You've been advised by everyone here to end contact with him because of his physical and emotional abuse.

Yet you continue to interact with him time after time, and allow him to blame you and make you feel guilty for the problems HE has caused in your marriage.

Why won't you stop this?

H called my attorney. Went to his office and signed the settlement. When I sign it's over. It gets filed in court and 30 days later we're divorced.

Lexxxy,
You asked why I continue to interact w/him? I don't know. I think it's habit more than anything. I'm having a hard time separating myself from him. I believe that six months down the road I will be happy that it's over. It's just getting to that point that hurts.

I know deep down that this is never going to work. I believe that we were doomed from the beginning and I've wasted 10 years of my life on something that was destined to fail. I tried for a long time to hold it together, get past the first A and just hold on.

I finally found myself doing everything and being the one who was constantly giving in and getting stepped over and pushed past in his effort to have what he wanted and do what he wanted.

Now, I am still having a hard time. I know that he is going to go to someone else. I think he has continued to be w/others. He told me today before he signed that he was going to sign and then the ball would be in my court. I could sign or come up w/a way to work through our problems.

Later, I had to take some things by the house. I went in and to the bathroom. He came where I was and started kissing me and asked if he could kiss other body parts. When I said "no", he got mad and said I had gotten what I wanted (him signing) and that it's over.

I'm his third wife. He said that w/his first and second wives he called them the day before he signed to ask one final time if that's what they wanted. They both said yes. He then said that days later they both called begging him to come back but he didn't b/c he told them that after he signed it was over.

So, here I sit knowing in my gut that this is the right step to take but, knowing in my heart how much it is going to hurt.

He called me late last night; phone on vibrate and didn't hear it. Called him back this morning.

He is asking me to go today and sign the papers. Nothing left to salvage. He can't live like this; no SF. He has done all he can do to let me know that he wants the M to work. He can't do any more than he's already done.

I am really scared at this point. I know it probably sounds crazy to so many of you. But, I am. Fear of the unknown........

Is D truly the right thing to do? Just get it over?

You need confirmation so I will give it.

Get it done. Get it over with. Seal the deal. It hurts now. You're wading through a sea of hurt and pain. On yonder shore are golden sands and the promise land. No one here doubts your immense sense of pain, loss, and unfathomable fear. This is the right move for your life. Your pain is real. Grieve now. Cry now. Get it out.

Know this, once it's finished - you're a slave no longer. Day by day - this reality will become clearer. You will see it eventually. Always demand respect. Respect yourself. Respect your H by letting him go, by letting him grow up.

Grit your teeth, clench your fists, stamp your feet, and scream at the top of your lungs. Get it done and over with. Do it. You know you must.

L2S --
He is once again manipulating you. Making the decisions and actions toward divorce YOUR FAULT, instead of owning and fixing the problems HE DID to make you reach this point.

Grieve the end of this marriage. But give up the guilt and wringing your hands over whether or not this is the right thing to do. It is.

Lets break this down:
This is his THIRD marriage. Doesn't sound like he knows how to do this yet.
He is physically abusive and has sought no treatment for this problem.
He is emotionally abusive and has sought no treatment for this problem.
He has had 5 documented affairs. (don't you wonder about what was undiscovered?)
He has had (very) recent contact with at least two of his OW.

Grieve. But don't let your grief make you feel guilty. And don't let your grief feel sorry for him. He has done NONE of the work needed to be a good partner. He is so far from being ready to do that. You need to let him go -- so that maybe he will start working on himself. Its not your job, never was, to make him a decent person.

He is asking me to go today and sign the papers. Nothing left to salvage. He can't live like this; no SF. He has done all he can do to let me know that he wants the M to work. He can't do any more than he's already done. .

Power and Control.

These are the two words that describe his actions.

He wants the power to tell you whether or not you can go to church. Where I was raised this would be desribed as Satan manifesting himself in this man. No person on this earth is entitled to that power....do NOT give him that power.

Control...if he can control where you go, who you see, he can have total control of you and the situation. If you get any power at all, he loses control of you.

