Hello,

I read in the book "The Dollars and Sense of Divorce" about a little thing called an "Anger Letter." This book is a must read, it breaks down a lot of financial factors and unknowns that I had no clue about when it comes to divorce. Now I can truly say that this inevitable divorce is going to "break me" in more ways than one. At least I see this coming, she doesn't though.

Back on topic, in one of the chapters, it talks about anger and rage that the victim can endure, and for one thing to help control or at least vent this frustration and pain is to write an "anger letter." In this letter, THAT IS TO NEVER BE MAILED, you write down whatever you are feeling at that time about your spouse and use that to vent. And everytime you are about to snap, re-read the letter to vent your anger so you don't do anything stupid and can gain control of yourself, like self anger-management. I must say, I've done that and I feel a little better about things.

Last week I gave my Plan B letter to my "lifewrecker" and needless to say she got mad because I called her out on leaving the kids also besides me and to let her know that I'm not giving up on our marriage, I'm just not going to put up with her ways anymore and it's "me time" now. Anyways, she feels the need to still talk to me, but given the things she brings up (financials and kids), I have to at least respond to her because it's not something that a messenger or letter could get through her thick head. Anyways, given the unavoidable circumstance, I've been writing an anger letter, because everytime I see her I want to smash something, or her, with a sledgehammer and I know that would be bad if I did. So I write my feelings down when those unnamed feelings come back around.

Does anyone else know of other ways to release frustration without creation through destruction, or getting a strangle hold on pent up violence?

How about hang a punching bag in your garage and whenever the anger urge shows itself, go punch the living crap outta it. Punch your way right out of anger.

BTW: Your anger letter is an excellent idea.

Did you know if you turn your anger inward it becomes depression? Don't internalize it. Vent it in constructive ways instead.

StAnger

I'm not a plan B expert around here

I've never done one

But from what I've read, if your Plan B isn't a dark Plan B then it will for the most part be ineffective.

It sounds like you are still seeing and speaking to her

You have to have a Plan within your Plan B for avoiding that to the largest extent possible.

Everytime you see or speak to here YOU are losing your love for her which you will hopefully and eventually need once the affair is over. To protect your love, for the longest period of time possible...you must go dark...really dark. It IS possible, even with children. Many have come before you that pulled this off...seek them out.

I'm going to be really busy the next few weeks so please take some time to read, post and figure out how to most effectively cut off all contact with WW.

Mr. Wondering

Believe you me, I have grown dark towards her, very dark, but it's only for the kids that I pass information on. I don't look her in the eyes, notes when possible, whatever. Given our situation, it is impossible to avoid her completely, but I'm doing my best. But with that being said, need help on this, as I am always looking to better myself and need to salvage my marriage with her. Is it normal to become so cold to her that it just pushes her away completely or does it become a "forbidden fruit" deal?

Sorry StAnger...I'm not at all familiar with your story

Sometimes Plan B is celebrated by the WS...they think they got what they wanted...FREEDOM. This lasts a couple weeks until they realize that OP can't meet all their needs and they've lost control of BS. Other times, like your wife, they immediately get furious at the loss of control. They lash out at you. They need you as the primary excuse for their internal unhappiness. If you've done a good Plan A they also miss the needs you had been filling as OP's are usually incapable of meeting all the WS's needs adequately and comfortably.

In Plan B, the table often flip and the WS incessantly pursues contact with the BS. It just happens. At the very least, I suppose, they can b1tch and moan about the fact that you are avoiding them and behaving like a child giving them the silent treatment. Since it's the only gripe that remains...they keep trying to break Plan B.

Meanwhile, if the BS goes through their own withdrawal. It's really tough for the BS NOT to respond. They miss their spouse too and will subconsciously talk themselves into responding and/or engaging the WS for whatever reason just to get a fix of WS. It's a trap. The only way for the BS to have any peace and begin to move on with or without their marriage recovering which is just a hope at this point is to be really, really dark. It's no longer the BS's job to try to fix the marriage or effect any change....be still, be quiet, allow the consequences to fully and mercilessly fall upon the WS. It's God's turn.

