She refuses to stop contact with OM, and says that he's only a freind. 20 texts per day average between them.

Last night, more discussions on how I'm insecure, snooping , untrusting and jealous. She wants a separation, on her terms. She wants to do whatever she wants and not answer anything to me. I told her I love her, am not leaving and want to work things out. No positive response from this, just how defficient I am and how I sabotage her life. Later I said "if anyone leaves you can, but not me. I'm here to save my marriage."

This morning she called her Dad. Except Dad came back on her and said "What you are doing is wrong, inaapropriate and the s%&$ has to Stop." She then said to him "That's typical H, trying to make me look bad to make him feel better because he's insecure and can't handle I have a guy friend." He stated she was wrong and needed to end it. WW hung up on her Dad.

She called me crying (fist time in mos) "You As$$h013, you are so self centered, I hate you ...I hate you." and hung up.

What a day so far.....

We have counseling this afternoon.....oh a joy!

Did the exposure part work correctly? This sounds like a classic response here.

Good, your FIL is on your side. That is always an effective weapon. If I were you, I would talk to him and explain your situation in more detail. Tell him you are devoted to his daughter and made the decision to clean up your life. Tell him you appreciate him not being supportive of her affair.

Whatever you do, do not allow her to separate on her terms. I did that, and things got almost past the point of no return. My WW went from liking OM as a friend, to blowing up with a full blown affair, being "in love" with him, and wanting to leave me. Only then did I find the wonderful website and stand up for myself. I make good money and she was going to be forced to the streets paying for all her own bills if she was going to continue the A on me.

You have lurked on these boards enough to know that this is the classic response. Tell me more about your situation. Is your WW a SAHM? I know I am more militant than most, but I would delete his number, cancel her phone, block his number on my landline, block his email address, and almost about anything else that would prevent her from having continued contact with him. I'd even call him up and tell him not to **** with my wife. Most OM are p*ssies who would run away at such confrontation.

My FIL knows the story and knows my progress and dedication. What is a SAHM?

SAHM = Stay At Home Mother

Make sure you don't apologize to her for exposing..

She was for 4 years until 3 weeks ago. She works as a loan officer 12-8pm. She now has some freedom from it all.

I spoke to the OM very nicely told him that I love my family wife, DD's etc and that I'm working really hard at saving my marriage.

He said he understands what it looks like, and has even said to her it looks bad should you stop calling. He also said he has not interest and there's not love or emotional connection. He offered to back off and stop communication.

He was so forthcoming I said no, I'm not here to sabotage any of her friendships, I'm here to save the marriage, and I wanted to get a feel for who he was and we talked longer (25 min.) about life etc. I also wanted him to know me and what I'm tryong to do in case she has been telling things about me that are not true. He offered to stop repeatedly, but I know the wrath of that would be coming from wife as me detroying her life and friends. My interference was a bit misdirected, but I still feel it looked WRONG all around. OM agreed and said he has also said to her maybe she shouldn't contact him with H not being good with it.

She has been stuck in our circle of friends with my interferance and she finally had someone she could unload on where they were not biased by me, but now I've tainted that too. I don't care because I know I did the right thing in protecting my marriage with this investigation. I know she has not seen him, she simply has no time and he's 250 miles away.

After she discovered i called, she sent this:

"Would it just be easier if I went out and had an affair and then told you and then you could call the guy and everyone he knows and tell everyone we know and then I’ll be the bad guy? Your primary concern is me cheating and you are consumed with the prospect of that happening. Call XXX call him call him call him call him – YOU ARE OFF THE MARK IN SUCH A BIG WAY and I so resent you for it."

We had counseling yesterday. We have a plan and are sticking to it for 30 days and see what happens. Her issues are with some personality traights and behaviors I have that need to change.

I also discovered yesterday that she is going into tests for kidney failure.

Tell your wife that she's placing her "friendship" above the needs of her marriage to you...and THAT is what makes that relationship an "affair".

When the "friendship" is more important than the marriage, and/or when any aspect of it is kept from the spouse, it's an affair, plain and simple. SF has nothing to do with it.

