I recently discovered that my husband has been having cell phone conversations with his friend's wife numerous times a day almost every day for at least the past 6 months. He claims that they have never had a sexual relationship and that all they did was "talk". He claims that they discussed her marital problems and their families. However, neither her husband nor I knew anything about this relationship.

I discovered this relationship after looking into seriously increasing cell phone bills. I confronted him and he maintains, after repeated questioning, that "all they did was talk". There are so many things that don't make sense. Why was it a secret from me if it was so innocent? Why did he make calls to her when we were away for the weekend and I didn't know about it? Why did he make calls when we were hosting birthday parties for each of our children? The most frequent answer I get is "I don't know".

I asked him to call her and end the relationship. The calls had been daily up to the day that I confronted him. That was 3 1/2 weeks ago. Since then, her calls have practically stopped. I listened to 2 voicemails left by her and they are pathetically innocent...one even asking "how you GUYS have been". He has made numerous calls to her in my presence which was at my request so I could hear the conversation. Funny how she now does not answer her phone and rarely returns his calls. I've asked him not to leave a message because I want to hear him tell her personally. He says that he has not contacted her but I find it very hard to believe considering the circumstances since my confrontation.

I have contemplated exposing the relationship to her husband several times but am so unsure if I should. My husband says that she tells him her husband beats her. Who knows if it's true. He doesn't want me to tell the husband for fear that he will beat her. I would not want to be the cause of that, however, I don't feel an obligation to protect her at this point. My real fear, however, is that this man is a hunter and owns weapons. I don't know him well enough to know if he really is a violent person.

I feel that in order for me to move on he must know. Otherwise, there is no one on her end to make sure the relationship is not rekindled. I don't know if she was honest about the abuse to get my husband's attention or if he made it up so that I would not contact him or if it's true. I am afraid to tell him but I want to. I'm stuck in a deep vat of pain and don't know where to go from here. Please help.

Here is what I would recommend. I would talk to your husband and tell him you want NC with this woman ever again. No more phone calls, period. I would then call the woman up and tell her that she is causing a problem in your marriage and ask her to respect your wishes not to call. Make sure your husband provides access to his phone records to prove that no contact is being me. If contact continues, you have no choice but to tell her husband. You are not responsible for her marriage only yours. Continued contact will result in a PA if this is not stopped NOW.

Your husband has revealed by his secrecy that he is more concerned about protecting this woman than he is in protecting you.

Her husband deserves to know the truth, just as you do.

What your husband is telling you may or may not be the truth. I was in your shoes five years ago. I called Harley's show and he told me to call the husband. I played the tape recording of the message to my husband and he got very, very upset. Seven months later, I called the radio show again, he again said to call the husband, and this time I did. It had been a PA for eight months.

I wish I had followed Dr. Harley's advice the first time, but I had more to learn than that my hsuband was having an affair. I had to learn that I could not control his behavior by mine. I had to let go.

If you expose the affair -- and it has all the markings of an affair -- then you are in for a great deal of pain. Expose, and let the cards fall where they may. One argument that may have convinced me five years ago had I heard it then was that the woman's husband deserves to know the truth -- and you know more of the truth than he does.

I would not wish the most evil person in the world the pain that I have suffered as a result of my husband's affair, and by exposing you are facing it. Still, it is better to deal with the truth than to live in a lie. The woman's husband is your ally in exposing the truth.

Respectful

PS. You could also email your thread above to jharley@marriagebuilders.com and say you'll call in to see what he says. In my situation, at the second call to Harley, I said that my husband had broken my arm when I threatened to call the woman, so I was very concerned about calling the woman's husband. He said to go ahead anyway, and I did. Two weeks later, the woman's husband got the truth out of his wife and told me. It was the worst day of my life. Had I not learned the truth, the entire rest of my life would have been a lie.

Lost, before you ask your H to end contact with her, you MUST call her H and tell him what is happening. He has a right to know about this too. Your instincts are exactly right about this in that the affair is much less likely to resume - if it has even ended - if both spouses know on both ends. You will have TWO people watching and can ally together to kill this affair.

Don't WARN your H you are going to do this. Just do it and don't say anything. [he will probably tell you soon enough when the OW calls him up screaming!] When you call the OWH, use *67 so your # doesn't show up. Becasue if you call and no one answers, the OW might see that you are trying to call and pre-empt you.

So, first thing, call the OWH TODAY and tell him the truth.

And don't worry about the "wife beating" claim. It is a lie. If it were true, don't you think the OW would be worried about it? If she were worried about it, she wouldn't be carrying on with your H. So, don't worry about it, SHE'S SURE NOT! And she knows her husband better than anyone!

After that is done, you will want your H to send the OW a no contact letter that is written together and mailed by you. [we have samples] In order for your marriage to recover, he should NEVER speak to her or see her again.

Those are your first steps as I see them. The next step will be to get your hands on Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. You can get it on this website or at the bookstore.

Sorry you are here, Lost, but welcome to Marriage Builders.