Like I said...seek out others who have done Plan B. Research more Plan B threads. There is a way to do it and a way to do it wrong. Don't waste your time making mistakes and yourself miserable. Pick a plan and do it right. It is not impossible to cut all contact, look for alternatives. Remember Yoda..."there is no "try", it's either do or do not".

Mr. Wondering

StAnger,

I just took a quick look back at your initial posts and I see your D-day was just over a month ago. I doubt Plan B is the right plan for you right now but being in it for a few days or weeks may be ok as you gain your bearings and tie up legal matters. Has she signed off on you having custody or have you documented such desire by at least an exchange of emails? It's not the most pressing issue since she has apparently abandoned the marital home (I think you refering to kicking her out was NOT what you meant "legally"...you asked her to give up her affair or leave and she walked out on you and the kids.)

I'm going to bed.

If you can find the thread by MywifeIlove you may find an interesting story. His wife moved out...he went to Plan B...he regrouped...and went back into Plan A and some time thereafter saved his marriage. It took him about 8-9 months but he made it and you can too. Regardless, you will become a better father, husband and individual if you go through the entire MB process. I hope you stick around. It's gonna be a rollercoaster but you two have 2 children together and you are very young. Just maybe you both can learn alot about marriage and commitment herein.

I'll check on you tomorrow.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- How about a summary signature line??? Ages, kids, D-day date, separated

Big question:

HAVE YOU EXPOSED THE AFFAIR TO OM'S WIFE.

She's NOT as crazy as the infidels say she is...guaranteed. That is a typical lie OM told your wife to keep her (and both of them YOU) to keep the secret.

She is your ally. Tell her tomorrow the truth about her life. She deserves to know.

Mr. W

MrWondering,

No I haven't and it such a maze trying to find her. It's on the top of my list. All I have is his cell number. My father-in-law had all his information since he tried to buy the house that I am selling, but being the "in-law" to me, he's worthless when it comes to help as far as that goes, I've tried. I know where I can find this guy sometimes, but I just don't know how to track her down, she used to show up with him, but now she doesn't.

Everyone I know that she knows isn't any help to the situation, but I'm still plugging along with it. But I don't want to do anything that would make me look like the aggressor and screw up any chances I may have for future custody matter and what not.

I'm like a blind rat in a maze trying to find her, and I know that I need to expose this to OPs wife, so I'm trying.

Have you done a google search for his name and her name?

I found that jogging a couple miles helps alleviate both anger and depression.

Exposure, if done informatively and not vindictively will not injure your chances at custody. You merely tell OM's wife that your wife and her husband ARE having an affair and you would like to save your marriage. You can show her copies of enough proof to demonstrate to her you're not full of crap or provide her with copies (not originals as you may need those). You could request that she later accumulate more proof and give you copies in return as you both may need it. Be careful of the attempted revenge affair as that is often the way she may try to strike out at her husband and your wife...by bedding you. You ally yourself with her but you are not to be her support system as she may be the ultimate damsel in distress.

If you know his name you may be able to simply look him up in the phone book and get his home number and address. You are pretty certain he is not living there so just go knock on the door and expose to his wife. There are internet search engines which are relatively cheap to utilize for such also. You may want to perform a background check on him as well...for custody purposes.

Your wife and children do not need you to be angry and spiteful. YOU are the only sane person in this marriage anymore thus you are most likely the only one that can save it. Agreeing to a 6 month separation and waiting is not a recovery plan. Doing what you can to bust up the affair and getting back into the fight for your marriage MAY be a better plan...the wait and see plan just prolongs the waywards indecision and gives them a chance to "try" to make it work. There IS safety in that cause it likely won't work but you can perhaps expedite the downfall of the affair with a more solid Plan A. Take some time, read and figure out what you want to do.

You can email me if you want some more information at the address below.

Mr. Wondering

On the original question - exercise is a great outlet. I love hitting a heavy bag, motivated by picturing the face of the OM on it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I need a new bag for Christmas seriously, it feels great.

V/r,
No way