Only when he's home. I looked for repeated numbers and each number is only used a couple times.

Still trying to reach OWH but suddenly realized while dialing the home number that there is a son at home with the same name as the father. How am I going to distinguish them from each other by their voice? The son is old enough to hunt so his voice may be deep like the dad's.

Just ask, "Is this the father or the son?"
Respectful

I've been away from MB for a while trying to figure out what to do with my life. Overall, things have gone pretty well, but there is still unfinished business. I witnessed my husband's phone call to establish NC and I have discovered no evidence of any contact since then. After making several unsuccessful attempts to contact the OW's husband, I put it on hold. My husband and I have been having daily discussions, discovering each others needs, spending much more time together, we changed his cell number and he has been open with me about phone calls and contact with other women as far as I know. Our conversations don't always go well but we're working on it.

The NC hasn't been enough for me so I wrote the OW a letter to tell her what this has done to my life. She may not care but I want her to hear it anyway. I haven't sent it yet because my husband asked me to hold off until he retrieved an expensive piece of equipment that her husband borrowed from us. He is going to have my son pick it up tomorrow so I agreed to wait. Since I haven't told the OW's husband yet, I'm thinking about writing a letter to him and giving him my phone number to call if he wants to ask me any questions. Would that be a terrible way to tell him? I'm trying so hard to move forward and I know he has to know, but every time I called him, it made me sick. I can send the letter to him and require his signature to pick it up so I know he received it. I need your advice again. I want to know if that is a bad way to tell him.

Dear So Lost and Hurt,

Hugs to you. I know how you feel. I wanted to contact my FWH OW after I found out about the EA. I never did and I am glad I did not.

I decided that what happened and my feelings as a result of what happened were best left between me and my FWH. We did not need the "audience" of the OW to work things out between us.

Sometimes I still feel like contacting her to right some of the wrongs and get my two cents in. But I don't need to.

A few days ago, my FWH said a few things to me about the OW and her response to the no contact e-mail he wrote (yes, she did e-mail and then text message him after the NC e-mail). It helped to hear the words out of his mouth that I had already said.

Give your H the opportunity to figure out what a foolish thing he did and allow him to tell you some things about all of it. After all, it doesn't matter what the OW thinks, feels about all this as she is OUT OF THE PICTURE. It only matters what you and your H do and say to each other.

Forget about her. Work on your R and your M and talk to your H. It is good that your H would let you have contact and talk to OW as it sounds like he is being open and honest and letting you heal in whatever way you need to heal. But don't do it.

Regards,
Lake

Sorry for the novel...

I feel like I am sabotaging my own recovery. I am now 2 months past D-day, and I feel like maybe I'm doing everything wrong. When I am hurting, I feel like I need to talk to my H for reassurance. Instead, I often get defensiveness, he's doing the best he can, etc. This sets me back. While trying to make plans to do something together this weekend, the conversation somehow turned when I asked if all we got to do was eat (dinner on Saturday and brunch on Sunday). While I enjoy those things, I was looking forward to something "fun" which is what I said. After discussing other options, he became defensive and said he was "trying to give me some time but didn't know I expected a lot of time". This hit me in the gut because I heard that comment as "I'm giving you your share and it's not good enough" rather than feeling that he wanted to do something fun with me. I also asked if he would like to go to a party with me tonight and tomorrow night. His immediate response was "probably not" which later turned to definitely not tonight because he expected a hard day at work and not sure about tomorrow night. He never asked anything about what kind of party, what time, nothing. This hurt deep. He had been calling me every day from work but didn't yesterday (which was ok). However, he apologized for it when he got home and said he couldn't call me because he was on a roof. Looking at his calls that day, he was able to make 6 other calls with no problem. Another thing to hurt my feelings - the reason, not the fact that he didn't call. I was feeling very low at bedtime but he was "too tired" to talk.

We have an agreement where he is supposed to inform me of issues regarding other women such as giving out his phone number to them no matter how innocent, any contact that may be questionable to me, etc. I occasionally check various places in the hopes of finding nothing so that I can restore whatever trust I can. He denied giving his cell number to anyone other than people we had agreed upon. Yet, his e-mail to a female business associate proved otherwise. Although it was undoubtedly an innocent e-mail, the fact is that he did not disclose this information to me and became defensive when I brought it up. He was mad that I had checked his e-mail and accused me of spying on him. A couple weeks ago, he was telling me about some e-mail information in case I happened to see it in his e-mail. Now the story changes.