Physical violence against you again gives him power and control. The best thing that you could have done when he struck you, was to call the police right on the spot. If you have been separated for years why is there such a dynamic that would perpetuate an encounter that led to violence. Would you have called the police had a stranger slapped you? Yes. This man is a stranger, he has no relationship with you other than one of trying to control and overpower you.

Do not allow it to continue.

Stop enabling this type of abhorrent behavior.

He says jump and you jump...STOP. Make this your best years resolution. Take YOUR power back by getting on with your life and jettisoning this loser.

committed

Look at what you typed, and replace ONE word...


really it's:

life2short...

I personally believe you are hours away from needing a restraining order from this guy..

I think your man has serious mental health mental PROCESSING issues going on in his brain...

I think you should prepare yourself for...

break ins
things to get really ugly
more and more church confrontations..
endless text messages
calls in the middle of the night
and children being used...

I think you better batten down the hatches
have the numbers to safe homes
have friends hide important papers...
remove any weapons if applicable..
keep a tight paper trail
record phone calls
and always always alway ALWAYS keep your cell phone on your person...

and educate yourself on personal safety..

I don't mean to scare you...

but we are grown ups here...

ARK

and your man is very very unstable in his thinking process..

I'm agreeing with everyone here, L2S. It's time. Do it. Put your emotions aside, just long enough to sign those papers. THEN, take time to deal with your emotions.

You have all the confirmation you need from everyone here, and in your daily life.

But like Ark mentioned, please be safe and take precautions. Don't lose your sense of logic.

It's time, Honey.

You're in my thoughts. (((L2S)))

MIne too. Finish this L2S and God Bless you. You deserve better.

L2S,

You asked WHY you can't/won't finish this? I have been there, and I think I can answer you.

1. You pity him. You see him in his state of confusion, guilt, self-pity, and (possibly) suicidal rants, and you feel terrible for walking away and leaving him in this situation. You pity him, and you have a sense of guilt that anyone might have for leaving someone in need, and walking away on purpose when you think he needs you most. Don't feel that way - you need yourself most right now, because you need to protect yourself FROM him more than anything else right now. Yes, he is down, but do not be fooled - he will only be down long enough to pull you into his vortex, and once you are sucked in, you will be the one who is confused, sad, guilty, and the one to be pitied. Make no mistake, he does this for the power. There is no other reason for his VERY TEMPORARY show of "poor me". He exerts this for your sympathy, and it is working for its specific purpose - to get you to pity him, in order to control you.

2. You feel that no one else will want you. L2S, he has made this one of his very specific goals since he met you - that you are to believe that you are very lucky to have him, that no one else would want you, and that you should THANK THE LORD ABOVE he is even willing to have you as his wife. Because he has you convinced you are not much to have, doesn't he? He has stressed this to you in many ways since you met, either directly or indirectly - and he has done a terrific job of it, I might add.....because here you are, wondering if it is a good idea to leave him or not - after he has EMOTIONALLY, VERBALLY, AND PHYSICALLY ABUSED YOU. Think about that - he has convinced you that you are not worth much, hasn't he?

A good man convinces you that you are worth everything in the world, and NEVER abuses you in any way.

You're wondering if you should leave because he has you convinced you will be alone, and that no other man would want you. Yet....he is worried there is another man at church. Doesn't make sense, does it?

This is the fear he wants you to have - the fear that you are worthless, and that there is no future without him.

He is wrong. The only future there is - IS WITHOUT THE ABUSIVE MAN.

3. Because you are the person you are, a caring person, you fear that there is no one out there for HIM. Somewhere, there is. He will find someone. What you need to hope is that he can pull his own life together. He is a man, and he has managed to find three wives, right? He also managed to find someone on the side, so there is the possibility for him that he will find someone again.

I think you also worry that he has ruined his own reputation with his friends and family, and that staying with him might salvage it. Not so - whether you stay or go will do nothing for his reputation. Everyone knows he is abusive.................including you. Your choice to stay in the relationship does nothing to diminish or salvage his name. It does, however, make others question your judgment (and at some point, they will give up trying to help you if you refuse to take the good advice to save yourself).

Maybe you can pray that what happens for him is that he learns from all of this, learns not to abuse, learns not to cheat, and actually finds someone else once he figures out what he's doing and straightens out his own backyard.

