I recently discovered that my husband has been having cell phone conversations with his friend's wife numerous times a day almost every day for at least the past 6 months. He claims that they have never had a sexual relationship and that all they did was "talk". He claims that they discussed her marital problems and their families. However, neither her husband nor I knew anything about this relationship.

I discovered this relationship after looking into seriously increasing cell phone bills. I confronted him and he maintains, after repeated questioning, that "all they did was talk". There are so many things that don't make sense. Why was it a secret from me if it was so innocent? Why did he make calls to her when we were away for the weekend and I didn't know about it? Why did he make calls when we were hosting birthday parties for each of our children? The most frequent answer I get is "I don't know".

I asked him to call her and end the relationship. The calls had been daily up to the day that I confronted him. That was 3 1/2 weeks ago. Since then, her calls have practically stopped. I listened to 2 voicemails left by her and they are pathetically innocent...one even asking "how you GUYS have been". He has made numerous calls to her in my presence which was at my request so I could hear the conversation. Funny how she now does not answer her phone and rarely returns his calls. I've asked him not to leave a message because I want to hear him tell her personally. He says that he has not contacted her but I find it very hard to believe considering the circumstances since my confrontation.

I have contemplated exposing the relationship to her husband several times but am so unsure if I should. My husband says that she tells him her husband beats her. Who knows if it's true. He doesn't want me to tell the husband for fear that he will beat her. I would not want to be the cause of that, however, I don't feel an obligation to protect her at this point. My real fear, however, is that this man is a hunter and owns weapons. I don't know him well enough to know if he really is a violent person.

I feel that in order for me to move on he must know. Otherwise, there is no one on her end to make sure the relationship is not rekindled. I don't know if she was honest about the abuse to get my husband's attention or if he made it up so that I would not contact him or if it's true. I'm stuck in a deep vat of pain and don't know where to go from here. Please help.

Hi - I could have written almost the same exact post as you did, but in my case it was my wife with the cell phone, and in her case it did lead to a physical relationship. I stopped it by reporting what was going on to his wife, and by calling his local Pastor - he pretends to be a religious man and tried to get my wife to convert to his religion. When I confronted her she said she would stop, but kept talking to him. She changed the contact list on her cell phone so that it looked like she was talking to a woman friend when she was really talking to him. When I saw the next phone bill full of calls to/from him, I confronted her again and she again said she would stop. A day later I saw a new cell phone in her handbag - the guy had bought her a new phone so that I could not track her calls. This was when I contacted his wife, who was not happy. My wife denied that she had a phone from him until I called the phone's number and got her voicemail greeting, after which she called me paranoid for checking up on her. Make no mistake, an 'emotional' affair hurts as much as a physical affair. Emotional intimacy *will* lead to physical intimacy. My wife and I are in counseling, but the trust is gone for me. I wish you better luck.

If you want to get past this, you will have to inform OWH. He will likely put an end to these calls. After that, NC must be established. You must then focus on meeting each others ENs. If you don't fix the problems in your marriage you will face this situation later on. Don't sweep it under the rug. Read up on everything Dr. Harley has on this forum. If you have further questions, repost this in the General Questions II forum as there is much more traffic there.

Again, if you want this to stop, YOU MUST TELL OWH! Otherwise this WILL lead to a PA down the line. Don't wait until it is too late. Repeated contact will hurt your marriage. NC is essential.

Thank you both so much for your posts. Right now, I feel like I have no support except you. I have only told one friend before now and I just hurt so much. I don't know why I feel that it should be kept secret. I guess I don't know what kind of reactions to expect. I am going to take your advice about telling her husband as soon as I figure out how and get up the nerve to possibly destroy his world. I will also repost on Gen Questions II for more support. Thanks for being there for me.

Would you tell someone if they had a potentially fatal (but curable) disease?

YOU aren't destroying his world, they are. You do have the knowledge to identify the disease so all involved can work on the cure. No one likes to be told they have cancer, but what are the consequences if they aren't (told)?