After feeling like we had been moving slowly forward and making a little progress, I now feel like I have been set way back. I know that my emotions are particularly fragile and that is my worry. I don't know whether I am questioning too much and destroying progress or if I should be worried about why we had these episodes. I feel sometimes that he is doing a duty by doing things with me on the weekend rather than looking forward to spending time with me.

I feel like the roles are reversed and I am the one who is trying harder to keep the marriage together. I have become way too dependent on him, because I really don't have someone to go to when I really need help, like now. The couple friends I told say they are available for me but when I try to get together with them, they are busy. I feel so down and lost right now. I don't know right from wrong, what to do, what not to do. I read and read and have good intentions but when a situation arises, I feel like I make bad choices. Am I overreacting? Please help.

Your marriage is not in Recovery. Your husband is still very much in the wayward mindset. He is only interested in protecting himself, not in protecting you.

Just because you know about his affair does NOT mean you are in Recovery.

Here are some things you can try:

1) Do your very best Plan A for a little while, maybe a few weeks. It's always recommended as step one around here. Both of you need to take the Emotional Needs questionnaire first so you will best know how to fill his emotional needs. If he refuses, fill his out for him as best you can.

2) Make preparations to go to Plan B if your husband refuses to work with you to recover the marriage.

3) If you cannot or will not go to Plan B, you could try The 180 instead. I will post it at the end of this.

4) Read "His Needs, Her Needs" and see if he will read it as well. If not, I think it's also available on CD to listen to. Maybe you could take a car trip and listen to it - some couples here have done this.

5) You may also want to read the links on Passive/Aggressive behaviour in my sig line and see if they speak to you, especially the first one.

Good luck, and keep posting.
Mulan

THE 180:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!

2. No frequent phone calls

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

4. Do not follow spouse around the house

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

6. Do not ask for help from family members

7. Do not ask for reassurances

8. Do not buy gifts

9. Do not schedule dates together

10. Do not spy on spouse

11. Do not say "I Love You"

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life with or without your spouse

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what spouse will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show spouse someone they would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)

21. Never lose your cool

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic

23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger)

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with yur spouse

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 5% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel

34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes

Wow - it looks like I have violated almost all of those 180 points. We did something similar to the emotional needs questionnaire and my answers focused totally on the marriage while only some of his did. My hesitation with the 180 is that is sadly the way our marriage seemed before the A. I was hoping that this breakdown would give us both a chance to look back at what we did wrong and fix it. It has certainly been that way for me. He says he has learned from it and will change but he thinks that as long as he is being affectionate, spending time with me and not having an A, that I should be satisfied. He seems annoyed that I am not over it, even though he says he understands it will take time, always going back to "he's TRYING". I am a terrible actress and just a few days ago made a pledge to "be happy". I couldn't hold it through last night and I crumble. I don't know how to make new friendships in order to occupy my time while I feel this way. Anything I do would probably be alone and that's part of my problem. I feel completely alone (except for the wonderful support I get here). That devastates me too. I'll see if I can find some of your suggestions to start with but I know how weak I am feeling and I don't have much faith in myself. I have become pathetic with him in my opinion. He probably sees me as desperate and I can see how I act that way. I don't know how to change my feelings so I can be stronger. I was stronger at the beginning.

Keep in mind that you should be doing a good plan A right now for a few or several weeks.

THEN, after plan A, you make a decision about plan B or a 180 plan.

Keep your spirits up.

Plan A is good for you not just your marriage. It will help you be the best that you can be and will help you feel good about yourself.

Are you on anti-depressants?
Lake

Here is a good list of DOs and DON'Ts for Plan A.

Also, in my opinion, it is perfectly ok for you to check up on him by looking at cell phone, e-mail, etc. Just try to stay calm about it and let him know that you need to do these things to feel safe. You can let him know that his relationship with OW made you feel un-safe and that you are trying to regain your feeling of safety and control over your life. That requires checking up on him.