4. You are very afraid of the unknown. I understand this one. I was more willing to stay in the abusive situation because I knew what to expect, than I was to let it go. It was almost easier, because that way I didn't have to work on myself. I didn't want to admit that I was in a very failed relationship, that it went horribly wrong, that I had contributed to the mess. But I did the work, and it was worth every inch of the mountain I climbed.

5. You fear that if you choose wrongly, it cannot be undone. I know this one, too. Do you believe that if you make the wrong choice, and leave him, that somewhere down the line you and he could never reconcile? You seem to say that you place much faith in what God wills for you. Then trust that if you leave, and God wills for you to be with him, God will make a path back. In my case, I left many times. The final time I left, I really left. After the night in jail, we actually reconciled - my X had really hurt me, too. I BEGGED him to forgive ME for having to beat ME...what was I thinking???? He had an affair, we reconciled. He beat me several times, countless times, we reconciled. I believe we would have done this over and over and over until I would have been hospitalized or worse. Consider my story. Go now, please - so far, he has slapped you. That is where my X started. It was the beginning of his "permission" to hit me.

6. Saving face. If you reconcile, you can save face. Nope, again. Your friends right now, in real life and here online, all understand that you love him. But at the same time, we understand and can see that this relationship is teetering on the brink of dangerous-to-the-point-of-violence. Saving face in this case would mean standing up for yourself, having the dignity, the strength, the courage, the grace, the bravery, and the acceptance of your own decision, to walk away from this marriage and this relationship, and to learn what you need to learn to begin a new life recovering from this abusive relationship. That, L2S, would "save face". It may very well save much more than that.



You have to work on yourself now, L2S. You have to face it. You have been in an abusive relationship, and you have to figure out WHY you let it go on. You have to look to the future, and know that love does not include being controlled, or being hit, or being intimidated. You have to know that love isn't painful, or fearful. You go to church, open the Bible to the passage about what LOVE IS - it tells you about love. Patient, kind.....and nowhere in there does it say that love is about hitting, or controlling, or stalking.

L2S,
Go sign those papers. Stand up for yourself today, and then do it again tomorrow. Then again on Saturday. Sunday. Monday......

Because life really is too short, and you really do deserve much better than what you have had.

Schoolbus

Something I posted 3 years ago, but felt that you need it NOW.

There was a man who had given much thought to what he wanted from life. He had experienced many moods and trials. He had experimented with different ways of living, and he had had his share of both success and failure. At last, he began to see clearly where he wanted to go.

Diligently he searched the right opportunity. Sometimes he came close, only to be pushed away. Often he applied all his strength and imagination, only to find the path hopelessly blocked. And then at last it came. But the opportunity would not wait. It would be made available only for a short time. If it were seen that he was not committed, the opportunity would not come again.

Eager to arrive, he started on his journey. With each step, he wanted to move faster; with each thought about his goal, his heart beat quicker; with each vision of what lay ahead, he found renewed vigor. Strength that had left him since his early youth returned and desires, all kinds of desires, reawakened from their long-dormant positions.

Hurrying along, he came upon a bridge that crossed through the middle of a town. It has been built high above a river in order to protect it from the floods of spring.

He started across. then he noticed someone coming from the opposite direction. As they moved closer, it seemed as though the other were coming to greet him. He could see clearly, however, that he did not know this other, who was dressed similarly, except for something tied around his waist.

When they were within hailing distance, he could see that what the other had about his waist was a rope. It was wrapped around him many times and probably, if extended, would reach a length of 30 feet.

The other began to uncurl the rope, and, just as they were coming close, the stranger said, "Pardon me, would you be so kind as to hold the end a moment?"

Surprised by this politely phrased but curious request, he agreed without a thought, reached out, and took it.

"Thank you," said the other, who then added, "Two hands now, and remember, hold tight." Whereupon, the other jumped off the bridge.

Quickly, the free-falling body hurtled the distance of the rope's length, and from the bridge, the man abruptly felt the pull. Instinctively, he held tight and was almost dragged over the side. He managed to brace himself against the edge, however, and after having caught his breath, looked down at the other dangling, close to oblivion.

