Pep and mkeverydaycnt,

I agree with both of you. It's all words and no action behind them. I don't intend to stop the D. There's no reason.

And............

he is STILL saying that he is going to end it all. Not in so many words but....... little phrases here and there that others might not pick up on but I know what he's talking about.

But.........God has a plan that is so awesome for me and DD. And, He's got a plan for my H too. My life will be good. God has been so wonderful to me and mine. He won't let us down now.

100% correct Pep.

He SAYS everything....DOES nothing....but expects ACTION from you.

Like we told you before, the actual divorce means nothing in terms of whether or not he works on his issues.

He says divorce is "it" makes it "final". Well, look at his actions. His X-wife is one of his OW. Guess that divorce didn't end their relationship, did it? Why would yours be any different?

The divorce just gives you a layer of protection from his bullchit.

He just doesn't "get it" yet. He's still lying, still doing nothing.

Great, not falling for his crap L2S. Like someone said the D is just a piece of paper and if he wants to work on your R afterwards and when he has nothing to gain then he can.

Hey all.

I really need some words of encouragement from my MB friends.

I still think I'm doing the right thing. I haven't stopped the D. It was signed two weeks and three days ago. Should have been filed in court about two weeks ago.

He still maintains that he would be willing to do anything to make the M work. I am now beginning to think that I don't want it to work. I'm really beginning to think that I haven't for a long time but, I am so afraid of his actions and reactions that I have allowed myself to stay in limbo land.

I miss the man I know he has the potential to be. I don't miss who he has become. And, I dislike the woman I have become.

A good friend from many years ago will be about 8 hours away; she lives across the country from me but is visiting a childhood friend about 8 hours from me. She has asked that I come to where she is and visit; some girl time. My dilemma is that it is next week. Valentine's Day on the 14th and our 10th anniversary on the 16th. Of course, I feel that going out of town during that time is a slap in the face to him. STUPID, huh???

We can't make it work. It's not going to work. I can't get beyond the As and the abuse. I don't want to live like that and I don't want my D to either.

Please give me some pep talk. Should I book the flight and go?

Book the flight, L2S. Don't worry about this being a slap in his face. You've had your share of slaps in the face, both emotionally and physically.

You going on this trip can be one of the "firsts" in moving forward with your life. Try to consider it a milestone in crossing that bridge that you've been waiting for, for a very long time. Those dates can be given a new (and improved) meaning.;)

You're doing the right thing, and I commend you for this. Keep your head up, and keep moving forward. You're doing awesome! Spend some time with the girls, and celebrate your new life!

(((L2S)))

Jen. How are you? What is up in your life recently?

The trip is almost bittersweet. I haven't seen my friend in about 15 years!

Funny but, last year at this time my H had just come back from his trip and I had just found out about the OW. Didn't know she was an OW b/c he said she was just a friend. I remember doing everything I could to spend time w/him and he didn't want me there.

We argued over Valentine's day b/c he had plans w/her but said his D had asked him to spend the evening w/her and her b/f and that's why he didn't want to be w/me. Right!!!!

Funny how much difference a year can make.

I still get a little weepy when I think of what's to come. Packing up all my things. Going through and dividing up the stuff. So sad. But, sadder yet to think of living the way I did for the last 10 years.

Everything is fine for me. Just preparing for my youngest to graduate in May. My job and home life keep me pretty busy, but that's a good thing. Staying busy keeps me sane, so I don't dwell on things that "could have been". (Referring to X-Fiancee). I try more to focus on the good parts of "what wasn't", when I give myself time to think about it. Anyway, other than that, I'm doing well.

I know what you are going thru is so tough, but there will be a big payoff in the end. I think it's a great idea to get together with your friends, after 15 years??!! How exciting would that be!

Hang in there, Honey. I know this is a very emotional time, but I know you'll make it thru this. It just takes time. One day at a time, as you already know. And you've been moving forward, even with the struggles of emotions, you're still making accomplishments along the way.

No more second guessing yourself. You are doing the right thing, and the more time that passes, the more you'll realize this. It will get better!

Have a great evening, and please keep us posted!

Take care...

Jen

He is being so kind right now. Of course, he still says that once the D is over and he has everything lined up he plans to commit suicide.

He also says that once we're D'd there's no going back. So, if there's a chance for us to work on M it has to be now. He said he would not be willing to open himself up to the pain of possibly us trying but it not working after the D is final.

I booked the flight but still have reservations about going. My mom is back in the hospital again; 4th time since the end of December!! The real reason though is me not wanting to face him, tell him, have him say I've hurt him.

What a mess. I'm close but I feel no peace with the situation. I THINK I'm doing the right thing, the only option that has been left for me since he chose to do what he did w/the As and the abuse. And, I have seen nothing that would make me believe there's anything to go back to. There's been no change that would make me think things could be different.

On the other hand, he says the same about me. I've given him no reason to change. I still lie and he has caught me in lies. That is true. I don't want him to know that I put a contract on a house. I don't want him to know that I'm looking at houses. But, he backed me into a corner and I admitted that I had looked at a house. He said he overheard a realtor on their cellphone and pieced it together. We live in a town of about 200,000.