It seems like you are in a state of in-between right now. You are into the point of no contact, it appears. But your husband is not yet feeling remorseful and not yet fully understanding how much he has disrupted your sense of... EVERYTHING by his EA activities.

Therefore, I think it is okay if you can matter of factly describe and express to him your sense of loss and your shock at the level of intimacy that he developed with OW. But it does seem that you will need to control your emotions when you do this with him. It sounds as though he is having a hard time accepting the weight of how his actions have affected you. Hopefully, with a little time, he will be able to give you the support you need and will be able to bear the weight of the responsibility of his actions.

It is a very good sign that he is having no contact. Do you see any signs of withdrawal on his part? My FWH had no signs of withdrawal. If he is showing symptoms of withdrawal--sadness for the loss of the connection--all the more reason to do a good plan A to show him you and he can build that sense of connection to each other.


DOs

1. Act Happy
2. Get a life (new activities, etc.)
3. repeat over and over..."I will make it"
4. Actively LISTEN....keep conversations at "to the point...small talk" ...don't blow it up beyond the waywards current comfort zone
5. Tend to Agree (Thank you for your truthfulness, It seems that way, you have a point)
6. Expand your social relationships (Being especially aware of your own vulnerability and keeping sharing and time with opposite sex relationships to an absolute minimum)
7. Get sexy (gym, new clothes, etc)
8. Focus on your strengths and Positives...don't put yourself down verbally or constantly go over what you did wrong
9. Accept Uncertainty (Do your best today and let God take care of tommorrow)

DON'Ts

1. Repeatedly say "I love you"
2. Ask questions that don't have answers yet
3. Criticize, complain, whine or nag
4. Say, "I've changed"....allow the wayward spouse to simply judge your actions
5. Argue, Reason or Plead
6. Don't get family or friends overly involved in recovery (notice I said "in recovery", EXPOSURE to bust up an active affair IS ESSENTIAL and EXPOSURE to the OP's spouse is an absolute MUST)
7. Act helpless or depressed
8. Discuss morality, invoke God or Dr. Laura type babble
9. Suggest marital counseling (must be the waywards idea)
10. Tell them continually "we need to work on the relationship"
11. GIVE UP

Remember, the first part of this post is just my humble opinion, and I am not as experienced as the experts on this site. I just feel a connection with you because of the apparent similarity to our situations.
Lake

Thanks so much for your support, Lake. I didn't read your post until this morning and I really needed it. I had a terrible night last night. We sat down to talk (his suggestion to finish an unfinished conversation from earlier). I first asked if he was in a patient mood because I needed him to be patient. He said yes. I asked why he hadn't told me about giving his cell phone to this woman. He immediately became angry, explaining that it was work-related (so was the EA), blah, blah, blah. He was angry again that I was "snooping" in his e-mail and said that it is only "courteous" that I let him know before looking at his e-mail. He said he leaves his phone on the table because he "knows I'm going to look at it every day anyway". These remarks were made with a sarcastic attitude. I explained (again) my need to prove to myself that there is nothing to hide any more. He said he feels smothered and that he has been "reporting" to me every day what he does - not exactly true but also said with heavy sarcasm. He said we either need some outside help or he's "not sure if he can do this any more". I see all of this attitude as extremely selfish and it hurt deep. Later he said that he was going to keep trying.

You'll like this one - he said "Why can't you JUST TRUST me?" This has all been explained before but I did it again. It's been about 8 weeks and his EA was about 8 months. He acts as if I should get over it and move on.

I think you hit the nail right on the head when you said he is having a hard time accepting the weight his actions have had on me. I told him that I felt that that he had the EA, didn't expect this outcome and does now not want to deal with it because it's too hard. His response was "Is that what you think?" That's it, end of conversation.

I have never seen any signs of withdrawal. As a matter of fact, he said he didn't miss her or the calls. I have never seen any signs of contact. Now my issue is all about trust over whether or not it will happen with someone else. That makes it hard to move forward with fixing the marriage. It's in the way.

If I act happy and don't discuss any of my feelings, he responds the way I need him to for the most part. In other words, if I pretend nothing ever happened, things can be fine. No matter how hard I try, I fall back because, if something is bothering me, I need to talk about it. That's just the way I am. It's how I heal. Unfortunately, it's having the reverse effect this time. I am not on anti-depressants but I keep having serious thoughts about it. I am afraid of them because they have been known to cause suicidal thoughts and sometimes suicide and that scares me.