"What are you trying to do?" he yelled.

"Just hold tight," said the other.

"This is ridiculous," the man thought and began trying to haul the other in. He could not get the leverage, however. It was as though the weight of the other person and the length of the rope had been carefully calculated in advance so that together they created a counterweight just beyond his strength to bring the other back to safety.

"Why did you do this?" the man called out.

"Remember," said the other, "if you let go, I am lost," repeated the other.

He began to look around for help. But there was no one. How long would he have to wait? Why did this happen to befall him now, just as he was on the verge of true success? He examined the side, searching for a place to tie the rope. Some protrusion, perhaps, or maybe a hole in the boards. But the railing was unusually uniform in shape; there was no spaces between the boards. There was no way to get rid of this newfound burden, even temporarily.

"What do you want?" he asked the other hanging below.

"Just your help," the other answered.

"How can I help? I cannot pull you in, and there is no place to tie the rope so that I can go and find someone to help me help you."

"I know that. Just hang on; that will be enough. Tie the rope around your waist; it will just be easier."

Fearing that his arms could not hold out much longer, he tied the rope around his waist.

"Why did you do this?" he asked again. "Don't you see what you have done? What possible purpose could you have had in mind?"

"Just remember," said the other, "my life is in your hands."

What should he do? "If I let go, all my life I will know that I let this other die. If I stay, I risk losing my momentum toward my own long-sought-after salvation. Either way this will haunt me forever." With ironic humor he thought to die himself, instantly, to jump off the bridge while still holding on. "That would teach this fool." But he wanted to live and to live life fully. "What a choice I have to make; how shall I ever decide?"

As time went by, still no one came. The critical moment of decision was drawing near. To show his commitment to his own goals, he would have to continue on his journey now. It was already almost too late to arrive in time. But what a terrible choice to have to make.

A new thought occurred to him. While he could not pull this other up solely by his own efforts, if the other would shorten the rope from his end by curling it around his waist again and again, together they could do it. Actually, the other could do it by himself, so long as he, standing on the bridge, kept it still and steady.

"Now listen," he shouted down, "I think I know how to save you." And he explained his plan.

But the other wasn't interested.

"You means you won't help? But I told you cannot pull you up myself, and I don't think I can hang on much longer either."

"You must try," the other shouted back in tears. "If you fail, I die."

The point of decision arrived. What should he do? "My life or this other's?" And then a new idea. A revelation. So new, in fact, it seemed heretical, so alien was it to his traditional way of thinking.

"I want you to listen carefully," he said, "because I mean what I am about to say. I will not accept the position of choice for your life, only for my own; the position of choice for your own life I hereby give back to you."

"What do you mean?" the other asked, afraid.

"I mean, simply, it is up to you. You decide which way this ends. I will become the counterweight. You do the pulling and bring yourself up. I will even tug a little from here." He began unwinding the rope from around his waist and braced himself anew against the side.

"You cannot mean what you say," the other shrieked. "You would not be so selfish. I am your responsibility. What could be so important that you would let someone die? Do not do this to me."

He waited a moment. There was no change in the tension on the rope.

"I accept your choice," he said, at last, and freed his hands.

**********L2S - you have accepted HIS choice. Be at peace.

Thanks to all of you for the continued wonderful support.

You all have hung in there with me. You've given me advice and guidance, prayers and assurance when I needed them most.

My plan was to get the courage (I am scared of the consequences) to sign this week; he did sign on Tuesday. Work was crazy on Wed and on Wed night my mom was admitted to the hospital w/a hemmorhagic stroke. She was released late yesterday. Today, I called the attorney's office and asked what time they would close today; 4pm. At 2pm, I left to go sign.

Called them to let them know I was on the way...... my attorney and his secretary are out today!!! So, I now have to carry this over to the new year.

I am not necessarily afraid that he is going to physically hurt me but, I am afraid that he is going to trash my stuff, not let me have it, and make my life a bigger living h*ll than it has been for the last few years. I think he will threaten suicide and all sorts of other stuff.

I wish he would go out of town and I could go over and get all my things while he's away. It won't be that easy though.

