You dont have to be wrapped up in it, l2s.
This can be "fire and forget", to use a missile term.

Write the list. Give it to him. Tell him to contact [some other person] in 6 months or something, to show concrete signs that he has changed by then.
Make sure that person understands that you are not interested in updates about him, no matter how much he bugs them.

Tell him if he tries to contact you directly before then, that you will sign and file the papers. No second chances.

Then change your phone number, and either forget about him for 6 months, or file when he breaks contact.

Better yet, go Tuesday and sign the papers. You can't reason with the unreasonable.

ditto this

btw: if you're putting store in this being "God's latest message to you"... this sounds like a pretty generic year-end sermon.

It could just as easily mean, "leave past hurts in the past, and look to a cleaner future with others"

sorry to muddy your waters again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

techie...

I do not see your examples as the same...

I don't think alcoholics quit drinking till they hit dirt bottom..period...
whatever that is for them..

and while people may quit smoking for the health of others

none of that is the same as a brain chemically misfiring
again
INCAPABLE of processing information normally at this time..

people that have true mental health issues...

can not see to change for others
can not process input normally..

there is NOTHING normal about his phone calls over and over...

nothing normal from his behavior from a grown man..

he has been behaving this way for so long it has become him and his brain only knows how to process things incorrectly..

he has no insight nor is his brain capable of insight..
he will dangle the right words of repair..

I will go no contact with OW...
and the SECOND he gets upset he will retaliate and threaten to go find a new OW>..

cause that is all he knows....

he has enough information in front of his that screams he is not healthy...

he doesn't need life2 to point them out...he needs to figure out on his own that what he has been doing isn't even close to working..

and she needs to go dark..
not even plan B..
but dark..

with a 100 little protection plans of what if in her back pocket....

you example of hallucinations you don't powerstruggle hallucination..
you medicate them....

any healthy true schizophrenic KNOWS the value of their meds.....
(not saying he's schizo)

my opinion is he more borderline personality....if you want my immature diagnosis


here it is...borderline personality disorder..

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. [Not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5]

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, promiscuous sex, eating disorders, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). [Again, not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5]

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.


Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

Chronic feelings of emptiness.

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

you can't even reason with someone like till they get some medication on board to stop the chemical imbalance...

Techie I adore your hope in this...
On this one though I can't agree...

ARK

I have today the gain the courage to sign tomorrow. He called several times yesterday. I did call him around 8pm when I left the nursing home.

He said he was going to his first cousin's house (female). She asked what he was doing and he said nothing so she invited him over. Told me that she is going on cruise w/him. Said he mentioned the cruise the other day and that I wasn't going so she said she would.

He sent VMS and TMs yesterday that he would do anything, that life wasn't worth living w/o me. Said he would leave here if he couldn't have me.

I can't do it. God help me, a part of me wants to. But, I can't imagine packing up and moving back home w/him. My family would disown me. I would be making my D miserable and she would ask to stay w/family we're w/now.

We've just created a mess that can't be fixed. He asked me if I wore my rings to church and I said no. He went ballistic. I asked him what's the point. He hasn't worn his in years; that's one of the reasons why OW (pleural) hit on him - they thought he was available. Of course the last one didn't mind when she found out he wasn't.

Anyway, he got angry. I told him that's why I found it easier to lie to him b/c I didn't have to put up with his angry outbursts like I do when I'm honest. I know that's not right but, like I told him, he has never made me feel safe enough to be honest. He begged for honesty but w/it came consequences.

So, all please pray for peace and courage for me for tomorrow. I know what I need to do but, that step is going to take a lot out of me.

Happy New Year to all.

you shouldnt be imagining moving back home with him as he is now. that would be a very bad thing to do.

THe idea would be to imagine what he might be like, After he got treatment for his emotional and mental problems,and if the treatment worked.
Imagine what it would be like to live with him, without those major "sicknesses" of his. Could you be happy that way?