This is why I came back to MB. I'm hoping that getting my thoughts, feelings and actions out here will help me to handle the situation at home better. I want my marriage to work. I want to be happier than I was before. I'm trying to be patient but growing very impatient with the constant pain.

Lake, will you tell me how you handled your own situation while the pain was so fresh? Thanks for everything.

You might want to go back and read my thread to get a sense of what we went through regarding the EA. I don't think I handled my pain very well when the pain was fresh. My H and I have a good marriage. He has always been faithful to me and I have always been faithful to him. Sure we have had our ups and downs, but through it all, we have been committed to each other.

It took him about a week during discovery to come out of his fog and realize that he had hurt me deeply by his actions. He then realized that he did not care about the former girlfriend's (OW) feelings. During that first week, he continued e-mailing her but less frequently. He thought he could back out of the relationship gradually without me knowing how involved he had become and without hurting her feelings. He felt if he just stopped communicating with her that it would hurt her and he knew she was emotionally needy.

He saw how badly I was feeling when I read his e-mails to her and I therefore became aware that he had been the aggressor within the relationship. At that point he realized that he had to just stop the whole thing regardless of how it made the old girlfriend (OW) feel.

I have done plenty of Love Busting during our recovery. My H and I are very verbal and strong abstract thinkers so I have been very expressive to him in my feelings about what he was doing and how it made me feel <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I have been fortunate that once the fog lifted, he has fully acknowledged the wrong he committed. Oh sure, we have had our moments when he has become defensive or frustrated with me and my feelings. I have heard the "I can only try." and can't we just "forget about it and move forward." But he has always pretty quickly retracted these statements and knows that recovery takes time.

One thing you may want to think about is the way you are framing your need to look at his cell phone and e-mails. It is not just an issue of "trust". It is an issue of feeling control over your destiny--your day to day activities, your expectations of life and your marriage. Looking at these records helps you to get a sense of control back. It also, if you are like me, is a way that you can "right your wrong". It is sort of like magical thinking or bargaining---you think that if you look at all that now, you will somehow be able to go back to that earlier time and find out info. and undo what he did. I know I had a sense (by obsessively looking at e-mails and cell phone) of trying to find out about it earlier and stopping it before it got out of hand. It is all just part of the grieving process: Shock, denial, bargaining, anger, and acceptance.

I feel like I had the luxury of going through all this and roller coasting up and down the range of emotions.

Would he be willing to read my thread? One other blameless spouse thanked me for the thread as he had his wife read it in order to help her understand how he felt during his recovery.

I don't think my recovery has been very noble or pretty. It's been painful and has taken up much of my time.

He should accept that you are going to look or "snoop" and it is best that you not tell him before you look. It is not an issue of "courtesy". Talking about it before you do it would just create negative energy between the two of you. You need to "snoop" and he needs to let that happen.

We had a similar issue with an e-mail that my H wrote to a co-worker that he had not told me about. He was a little upset that I was upset. But he backed down and understood my concern.

I know I have been obsessing and "smothering" my husband. He has been able to re-frame it that it helped him to realize how important he was and is to me. He has been able to re-frame it that it meant that I truly cared about him and our relationship.

I also was not able to just "act happy". I also need to talk about things that are bothering me. I found that it did not work to hold it in--it would just get worse.

As my H has said, I have spent far more time dissecting his and her actions than he ever did while he was doing them <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

While the pain was fresh, I found that engaging in activities with my H helped. We have been going out to dinner together more. We spent a lot of time together over the summer. It also helped to be out with other people as much as possible: It gave us time to act civil, even loving with each other, setting up good patterns of behavior between us. It helped that he was able to take my hand or put his arm around me, or I would sit on his lap during times spent with close friends. Simple courtesies such as him opening the car door for me all the time, and pulling my chair out for me at restaurants helped. We also have started running together. We both run but we had not been running together as he is faster than me.

I had been working on my physical appearance anyway over the previous couple of years now that are kids are older and I don't have to have eyes in the back of my head. But after the EA, I became even more observant of my hair and clothing. I have just needed to really feel good about my appearance to help my sense of security. It is kind of funny because I have always been one of those natural types who says take me as I am. I now get my hair cut and styled every five weeks and dress to flatter my figure. We have talked about this and I think I feel OK with it. I think I am feeling less insecure and more just doing it because I like to look as sharp as I feel.

