I was reading in another post that Dr. Harly says that if a person cheats within the first year of marriage that you should just let go and cut your losses because it is a sign of things to come. Is that true? We have been married only a little over a year and he has been gone with the ow for the last two months and has introduced her to his kids so from mb perspective is this all washed up?

Don't know but.........
My STBX cheated in first year. We've been married almost ten and have had lots of problems the entire time. He has cheated at least twice and I believe 4 or more times.

Sorry to hear about your sitch.

Anika, I have heard him say this but I can't remember where. I believe the thinking is that you should cut your losses before the marriage gets more entrenched legally, ie: children, mortgages, etc.

Do you think he would be a good father and a good husband? You had mentioned that he beat up his last wife and abused his children. Sure doesn't sound like someone I would want to father my children.

As hard as it is in almost every case I have heard of like this it seems that the Wayward is or has the tendencies to be a serial cheater, has an addictive personality, is narcissitic, etc...

There is no way I would invest in this man short of serious MC and IC aimed at why he has done the things he's done not only to you but his first wife as well. You deserve better than to awake 10 years from now with a serial cheater and abuser.

Anika,

Firstly, I am sorry that you find yourself in the place, but you have come to the right forum. There are many people here who can help.

As your marriage is not long, I wouldn't suggest investing too much further into recovery. I know that the pain of infidelity hurts and I know that you would like nothing more than WH coming back to you in complete remorseful regret, but I wouldn't expect that. As MelodyLane asked, can you take some time to detach further and REALLY look at your sitch. Is this man going to be a good husband and father? Does his past and present match, in other words, is this his 'normal' behavior in relationships? I would seriously consider moving along, looking into yourself to find what has brought YOU to this place, and work on healing and learning about boundaries and about self-worth. These can be great tools for YOUR future.

Again, these things are YOUR choices, we are just here to advise. Look, my friends and family have pointed out to me that if WH and I did not have a child together, I would have been gone by now. I KNOW they are right. I would have suffered great loss, as my M is almost 10 years in now, but if my WH actions followed the same course, I would have been gone by now, on my own path to recovery.

BTW, I AM on a path to recovery, but Plan B is a bit like limbo.

Anika,
I hate the situation you find yourself in. I had a similar situation and ignored the red flags. My H was married twice before. Cheated on first wife. Second marriage lasted 1.5 years; divorced over stepkid issues.

I hid the A. Didn't know about MB. Prayed that no one would ever find out what he had done. I was so ashamed. It wasn't my fault but I thought if I had been a better wife it wouldn't have happened. WRONG.

I believe I'm married to a serial cheater. He never got help. He refused counseling. We had a few months at a time when things were good but, looking back, there was more bad than good.

You might want to step back and look at what you have w/this man. You don't have kids together so you can cut your loses and move on w/o ever having to be around him again.

Do what I have been unable to do......try to use your head and not your heart to evaluate your situation and make a decision.