Here's where you made your mistake. You SHOULD have asked him to cool the friendship and back off...because it IS destroying your marriage. It's entirely possible he LIED to you about it to keep you off track. OR he told the truth...but that doesn't negate the damage that friendship is having on your marriage.

How about asking your wife to put all outside 'friendships' on hold for the next 30 days, and work on her "friendship" with YOU? Don't tell her to get rid of them (yet)...but ask her to change her focus from those relationships to her relationship with you? See if you can get your counselor to go along with that...and then use that as the basis for doing an EN's questionnaire and the 15 hours/week concepts? If you can get her to really do that for a month, you stand a good chance of getting somewhere with her.

See if that idea might float with your MC and her. Again, make it a 30 day offer...but she's got to STICK to the agreemant of focusing on JUST the marraige for that length of time.

Good call. I told OM that if it was needed in the future I'd call him to back off. He actually already has, and it's piising off the wife. The funny thing is it's his call, he's decreasing contact already. He also said he's divorced with kids, miserable and would not do it over again if he had the chance and no way does he ever want to hurt anyone else's marriage and children, so his morality is getting the best of him, especially after identifying with me and my position.

Wife said she thinks I've destroyed this friendship.

I'll keep an ear out, but with my AA progress I can't be dominated by fear anymore.

Also, the MC cuts me off when I bring up my fear of affair in this situation, and points out that my wife is not even in recovery yet from my 8 year affair with alcohol. Plus, that if she were to have an affair, she probably would have done it long ago.

Can anyone say "hit like a ton of bricks!". I pretty much shut my trap after that.

Get a new MC, or talk to him/her in private. Show the MC your proof.

I need to let this drop for now. I feel I've done my best so far and am continuing to LB her with all this.

Yes I have proof, proof of contact, so what it's been established, but what is that going to do? The MC knows what's going on and we both like her.

If it's not to be, it's not to be. I need to accept the things I can't change right now and change the things I can. Right now I need to work on me because I CAN change that.

I'll be alright if it goes south, but in improving myself, i'm improving my marriage too. We have set boundries, and are working that plan. Diverting from it shows no trust in this process and my wifes word that there is no love intrest here.

I believe in affair exposure and I've done enough for now.

I truly believe there is nothing to worry about right now and I need that serenity for my progress. 24 days sober is nothing....the struggle is starting with me coping with life issues wo alcohol.

11-20-07

ThursMorning: Fight. My friend and neighbor told my wife some of our conversation about her night out Wednesday. My comments were mostly about how seedy the joint was....and yes i've been there....to play pool and drink a couple of times.

I went to the doc to draw blood, came home at about 9am and W rips into me about my insecurity and had a twist on my conversation! My friend had told her everything I SAID!
I went to work. Called him and let him have it. He broke the unwritten guy code, especially when he knows how crappy the situation is, he deliberately told her!!!

Nice "friend". He's a practicing alcoholic, who I really don't hang out with anymore, but see him on the street in front of our houses as neighbors more than I visit them anymore. W spends lots of time over there with his W. Maybe he's irritated at me?

PM: Come back from AA mtg at 9:30 pm. W looks irritated still, and then asks me if I called OM again today. I was kind of schoked and asked why? She was "just checking", kept looking away and that was that.

Later on that night, after we had a nice intimate 2 hours cuddling/holding on the couch,(Started by just hugging her from behind in kitchen) she told me OM has not called or returned any calls since I talked to him Tuesday AM. I had even told OM that he could continue his relationship w my wife!! I even told W I would call him and say it's cool, but W said "no...it's no big deal."

He must have some morality because HE could see he was a problem for me. Telling him of my efforts to save my marriage helped him remember what he's lost in his D. He said he'd never D if he had the chance to do it over again, and does not want to be a person causing ANY problems between W and me. (We talked for a while when I originally called) I had told OM how much I love my family, yet he could continue to contact her, but he has chosen not to. He is not even responding to her.

A little reverse psychology worked wonders here.