You and he are early into this. After I wrote my previous post to you I wondered if I was being on target about your FWH. I think my FWH early on was just feeling:

"No, don't feel this way about what I did. I take it back, I did not mean anything by it. Can we do a do-over? Just forget it, please? It was just something I fell into that snowballed--it was dumb. I don't know why I did it--really it did not mean anything. Please don't look at me with that pain in your eyes, those tears on your cheeks. I don't want you to feel that pain. I love you, I could not cause that kind of pain in you. Can't you stop feeling that pain?? Can't you just erase it?? I can't tell you why I did it. I wasn't giving it that much thought, I was just acting, not thinking. Can't you just erase it, can't we just do a do-over?? you know, like in football or baseball--backfield in motion, foul ball. I can take a penalty but I can't take the pain you are feeling."

I know, that was what my FWH was feeling.

It will get better if you are able to connect with each other and share your thoughts with each other. We find that we do tell each other more of our private thoughts (not just the EA thoughts but other relational thoughts)and this sharing has increased our intimacy. We are not finished with recovery, but we are getting there. I know you can and will also. Remember, he did not go through withdrawal. She did not really mean anything to him. He was just getting needs met that he should have been getting met within his relationship with you. Let him do that. He is a good guy who made a dumb mistake (for eight months.) But he is out of it and I am sure he is glad to be out of it.

It was a little strange to receive comfort from the one who caused the pain. But like you, I have not really had anyone to talk to about all this except my H. Early on, I felt a little like a hostage--receiving comfort from the one that had taken away my innocence. With time, I am feeling less intense pain and do not feel like a hostage any more. And after all, who else can comfort you but him?? Let him do that for you.
Take Care,
Lake

Lake,

You're awesome. You are so on point with everything that's been happening to me and our lives seem so similar. You give me hope and inspiration. Sometimes I read your words over and over for an extra needed boost. I hope I can be as strong as you.

I would like to read your thread and show it to my H. I am not completely familiar with how to do everything on this site. How do I find it?

The way I read threads:
I click on the user name (Lake) that takes you to my page. Then, I click on "show all users posts" or words to that effect. That will take you to a list of my posts. Click on one of the ones that reads something like "H had EA, am I still too angry?" That will take you to my main post. There may be an easier way, but that's how I do it.

I don't feel like I was (am) strong. I did(do) have strong support (in his own bumbling way <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />).
Lake
Lake

Lake's Thread

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/fav...amp;postmarker=

It has been 4 months now since I found out. We have been working on repairing our relationship and I have never found any evidence of him contacting the OW. The only thing suspicious that I have found are several "unavailable" calls on his cell phone which appear to have been unanswered. He says he doesn't know who is calling.

Although things are going much better, I am still having so much trouble moving on. I go to bed and wake up with an intense amount of anxiety. This anxiety is always with me but it intensifies at bed time and in the morning. I am trying so hard to believe that he has changed but I can't seem to find a way to let go of the pain. It's still overwhelming.

I have accepted that the affair happened but I am afraid that my pain is holding us back from moving forward. He reassures me of his love by calling me every day at work, he regularly displays affection and we are working at spending more time together. I need to hear that he can't live without me or that nothing is worth losing me or something extreme like that but I'm not hearing it. I do hear that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but this is practically the only line he uses. When he says it, I don't feel his love deep in my heart which makes me wonder if he's just saying words or if I'm still so hurt that I cannot accept it for what it is. I have felt his words in my heart only a couple times but I need it so much more and I have told him this. Still I don't get it.

He thinks he is doing everything he can. He has his opinion of what he needs to do, and even though I've told him what I need many times, he sticks to showing affection, calling me and occasionally doing something fun together. I need to feel that I am his world but I actually don't. Am I looking for too much? Is it too soon? Are the unavailable calls suspicious to anyone else? How do I push the pain out of the way long enough to have a chance at recovery? I try to keep myself occupied but the pain is stronger.

Did you ever tell OWH?