I imagine he was fishing. He is so incredibly good at making me think he knows stuff and he is an awesome liar. Some of the whoppers he made up while I was taping him and actually knew the truth would win a grammy, golden globe or whatever (golden fleece!).

Anyway, I can almost deal with the nasty better than the calm and contrite b/c I know it's just the calm before the storm.

Nothing has changed. We are about 2 weeks away from divorce.

He keeps asking me to postpone but neither of us have done things to make the other believe that reconciliation is possible.

For my part, I continue to lie to him. I didn't want him to know that I was looking at houses so when he asked I said no. I know, it's none of his business and I could have said that and left it at that. But, those aren't the type answers he will accept. I know, if I wasn't talking to him I wouldn't have to answer any questions but, I am.

Also, he will ask a question and then use it to cover a multitude of possible questions and then will say that I lied. Example: We have a timeshare. I'm doing an exchange for a week this summer for some family members.

He asked if I was planning a vacation this summer. My answer: no. Then, Fri I told him about possibly going out of town to see my friend next week. So, he thinks I lied. In my opinion we were talking about two totally separate things and, at the time he asked, I was seriously debating whether or not to go. But, in his mind .... and maybe others...... I lied.

This whole process is so draining. I don't know what to say anymore. I see no way out but out. Nothing has changed. He won't do anything unless the D is put on hold; is that his need to be in control?

What a screwed up life I have... my fault I know.

When it comes to my personal recovery, where do I start?

I need to get past my past AGAIN.

I need to learn how to effectively set boundaries.

I need to learn how to truly forgive my H and myself and move beyond the hurt of betrayal and abuse.

In short, I want to learn how to effectively become a more healthy person so that I can make better choices in the future.

If you believe counseling is the first step, what type of counselor should I look for? Specializing in a certain area?

Thanks for the feedback.

Update...........

Did buy the plane tickets. Did visit my friend; left on Valentine's day and returned today. Had a good time; talked to my H on Valentine's day and the 16th (our 10th anniversary).

He came to the airport to see me off. We mostly rehashed everything while waiting on my departure time. He finally left and I took off. It was just the usual rehashing of everything. What I've done wrong and still do wrong and won't fix. What he believes he is doing to improve the situation.

He doesn't get the damage that he has done w/the abuse nad the affairs. I don't know how to get past it all.

While on the trip we stayed with my friend's childhood friend who has many of the same issues I do. We talked about it all a good bit. She recommended some more books which I've got on order. She is of the opinion that the emotional abuse is to manipulate me, i.e. the suicide threats.

By the way, I called the Harley show and was told that there is an almost 100% chance that my H will cheat again (given the history especially the first affair in our first year of marriage). Also, that if I did think of reconciling that the counseling should come before I ever thought about moving back home. That's not anything I'm considering.

I am making calls tomorrow to find a counselor that I can start using to start working on my own issues. Any suggestions as to the type of counselor I should look for, i.e. specializing in........

Talked to the counselor we were seeing before I discovered the last A. He said that he doesn't believe in self help books b/c if books helped he would have opened a bookstore. I've read quite a few and ordered 3 more last night.

I need input on how to choose a counselor that would be able to help me through the issues I have, i.e. setting and keeping boundaries, childhood issues, I guess self esteem due to me allowing my H to verbally, physically, emotionally/psychologically abuse me.

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

L2S,

I suggest an Imago therapist. From what I've read here, Mimi, Mates4Life (10Swords) and others really benefited from it. I read the book, "Getting the love you want" by Harville Hendrix...and he developed this focus in counseling.

The book alone was stunning to me...really helpful.

I think it addresses all the issues you listed, IMO.

Hope that helps. Big kudos on looking for IC and your awareness of choosing someone who will really benefit your life.

LA

how are things going for you, l2s?

Techie,
Haven't been on MB for awhile. Just trying to survive one day at a time.

The D has been filed and it's been greater than 30 days. It's in the judge's hands but, he won't sign until we take a parenting class that our state requires when minor children are involved. If only my H hadn't adopted my D it would be over.

I have come to the conclusion that this needs to be over. I can't go back home. I can't pretend that what happened didn't happen and I can't pretend that I don't think it will happen again b/c I believe with all of my being that my H is a serial cheater and an emotional blackmailer and he will continue in that way for the rest of his life.

I want more from life than what I've had for the last ten years. I want my life back, whatever that ends up being. I believe I have reason for D. I believe that after I have been on my own for awhile I will be ready to pursue other relationships. I'm not interested in continuing a R w/my H. He is not marriage material. We aren't good for each other.

So, how have you been? Like I said above, I've stayed away for awhile and don't really know how anyone is doing.

I understand (in my head, at least) where you are coming from.

i hope you can get yourself together, for yourself. I dont like to use the phrase "find yourself".. we all know how that gets overused <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> but... erm... something like that...


As for me... well... looks like I'm going on a weekend trip with my wife and children to "the mountains' next weekend.
no "reconciliation" has been discussed.
but... she was the one that brought up the idea of a weekend trip this time.

i'm looking forward to it.