H called this morning and started rehashing ancient history. Talked about how after I moved out b/c he moved his son in I talked to OM at church. Talked about how he would sit at home and beg me not to talk to him and not to go to church but I went anyway.

Talked about how he would transfer the house phone to his cell and park in the church parking lot and watch me talk to OM. About how I would call the house and tell him I just left church but didn't talk to OM but he was there watching me.

Talked about how me promised me after the first A that he would never cheat again but, after begging me to come home and watching me talk to OM he thought there was no hope so he cheated.

That's all fine but, he forgot to mention the threats of exposure, the threats of abuse, the physical abuse, the emotional abuse. Forgot about what was going on in our home that made me leave in the first place and the things he set up there after I left; let SD's b/f move in, etc.

I never did anything w/OM but talk at church. I realize that wasn't the smartest thing to do but, all I ever did was talk. We were friends. There was no discussion of R between us.

But, shortly after I moved out he resumed R w/2nd XW. I saw the letters from her to him; have copies. He would use her as leverage to get me to do what he wanted, i.e. "if you don't want to XXX will be happy to help me......".

Then, he started the suicide threats. But earlier in '95, he started talking to the OW that he essentially had phone sex with. I also have no doubt, based on a conversation I overheard, that he slept w/her as well. No one else listening to it could probably interpret it any other way either.

So, he talks about all the times he begged me to come home and stop talking to OM. He forgets the times I begged him to go to counseling b/c I could see that we were in trouble. He ignores the dozens of books I bought or the times I begged him to go away to a Christian marriage seminar but he couldn't b/c his kids might need him; basically he didn't want to go and used as an excuse.

We are where we are b/c of actions on both our parts. But, for me the biggest problem is the As. The cavalier way he was talking to women and the As he had w/them. Everyone knew that was around him. He was like a little rooster strutting his stuff in the chicken house!!! And, he used the fact that I was talking to a guy at church as an excuse to do what he did.

Now, he says I ignore all that I've done and concentrate on his faults and shortcomings and mistakes. Apparently, he has no idea how much his various forms of abuse, from physical to threats of suicide, helped to destroy our M.

Oh well, just venting. Our previous pastor will be in town this weekend. Drop-in dinner for him/family at church tonight and he is preaching the morning service tomorrow. So, there'll be h*ll to pay for me going I'm sure.

life2

QUIT using the OM man moniker when talking about some man at church...

QUIT engaging in phone conversations with your SOONTOBEX that involve any of his past rewriting rehashing of crap ...

you are so emmeshed in this..
you are co-depending on the phone calls....

you know why I say this...

cause you can list three or four things hubby talked about in the past that YOU did...in a phone call today...
TODAY

your posts should read like this..

husband called this am..
he started to talk about ONE thing in the past..

I said..

dear I gotta go I am busy...

ba-BYE

period
the end..

not he said
then he said
then he said
he also said...

I honestly honestly honestly think you should go to a womens shelter and get information tips and advice on the potential escalating acting out that MAY come...

I'm not talking violence though I won't rule that one out completely..

what;'s the plan if when he shows up threatening to kill himself infront of you and the CHILDREN

what's the plan when he storms church service..

what's the money plan when he wrecks his truck/car...

what's the PLAN...

cell phone on you at all times..

safe place to go where he can not will not find you..

alert family where you will be...

lifes2...
this man if very very unstable...

please prove me wrong.
prove me to be a over crazy rabid dog about this...

But I think you need four or five solid plans in your pocket at all times....

you need support and information on what to do..
go get it today..
then relax at the church dinner and enjoy yourself..


Godspeed life2
you are in my prayers..

ARK

Let go of the rope. Change your phone number. Grieve your loss but stop letting him wound you more.

agreed.

there is no place in your life for these phone calls -- why do you let them continue?

He asked me to meet him to decide our next step. I met him at a store close to my house. I told him that it is over, that we need to move on. He was telling me that he won't live w/o SF and that he will have someone in his life. He doesn't want to be alone and doesn't intend to.

He wins a cruise every year w/our business. He said he would invite someone else on the cruise. He said he would be spending New Year's Eve w/someone else. Said he would probably start putting that in place tonight.