Maybe you could talk to a professional counsellor, describe his behaviours, and get their professional opinion/experience on whether he can be "rehabilitated", so to speak.
(with the context of, "if he chose to be treated", of course)

I think that would give you the most realistic view of the possibilities that you are walking away from.


PS: I'm very sorry about your mother's condition.

I would think that for some of them,
"hitting bottom", would be described as, "when they lose their family". And for some of them, the point of "loss" would be different. Just like for some WS's the point of turnaround is different.

For some, it is when the spouse says "I want a divorce".
For some, it is when the spouse moves out.
For some, it is when the spouse actually does the divorce filing, or is about to.

We've probably all read stories right here, about people who's WS's have turned around, on the very day they went into court to finalize the divorce.

Techie -- please be careful in encouraging her hopes for a future with this man.
He beats her and slaps her.

She does NOT need to delay the divorce or put things on hold in case he changes. This has been the pattern for 10 YEARS.

L2S,
I have to agree with all here about how unstable your husband seems. Please be safe when you sign the papers today. I will pray for you.

Also, as one other user mentioned, please change the locks, phone #'s, etc. End all contact with him and arrange an intermediary for any NECESSARY contact (XH parents?)

Do not CALL him any more and allow yourself to go throught this ABUSE. Please, this can't be good for you or DD. Break yourself from this pattern as you can not save/change him and you DESERVE more.

God Bless.

This is not a step, it's a leap. It's a leap of faith. Have faith in the advice that you've received here. Have faith in yourself. Don't leap timidly with remorse and regret, but enthusiastically with the knowledge that your future will be brighter, clearer, happier, and full of freedom. You will experience loss in this. You’re losing an emotional vampire that has been sucking the life out of you. Once that is fully realized, the shimmer will return to the eyes of your soul and spirit.

Faith. Let go. Leap. Live. Shimmer.

We pray for you.

leap of faith...

leap of protection


cell phone charged and with you at all times'
inform people where you are going when going out
when you should be home

seriously consider visiting a shelter they have a WEALTH of experience and information to deal with the what if's and what about when he does this...

I am serious about this..

review those plans..

never be in a room without an exit
never be between him and the exit..
have a plan to call the police when he threatens to hurt himself
or HIS family IE brother.etc etc etc...

be prepared for everything and anything....

and hopefully I will just be seen as over-reactive and drama seeking....
lets hope...

ARK

I agree with you Ark.

L2S -- please consider visiting a shelter to get an idea of the resources available to you.

consider asking your attorney about restraining orders.

please call the authorities if he threatens to harm himself.

please arrange for the authorities to escort you to pick up your belongings. or at the very least a male family member.

please include your daughter in your safety plan.

please sign those papers today.

Not much to add to all that has been said, other than we are all right behind you, and wishing you all the strength and courage there is to offer. Hope all is well today. Please let us know how you are when you get the chance. And like mentioned before, be safe! Print this thread out, so you'll have your list from Ark to put in your back pocket.

((((L2S))))

Jen

bump

worried, anyone else?

Another bump for L2S. Yes, Lexxxy, I'm concerned.

Unfortunately I don't think anyone has contact (off-board) with L2S.....do they?

I'm worried.

All.

Thank you so much for all your concern.

Haven't signed yet. My mom was admitted to hospital on Monday with pneumonia. She's doing better but I'm going from work to hospital to home to sleep and back again.

Will update more soon.

I'm sorry to hear of your mother's health problems again. I pray for comfort and strength for you through this additional burden on you.

It has to be said, of course, that it is rather remarkable that one of the few things that could happen to delay you from signing and dropping the axe.... did.

again.

That's 3 times, by my count, that "something has happened" to get in your way of proceeding with this. (one being the lawyer scheduling)

You wrote way back on the 21st,


How many times are you planning to test Him on this, to see if it is 'really' from Him?
It took Gideon only two times.

should she take the slaps, shoves, and punches as hints from God too?