12-23-07

Friday night. I go to AA at 8pm-9:30pm. Before leaving W says she'll hook up w/ me after I get back and maybe go out...(she was on her way to go last minute stocking stuffer shopping w/ friend (neighbor on street).

I return at 9:50 and she's still out. Receive text mssg at 10:25 "Having a drink w/ (Her Girlfriend), trunk full of toys, be back soon..." I return mssg with "Call me if u need a ride" She replies "OK".

1:45 AM text mssge "I'm drunk at X, come get the car if you are still up"....I go to X's and W is with her eating fast food. They tell stories about the night....then talk about the bartender that night, and X says "did he text you or me first?" I don't react, even tough I just heared another new guy is commiunicating and has her number and was texting when they were in the drive thru!

I hang with a smile and focus on listening. W's phone gets 2 more mssg notifications she checks and responds to as I stand there. W's friend makes sure she says how cute the bartender was. I knew it was Mr. bartender or someone else texting her now, since the original OM had cut contact on his own accord! She now immediately had to get new ones, and had to let me know!

11-24-07 Next Morning:

I go about my day, and she asks..."what's wrong? You seem po'd?" I just smile and say "nothing" and try and change my look because I was mad. She knew EXACTLY what I was angry about! And the nerve to ask WHAT as the matter??....uggh!

I realized then and there she was playing me, trying to hurt me all the while knowing that the couselor said i could not call to check on her when she was out with friends. She wanted me to explode with jealousy.

Part of my next 30 days per the MC is a not to do list. Don't call her while going out on the town, and no calls when she's at work. I kept my side that evening as tough as it was. Her baiting me that we might go out together then not, then texting she's on the way home soon, then staying out, then coming home and communicating with other men she'd just met did not phase me as far as she could tell!!! That night all I did was tell her to call if she needed a ride....the typical me checking in on her did not show up that night.

She was pouring it on and seeing how I would react. She wanted me to EXPLODE with jealousy! At this point I was resolved mentally to just let her go. I did.

Later that evening her mother called. Her father is out of town with his mother who is hospitalized and could die at any time. MIL has a rough conversation with W and calls FIL. FIL calls W and chews her out for being disrespectful. W tells me the story, I go to the store and call MIL to offer support and help for x-mas dinner since FIL is not home for xmas. MIL breaks down and I tell her that I've lost her (W) too and I'm there for her in any way.

MIL calls W back after that, again and just rips her a new one about her self centeredness, uncaring, cold and caluos way she treats EVERYONE. MIL says she won't be coming for xmas. I arrive back home.

W breaks down. I hold her and she cries for 10 minutes. She exclaims "I'm so sorry. I don't know why I do it.....I'm sorry I've been mean, disprespectful and inconsiderate of you."

I tell her I forgive her and that I partly made her that way because she had to deal with an alcoholic for 7 years. She said her mother made her like that. I tell her I love her, and she says she doesn't know why I do. I tell her why. I say I'll never leave or hurt her and I love her more than ever.

Things changed dramatically for the 2 days after this. X-mas eve was great, X-mas better and today has potential! She's engaging with me, comes to me to hold me, holds my hand, kisses me and I feel great now.

I know we still have issues, and I still need to deal with why her rebellion is so great with the MC, but I think I'm seeing progress. I know my changes are for good, and am hopeful we can still go on together....in love.

I'll keep you updated.

Day 31

While I'm glad that things seem to be improving, I don't agree with your MC. MCs can be extremely damaging to your relationship, and I would not be okay with the list your MC gave you, especially after your WW's recent behavior. I would look into getting a different MC, one who believes in Dr. Harley's principles, because not MB counselor would ever go for something like the list that you were given. Don't let a bad MC do damage to your marriage.

Other than that, you are doing quite well, but that would be my advice. I'm glad that you ILs are on your side, it can be a tremendous help. Keep up the good work.

The MC is in tune with AA and works with a lot of alcoholics. I was pretty much stymied out of the gates because of this. As things progress I think she will see the behavior. Right now I'm a recovering drunk to her and in her mind incapable of working on a relationship for at least 6 mos.

I'll go with this. It keeps things non threatening and I'm good with it for now.