I asked him to please not tell me the details of what he intends to do. He got angry w/me, slammed the car door and called me a b*tch. Then he asked me to stop and walked over to the car. Got mad when I wouldn't roll the window all the way down. Told him I didn't trust him not to slap me again.

Then, he drove in the same direction as my house. Pulled over again. I didn't know if he would go to my house (live w/family member) so I stopped. Again, asking me to lets make it work. I left and went home. He drove off. Started calling. Same stuff. He's got ideas for how it can work. I just told him that it won't work. It hasn't worked in the 10 years we've been married. We could never talk about anything. Everything was a fight, a confrontation. I told him I didn't want to live the rest of my life wondering when/if he would have another A.

I just hung up and won't answer phone again. He told me to get my things out of the house and not come by there b/c someone else would be there. How nasty!!! But, I shouldn't expect any less.

God willing, I will go Tuesday and sign papers. Please pray for God's peace, wisdom, guidance for me. I should have done this nine years ago. What could my life have been like if I had?

Well, he starts calling the house instead of my cell so I answered to keep my family from having to answer. He just told me that I could have the OM and then threw in a slam about my past just for good measure. So, it has to be nasty. Can't just let go and move on. Must be nasty.

hello l2s,


you said you wanted "peace" in your life, i think.
you are currently in a very non-peaceful state.

a reminder that there are roughly only two paths, that can lead to a peaceful state. (unless you decide to quietly move to another country!)

Neither one will bring peace immediately.

path 1: sign the divorce papers, change all phone numbers, locks, etc. and be ready to have a restraining order against your husband if needed.
I dont think this will bring you peace "immediately", although some time in the future, it may.

path 2: give your husband a list of what would be required from him, to have a good marriage between you again. Then hunker down in your bunker, and see if he changes, to a point where you are willing to be back together with you. But you need to be explicit that this would be the reward, IF he does what you ask of him. not "maybe".
important note: If you do this.. YOU may need to change too.

I think he's "nuts", but he's also sincere, insofar as wanting to be reconciled with you. or at least he was. Ironically, you may have drained his love bank for you. Yet he still keeps trying to talk to you. Becuase you havent signed, I guess.

What he told you about his past two divorces, and it "being over once they signed", I think is rather important.
If you have some way of verifying it, and found it to be false, then it's all just manipulation. It sounds kinda self-delusional that both of his ex-wives 'begged him to come back days later'. But if you happen to know that it is true...All you have to do is sign, to end it, if that's what you choose. Yet if it were true, it may be a reason to reconsider.



pick one path, and then fully follow it. If you're going to let the "give him a chance" part of you any attention... then give it fully, and give him the list.
A list probably wouldnt work for a woman. But men are very task-oriented, and tend to like specific goals. If you ever want him to recover, I believe it is what he wouuld need, to be able to find the way to recovery.

I think that something in you wants to give him a chance, because while you notice the things he hasnt done... you also notice the things he HAS done, which are positive.


I'm sure I'll get 'h***' from others for this, but I will say it anyway, because no-one else here will, and I think it's important:
I think your friday mis-scheduling was the sign you've been asking for. I think God gave you this long weekend as one last chance to reconsider what you are doing. He wont STOP your choices... but he will sometimes try to get you to reconsider.

another reminder, this time mostly to others: I DONT think she should just say "all is forgiven, lets be back together". I think there is unbelievable pain, and difficulty, to overcome, (on both sides), before life2short and her husband could come close to being healthy enough to live together again. Her husband is sick; he needs to get healthy first. There is no guarantee that he will.
It's up to l2s to decide if she's willing to give him a chance to heal, and then wait for him to go through the healing process.
Maybe a legal separation would give her the protection she feels she needs, while still leaving the door somewhat open for that. Dunno if it would, and dunno if her husband would view that the same way that he views a divorce == "its over, time to give up."

Techie - what part of "You can't reason with a derranged mind" don't you understand. What you are recommending L2S in your 2nd choice is to give him more time to kill her slowly.

L2S - cut the rope and walk away - more more subjecting yourself to this abuse! Next time he follows you, drive to a police station and get a restraining order, PRONTO!