And I hate to tell you this, but it is likely that the affair has not ended at all, but has gone further underground. This is usually what happens, so watch your back.

The support from each of you means everything to me. It keeps me going when I feel so alone - thank you! I am going to try to get up the nerve today to call the husband. I hope I don't back out because that will just prolong the pain.

Lost, yes, it will prolong the pain if you put this off. It will be a very hard call to make, I have done this and it is HEARTBREAKING. But it will be much harder for you in the longrun if you DON'T. You will be doing the best thing for him and the best thing for your marriage. Just think, as long as he remains in ignorance, he never has the same chance as you to fix his marriage.

Be strong! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

p.s. be prepared for your H to be furious when he finds out you messed up his affair, it is an EXPECTATION. You will be interfering in his affair and slamming a door shut that he hoped to keep open by keeping the OWH in ignorance.

Telling the OWH is the equivalence of snatching the crack pipe from the crack head. So, just be prepared for all manner of anger, fogbabble, and idle threats: "our marriage is over," "I was going to work on our marriage, but now I'm not..." "you have hurt the OWH and her children," blah, blah, blah, blah. We have HEARD IT ALL. Just brace yourself and the anger will quickly blow over.

Just don't react to it and allow him to bait you into a fight. Just tell him you are so sorry he is upset, but the OWH had a right to know, too. Dont try and reason with him and don't expect to convince him of the value of what you have done. REMAIN CALM and it will all blow over.

We're here to support you with the fallout. You don't need to tell him you told OWH. OW will tell him herself. Expose, and then back off. It's up to him to decide what to do.

When the affair was finally exposed, the first words out of my husband's mouth were: "I think Sophia is trying to destroy our marriage."

You don't know how he'll react. My husband blamed his lover for his infidelity. When that didn't work, he switched to blaming me.

There's a line from the Bible: "The truth shall set you free." Dealing with the truth is better than living in a lie, and an affair is a lie that entangles not just the lovers but also their spouses.

Respectful

Okay...because of your advice and support, I called the husband today! It took me all day to work up the nerve and I couldn't reach him. I had to leave a message. Now all I can do is wait. I wish he would have answered and it would be over by now. My stomach will be in a knot until I hear from him. I wish this were over.

Sadly, the phone call won't end it. It will begin it -- but you are better off with the truth, and so is he.

Respectful

Lost, stay on it until you actually speak to him. It can be very dangerous to leave a message like you did, because if the OW sees it, she will warn your H and then spin a story about you to her H. Don't be surprised if your H comes home and out of the blue tells you "OW told her H today so he knows and doesn't care." [translation: the OW intercepted your message, erased it and they are trying to convince you he has been told so you won't call back] Try and call back before that can happen.

You wouldn't believe the lengths that folks will typically go to in order to hide their affair.

I agree that leaving the voicemail was probably a dangerous thing to do but, to be honest, I didn't know what else to do. I left it on his personal cell phone, not the home number. However, I know she could still possibly have access to it. He hasn't returned my call which is not totally unexpected. My husband had told me earlier that the reason he had her cell phone number (originally) was because she and her husband (OM) work together (and her husband works occasionally with my husband) and he often didn't answer his cell phone so OM gave my husband his wife's number in order to contact him. Not saying I buy that story but I suppose it's possible that he doesn't use it often. So I don't know of a way to reach him without her being around. Should I just keep calling until he answers or should I call the home number, which is more risky, until he answers?

I would try the home #, but use *67 to disguise your # and don't leave a message. Keep calling his cell also using *67 to see if he answers. Can you call him at work and speak to him?

He is a tradesman so he doesn't have a "work" number which is why I called his cell. Since OW calls to my husband have "appeared" to have stopped, I fear that she knows that I know. My husband still says he has had no contact with her other than what I'm aware of but I don't believe him. He left her a message last Friday to call him and she has not returned the call. This is after numerous daily calls to each other and now it's like she dropped off the face of the earth. Regardless what my H or OW says, I won't rest until I speak with him because, at this point, I don't believe most of what I'm told whether it be true or not.

Lost, you are very smart to not believe it. I wouldn't be surprised to know that he has picked up a second cell phone or is using land lines/payphones. If you tell the OWH, the chances of it being over are much greater.

Can you go out and search his vehicle when he gets home? Maybe take his car to the store on an errand?

I wanted to do that prior to confronting him a month ago but he drives a huge truck that I NEVER drive and he would never believe that I wanted to drive it for any reason. Besides, just yesterday he offered to let me search his truck so I'm certain that he would have already disposed of anything. I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't find anything at this point no matter where I search. I do know that he has made and received several calls from a variety of different numbers that I am not familiar with and I am trying to check them out. But when they are cell numbers, I get nowhere. If he is calling her from another phone, I don't know of any way to find out.

ahhh, so she is perhaps using another cell phone to call him? Do you have access to this truck?

Also, you might want to give those strange cell #s to the OWH when you call him and ask him if any are familiar to him. He could also look to see if she has a hidden cell phone.

You could also call these #s and disguise your # with *67 to see who answers.