work ... for both of you.

Have you read the Basic Concepts? Have you ever discussed the basic concepts of MB with him? Have you had open discussions about your top ENs and what you'd like from your H? You aren't married so now is a great time to have these kinds of talks. Now is a great time to instill in your R some real working behaviors.

Develop open and radically honest communication (PORH). This will help to explore what you both desire (ENs) and don't want in your R (LBs).
Develop negotiating skills so you two work together to always find the win-win in any given situation (POJA).

Your fiance is in a band. And I see that puts him in positions where his faithfulness can be tempted. If you develop these working behaviors you and him can discuss ways (PORH, POJA) that he can have his band and you can have your sense of security in him and the R.

Good luck and congratulations on your engagement.

PS: There's a ton more traffic in the Emotional Needs section of this site and issues such as yours are heavily discussed there. You don't need to hang in the smaller sections that seem to fit your situation. If you want more feedback move on over to EN. This forum is open for you to post where you wish.

Mr. Alias -

Thank you for your post.

I was thinking that my insecurity possibly has a bad affect on our relationship (including sex) and it was good to hear someone sense that and bring it up.

I am very insecure and it has had not only a bad affect on my relationship, but on my social life as well. I developed these insecurities after I caught my first husband with another woman and I've really had a hard time getting rid of them.

I love my boyfriend very much - and I see potential in this relationship. I will try to work on these various insecurities and we'll see what happens.

You are a splendid, complete person. You know that right?

You speak of your fear of your fiance leaving/cheating on you. Are there other insecurities as well?

I know this is going to sound like a lecture and you've probably told yourself the very same things but I think it needs to be stated so you can gain some focus.

The fact your H decided to cheat on you had nothing to do with your value. It may have something to do with the dynamics of your R. (i.e. you weren't meeting his needs and your reasoning could be you were unaware). But his decision to cheat only speaks of his flawed character not of yours. This doesn't define you in any way so please don't try to own that. Sure it may speak of some non-working R behaviors you may have but with a little education those can easily be fixed. Heh, I'm still working on all my bad behaviors.

May I offer a suggestion? If you aren't seeing an IC (individual counselor) could you look into finding one? Or if you are interested I know of a great friend (found her here at MB) who does Life Coaching (I'm using her myself) and could help you a lot with your insecurities.

If you really don't have the resources to look into these than could you at least post your story over on the Emotional Needs section? There are so many great people there that will help you with more than just R issues. You'll get some great insight and tools to help you fell better about yourself which in turn will help in all your Rs.