Expecting kids at noon. Well, that's when they're supposed to be here, but I know that they will be late, because the SCQ can't do anything on time. At about 12:30, I look at my cell phone.

TM from the SCQ at 10:30 saying that she is at Aunt's in LA with parents, and is it okay if the kids aren't back at noon.

So, it's fine that she spent some extra time with her relatives, but the not telling me ahead of time when it was completely predictable is annoying. Schedule it and stick to the schedule. The chronic lateness is really, really annoying. It might not be so if there were any hint of apology, but she is largely incapable of that.

I think I need to say something about it, but there is no way to do so without making her defensive.

SD,

She's trying to push your buttons with being late all of the time. She's likely looking to get an angry outburst from you. Don't fall for it.

However, there is nothing wrong with a factual reminder about the schedule if it's now a habitual thing. Who cares how she feels? I mean, really? You don't have to sit by and accept her disrespecting you, your time, and especially your time with the kids.

Look back. How many times recently has she been late? Step back from a neutral perspective and see if it's been frequent enough to say something. If you think it has been, then do so. Factual. To the point.

{{SD}}

From your posts, I would say SCQ is habitually late. I don't believe in coming at her guns a blazin, but I do believe in stating that you expect the children back at the appropriate time.

It's a consequence for her. Now, if I'm solely thinking of the kids, I would say that them hanging out with their family is good for them, but as a parent, I would hate to foster the SCQ's inconsistent scheduling.

Knee jerk thoughts from Denver:

Don't give an inch on the schedule. Down the road you will regret it.

On Christmas decorations: Keep everything from your family, cherry pick your favorites and pack all the rest for SCQ. Then take the kids Christmas decoration and ornament shopping. Let them pick a few ornaments for their tree.

Wayzilla took everything and now tells DD19.991 that she does not feel Christmassy and is not going to decorate. Our place looks nice. Almost everything is new and it does feel Christmassy at our home.

Poor widdle waywards.

Thanks for the thoughts. I shook off the frustration and had a good day with the kids.

The tree was up and the ornaments were out, and they made for them like a beeline. So as the ornaments came out of the box, I pulled a few aside (pretty much what you suggested, Bugs and Chris), sacked them up for her, and sent them to daycare today. I expect the selection will not be what she had in mind (not sure, actually), but I wonder whether she will have the stones to complain about it.

I like the idea of taking the kids ornament shopping.

So here's one. Presents from kids to WSs. Where are we with that? I'm feeling like I should help the kids get her something. It won't happen if I don't. She helped the kids buy me a birthday present. Sis, Bugs, what are you guys doing?

You are in Plan B.

No presents for WS. You could ask your mother to help the kids if you think its important for them to give a gift.

The great ornament debate:


No response?

Or maybe "The family ornaments are on the tree in our family home."

maybe with "it can be finalized later."

You mean like your deciding to break up our family?

I opt for a court order.

Oops, no wonder I'm divorced.

*grin*

So, maybe I'm making too big a deal out of this. The stars to which she refers were given to her by my mother over the years. She gave them to the SCQ and my brother's wife every year. I could easily make an argument that they were given to her son's wife rather than the SCQ, but I could also give in and send them over if anyone thinks that's a good idea.

I vote for giving them to her.

They'll be a reminder of you and past Christmas'.

~ Marsh

Thanks, Marsh.

What about crickets?

Does this warrant a response? I mean, really, is she going to go to a judge, stomp her foot, and say, "I want those stars!!!" Or even make a big deal about it to the attorney?

Perhaps you should ask your mother what she would prefer, just to be safe, because SCQ would look pretty ridiculous making a big deal about a gift from YOUR mother.

Just askin'.

(Maybe she thinks you are so old and senile that you won't remember where the ornaments came from.)

Let her sit for a bit on this. No need for an immediate response. She doesn't dictate, but she sure is trying REALLY hard,,,,telling you how to go about the ornaments and setting her own schedule. etc.

She's realizing SHE is not in control and goodness, she really doesn't like it. Too bad.

Frankly, I'd give her the silly stars,,,,eventually. I like the idea of letting her know that the kids put the ornaments on the FAMILY tree. Isn't Christmas really supposed to be mostly about the kids?? You are doing your best to keep as much of their lives as 'normal' as possible. This includes keeping whatever traditions you can as 'normal' as you can for them. This includes them being able to have the same things, like ornaments, for the tree.

Regarding the presents, I've chosen to help the kids with their gifts. I always have and they expect it. It would hurt THEM for me to do otherwise. However, my normal searching for just the right thing isn't happening,,,,, and if they find something they like for him at the Dollar Store, then that is what they are getting him.

JMHO

Pack it all up and just give it to her. Start all over again with new stuff that the kids can help you pick out. Reclaim Christmas for good.

Years from now she will only see what she lost when she puts out her little stars.

Morning, all!

You didn't ask me, sdguy, but in regards to gifts to SCQ - I am giving money to DDs so they can choose a gift for WH, just as I did for them last year.

It's more about THEM then it is about HIM. They would feel badly if they didn't give him anything.

Like Bugs, I'm not helping and giving careful thought to it. I'm giving them a dollar limit, they can spend it all or they can spend a little. What they find is up to them.

I don't have a strong opinion about the ornaments. If they are important to YOU, keep them. If not, ship them off.

You're right, your mother gave them to sdguy's wife, not SCQ.

Your call, neither one is WRONG.

Fox

I thought of you about gifts, but your girls are in a different age zone than my kids. I haven't quite figured that one out yet.

With the ornaments, I boxed up the ones in question and dropped them off at day-care on my way into work this morning. This weekend, I will take the kids ornament shopping.

I'm wondering about my motivations. They are somewhat important to me but also something that I can let go of. I think the fact that she wanted them and had the nerve to ask for them made me resist. Not healthy.

What would Jennifer have told me? I think Jennifer would have told me to go along with what the SCQ suggested--laying them out in the garage and let the SCQ choose some. So long as I could do it without getting massively triggered, which is what happens when I think about it too much. So I'm going to let it go and get about my day.

Thanks to all for the suggestions and thoughts!

Yup, it is a big age difference between my girls and your kiddos. My thoughts if mine were 4 and 7 could be much different than they are now.

What have you done in the past? Did you buy presents for SCQ without the kids and then just sign the card including their names or were they an actual part of the gift giving?

If they were an actual part of the gift giving and would have feelings of loss over not doing it this year, then I say do it for them. If they were never a part of it and won't realize it wasn't done this year, then don't do it.

Sounds like you are working through the ornament deal. I won't say alot about that. As you can probably tell I have a quick and deadly response to anyone TAKING from me. If you can let them go without feeling as though they were TAKEN, then good for you.

I've tried to remember the phrase "don't sweat the small stuff". I'm not always successful, but I'm working on it. My fear is that the "small stuff" now will be "big stuff" later. But those are my own issues.....your working through things well. I'm proud of you.

Fox

Right or wrong I had a pretty simple tactic; If Wayzilla wanted it I no longer had any value in it and off to Mount Crapwayward in the garage it went. It worked out fine.

I think she thought the separation of property would take several meetings and lots of serious discussion. Wrong.

I have replaced the artwork and home decor with things that I like and reflect my taste. I like it a lot better.

And when she looks around bulldozer cottage now she sees all OUR stuff. Much of it was given to her as gifts from my Mother and I. I see it as a long and lasting reminder of what she has really lost.

Thanks, Fox.


Yeah, your response to me wasn't quite what I expected from you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You nailed it, though--it's about feeling like they are being TAKEN from me, and I'm letting that go. I suspect that you and I have the same reaction to be Told what to do.