Well, over 2 weeks into my sobriety I found out through e-mail and phone records. (She's been hiding the bills and I went online.).

Here is an e-mail:

____________________________________________________________
Hey x,

I lost my phone, which has everyone's number in it, so call me since I do not know the number!

take care,

~steve~


----- Original Message ----
From: >
Sent: Thursday, October 26, 2006 10:13:02 PM
Subject: Re: hi


Cool. I am excited. I remember your voice and our conversation and that you wore glasses and have blonde hair - other than that I feel like this is like a blind date! I dont know anything about you, but I like your style.........you said all the right things.
Have a great trip.......I'll try to reach you this weekend.
__________________________________________________________

I discovered this e-mail 3 days after it was sent 2 mos ago. I confronted her and she said it was a job interview she was hooking up for. I met this guy and played POOL WITH HIM! I accepted the lame excuse. I called him and he said he kknew nothing of her and that he did't lose his phone.

Saturday I went online to check her cell recs.

She calls him 3-4 times a week and I could not see incoming calls.

I confronted her and she said she's over it and she's done with my drama. Said I sabotaged her and ****** her over for the last time. I said well what about my feeling ****** over with you having an EA with this guy. She said she does not care if I feel ****** over. Double standard I guess.

She's done with me and said she wants me out.

I said I need my house and my daughters and I'm not leaving. I want to improve myself as I've been doing in AA and continue to keep my house and be the best Daddy I can.

She said I've been gone for 4 years with my alcoholism and that I've been having an affair with the drink. This has helped her justify what she does.

I asked "don't you think you carrying on with another man is inappropriate"....she said "I don't care".

This looks hopeless now.

DF, go into Plan A and don't leave your house. Sadly, she is right about your affair with alcohol. It is no excuse for her affair, though.

Who is this guy? Is he married? If so, I would call his wife. Afterwards, I would call him and ask him to knock it off.

I know thisis a rough time for you, but you need to make sure you stay away from the drink now more than ever.

Yep. It would have defeated me already. I'm past looking to alcohol to sole ANY proble. If it were 4 weeks ago, I'd be in the bottle over this.

I don't know but I assume he's single. He is now part of her forwarding broadcast joke e-mail strings.

I have been reading through this site, so I assume you know what to do. Let her no that this relationship is crossing your boundaries and you are not okay with it. Start executing a good plan A. You are going to have to do some investigation and figure out who the OM is. Then you need to expose to her family, friends, (work if the OM is a coworker), and OM's family or significant other. I know this sucks, but my WW agreed NC with OM FIVE DAYS AFTER EXPOSURE! You need to confront this with the same resolve as you did your alcoholism. It sucks having to deal with both at once, but you are partially responsible for the state of your marriage, so you need to buck up and get through this if you want to save your family.

Problem is that she does not care that it's crossing my boundry.

You can still attempt to enforce it. Don't let her walk all over you. She may not care if she is crossing your boundary, but she may care what others think of her. The OM may not even know she is married, or may have a significant other of his own. This is where exposure comes in. You have to fight a battle now on two fronts.

He knows she's married.

Do his parent's know? He was pissed when I told his parents. They were pretty strict, and did NOT like his involvement with my WW, and they let him know that. That was one of the major factors that contributed to the end of the A.

How would I find out who his parent are??

Do you know who OM is? You can find anything on the internet. It takes just a little investigating (or a credit card number and 50 bucks) to get anything on anybody. You emailed me, so now I know your name. I bet you I could tell you your parents names, where they live, every address you have ever lived at, your social security number, and convictions you've ever had, how much debt you have, the names of your children, and where they go to school all within 30 minutes if you give me $50.

She wants me out for 3 months otherwise she will file for divorce. She says her texting is just "friendly" and no attration is there. 194 text messages to him in 1 month. This is obsessive.

Plan A calls for separation. Is this correct?

Sober day 17.

No. Plan B is seperation. Plan A is about exposure to put pressure on WS to end the affair, and about making improvements in yourself to make you the more attractive choice to your WS.

Tell her you're not going anywhere. And let her know that you're not willing to discuss divorce. PERIOD.

If she chooses to leave, that's up to her. But you aren't leaving.

But she will file right now if I refuse to move. I'm done either way. She said she'll move out, but I don't want her away from the kids.

Hopefully the MC will back up the stay home idea. Right now, she gives me no choice.

Do you know the content of their texts?

I've heard about SIM card readers that let you download the text messages -- $20 at Radio Shack.

How do you know that he knows she's married?
If you are taking your wife's word on that, don't!
She's lying to protect her affair.

The fact that I'm insecure and looked into her stuff is her last straw. This would take it a step further.

She also deletes her in/out mssgs immidiately after reading/sending.

Well, she probably has some valid "straws" but hiding an affair isn't one of them.

Don't you think you are entitled to know what you are up against?

That's what all WSs say to continue to allow them to have their affair undisturbed. Don't fall for it. You need to do some research and exposure if you want to stay married. I assume you do because you just started taking those steps just a few weeks ago. My WW spewed the same drivel.