OWL, I have to say I did not. I called his cell phone numerous times. He never answered nor returned the one message I left. I then called his home and his son answered. I asked for him but he wasn't home. That made me sick to my stomach. I then wrote him a letter and mailed it restricted so he had to come to the post office and sign for it. He never did. I gave up, for now, and tried to focus my energy on repairing my marriage.

It has now been 5 months since d-day. As long as my feelings are not discussed, my H is happy going about his day with his errands and obligations. Our discussions have greatly decreased because I have been making more effort to refocus on happy things. However, I do still have times where I have setbacks and need to talk with him about my feelings. Every time I try this, it quickly escalates into an argument. He becomes very defensive, no matter how I approach it, and before you know it, I have been accused of having to have everything my way, being selfish and always thinking bad of him. This has resulted in my holding my feelings in which does not work for me. My feelings intensify and then it builds up to an uncontrollable level.

The other day, I looked at his e-mail and saw that he was doing something that we had agreed he wouldn't do. He was encouraging an opportunity where he might accidentally run into the OW. Of course, he doesn't look at it that way. He was referring the OWH's to a client for some work needed on his jobsite. As far as I know, the OW still works with her H. Therefore, if they work on the same jobsite, there is a chance of contact. I confronted him with the fact that I had looked at his e-mail and discovered this. He became extremely angry with me, ultimately he agreed not to proceed with this referral and then treated me very coldly for 2 days until my hurt built up again. I told him that I needed to talk, and I should tell you that by this time it was 1:00 a.m. Back when he was more supportive, he had told me to wake him up if I needed to so I did. The same situation happened again. He said that he had become angry because I looked at his e-mail (even though he previously agreed that it was ok). He repeated that I have to have everything my way and he feels like I'm snooping and doesn't like it.

He says he's SO TIRED OF THE ARGUING, however, he's the one that becomes so angry. I hold 99% of my emotions in to avoid an argument but the end result is the same as if we had a knock-down, drag-out fight.

He has told me before that he just wants me to let him be himself. I think what this means is that he wants to go back to where weekends consist of him going about his business without me like he used to and where no one checks on his e-mail, phone calls, etc. He wants all of the pressures off of himself and is impatient with the fact that I still have periods of insecurity that need his reassurance.

He does hold me a lot during the night but I don't really feel that he looks forward to coming home to be with me or do things with me on the weekends. It seems more of an obligation. He approaches other people with joy and a smile and I feel like a spare he has to carry around with him.

Things can be going along ok for a while, but the smallest event can happen (as above) and he's so quick to go back to all of the cruel accusations.

Back in January, we had agreed that he would change his cell phone number and we agreed on the names of people with whom he would share it. That list had about 20 names and now I'd guess that 100 different phone numbers have since appeared as a received call. He says they are all business and I believe that they are so I have not mentioned it until last night when I said that it was not our original agreement. He exploded and said I'm trying to control how he runs his business. We also agreed that he would inform me of any conversations he had with women, which was subsequently changed to any conversations with some particular women with whom he had previously had many personal conversations. He has not mentioned any conversations for a while and I mentioned that I did not know if there had been none or if he was neglecting to tell me. He once again became very angry and said that I didn't want him to talk to any women.

You can see how he broadens everything into a much bigger issue than it really is. This is why he thinks I have to control his entire life and he doesn't like it. I have tried numerous times to have conversations with him but they turn into anger so quickly that I cannot. It seems that he thinks the subject should be over and that he has lost all patience to help me through the rest.

I don't know what to do now. I try having very controlled conversations but that quickly fails with his angry outbursts. I have held my feelings in and that doesn't work.

Last night, after our very heated discussion, he apologized and held me tight most of the night. I feel like he was sorry that he had upset me and wants to stay in the marriage but doesn't want to do what I need to heal myself.

Should I be doing something different? Does anyone have any words that I should pass on to him? I need help once again.

Is anyone out there? Another discussion last night and with the same result. I told him I was hurting and his only response was "all right". After doing nothing for a short while waiting on something else to happen, I told him how hurtful that was. We launched into a lengthy discussion where he became angry and blamed me for all the same things again plus a couple more.

Please help!! I don't know where to go from here. I hurt so much and I don't know what to do with my pain. To talk to him brings more pain as well as holding it in. Please help.