I found out two wks ago that WH is in another EA/PA. This is his second affair- the first was 5 yrs ago. Both have been with coworkers. In an attempt to understand whether he realizes the pain he is causing me all over again by hiding his second affair I asked him, " Before you started this second affair 6 mo ago did you stop to think thru the consequences? Giving up a 20 yr marriage, our home, being with your 3 kids everyday, our faithful golden retriever Digby ??? His answer- " I thought thru the consequences of what could happen and I decided to go right ahead." He stated it matter of factly to me as if he was reading it off a page. Of course I was completely devastated- not only at his answer but at the cold detached way he delivered it. Have you had a similar experience- that you thought you were in a marriage with similar goals and all of a sudden you find out your spouse views you like gum on their shoe? I am reeling from what he said believe me- and yet he says he was 'just trying to be honest with me."

During the time the affair goes on behind your back, the WS is slowly building a case that rationalizes what they are doing. Every argument you have, no matter how trivial, every perceived sleight, no matter how insignificant, contributes to a case against you and for continuing the affair. By the time you discover the affair, there is already a pretty sizeable laundry list of grievances against you and the marriage.

Since all this was kept secretly from you, it comes as a big surprise when you see an attitude from your spouse that you never expected to see. An infatuation with the OP doesn't help either.

I am no longer surprised at anything a cheating spouse will say or do.

If and when your husband breaks up with the OP, you will likely hear a different tune.