My marriage wasn't a thing of beauty, I guess, but we had been through much and many things financially were improving.

I love my wife more than when we feel in love, which was a whirlwind. W however began falling out of love 3 or 4 years ago and never communicated much too me.

My W has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder, alchohlism, bulemia, and has been depressed since leaving her close family with me when I was transferred 6 months after we met.

I discovered the EA through cell phone bills. OM is a co-worker.

W had ended the affair 2 days earlier citing OM was not going to leave his family so it had to end.

My wife is a great mother to my disabled D and has the biggest heart of any person I've ever met. She is also the most stunningly beautiful woman I have ever seen.

She also has the most poor self esteem and thinks she is worthless, stupid, and ugly.

She says I've been a wonderful provider but do to my neglect in the marriage and our 11 year age difference she thought of me more like an older brother now.

I immediately bought Relationship Rescue and we both went through the book until the reconnecting part at which time she shut down. We had gone through 3 weeks of tears and her telling me she loved me but had no intimate or sexual feelings towards me.

She decided to visit her family in another state to recharge. After her return I went into the adding to the love bank mode and she said I was doing and being perfect, but still no feelings.

Through Thansgiving and another book, After the Affair and the same results. More talk about the R and more DJ from me on how she should look at things. More tears routinely. She drinking has continued to get much worse in the last 2 weeks from what she says is her guilt and having to look at the pain in my face. I think its mostly guilt as I've been trying to stay in control of my feelings. Some success.

A few days ago after she had been drinking she said maybe we should separate so she could decide on wheather she wanted to work on the marriage or just live alone, as she can't stand the pressure of an R. Typical with the Borderline Disorder.

The next night after more drinking she confessed that she had had a conversation with OM 2 weeks earlier. First contact in 6 weeks.

If I understand the Harley's concept, I can't add to the love bank if the isn't NC. Also withdraw will not begin for the same reason.

She doesn't want to quit her good paying job because if we end up D, she says she will need the income.

She also says if we end up D she wants to stay the best of friends and be a part of my D life.

Where do I go with the lack of NC, the separation, and the continued R talk? She instigates much of it, but I can't seem to get over trying to fix things.

I hope I haven's screwed up things beyand repair.

Decided I would spend the week away with limited contact. She seemed very ok with that. Says she doesn't know how long it would take to make a decision on seperation. Just wants to get a few days apart and get through the holidays

W read the Infidelity section of Her Needs, His Needs last night and now understands NC. Says that in the discussion with OM, he would try to transfer. Only problem is OM would be transferring to a building accross the street from our driveway at home.

W has told me it hurts to even see his car, which she would everyday.

Now what?

Welcome to marriagebuilders. You have several strikes against you. Your wife has been diagnosed with BPD which is extremely hard to deal with, and she is also drinking.

The Harley's say that it is impossible to recover a marriage while there is active substance abuse.

She wants you to spend time away so that she can CONTINUE her affair.

Thanks for your response Believer.

W says she wants to have me away for a few days to relieve the P and stop drinking. W says she really wants to stop but with our R where it is, is very difficult.

W emailed yesterday and having read the previous night from HNHN's said she felt strongly about working things out and thanked me for giving her a few days to do some reading.

W said in email that she knows we should be together and expects to.

I know she will always have probles coping unless she stops the alchohol. Can this be done WHILE in withdraw from A and during recovery?

Should I draw the boundary after the holiday's that she must leave her job with NC or she is making the decision to separate?

Thanks for your response Believer.

W says she wants to have me away for a few days to relieve the P and stop drinking. W says she really wants to stop but with our R where it is, is very difficult.

W emailed yesterday and having read the previous night from HNHN's said she felt strongly about working things out and thanked me for giving her a few days to do some reading.

W said in email that she knows we should be together and expects to.

I know she will always have probles coping unless she stops the alchohol. Can this be done WHILE in withdraw from A and during recovery?

Should I draw the boundary after the holiday's that she must leave her job with NC or she is making the decision to separate?

--------------------
BS 43
WS 32
Together 8+
Married 2+
DD 10-10-06
Status still very early I hope

Please post on General Questions II. There is way more help over there, and you need some experts.

Sunsetter:

Have you exposed the A to the OM's Wife?

You need to kill the A. It didn't end two days before discovery. That's wishful thinking on the WS's part.

It may make your W crazy angry with you, but you need to do it.

Get the NC letter sent as well.

And there is more help on general questions II

LG

Thank you. I'll do that.

Thanks for the post LG.

Actually the OMW had suspisions earlier than I did. My W called and left the we have to stop this message on his voicemail(cell). His wife retrieved it and called my W back.

Again, all this is coming from my W, but her story seems about right. Calls went from 8 a day to none, but they did occationly see each other at work.

I called the OM and told him to work on his own marrige and stay NC with my wife on 10-24.

No cell calls were made and the company is monitoring email. Contact now can be company phone, which had been used some and physical contact on the job.

OMW wants him to transfer if W doens't quit. He had similar EA last winter his wife questioned my wife about. My wife hadn't started working there yet so it wasn't her.

The OM slim, said he was not leaving his kids and was going to work on his marriage.

The contact took place just after Thanksgiving. They discussed there current married life and he told her about his wife wanting the transfer. Only problem there is his new location is 200 yards from our front door. Clear line of site.

I will see if I can move my thread to GCII.

Thank you